/  i 


MODERN  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 


STULTIFERA  NAVIS; 

Qua  omnium  mortalium  narratur  Stultitia, 


THE 


MODERN  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 


jERE  perennius. 


A  Whip  for  the  Horse,  a  Bridle  for  the  Ass,  and  a  Rod 
for  the  Fool's  Back.  Solomon. 


PHILADELPHIA: 

Printed  for  C.  and  A.  Conrad  and  Co.,  Philadelphia:  Conrad, 

Lucas  and  Co.,  Baltimore:   Somervell  and  Conrad, 

Petersburg:  and  Bonsai,  Conrad  and  Co.,  Norfolk. 

FRY    AND    KAMMERER,    PRINTERS. 

1807. 


DEDICATION.. 


To  that  individual,  if  such  a  one  exists,  who  resembles 
the  man  sought  after  by  the  philosopher  Diogenes  at  noon 
day,  with  a  lighted  candle  in  a  lanthorn.* 

Unknown, 

Wheresoe'er  thou  art,  I  humbly  greet  thee, 
heedless  of  thy  country,  religion,  language,  or  co- 
lour ;  well  convinced,  that  neither  climate,  creed, 
tongue  nor  complexion  can  prove  detrimental  to  the 
•  expansion  of  wisdom,  or  tend  to  warp  thee  from  the 
pursuit  of  everlasting  truth. 

To  thee,  O  Phoenix!  or  to  adopt  the  words  of  So- 
lomon, "  Beloved  of  my  soul,"  do  I  send  this  little 

*  It  is  obvious,  that  our  Poet  did  not  take  the  ho?iest  man 
of  the  Cynic,  in  a  literal  sense,  but  that  he  conceived  the 
philosopher  went  in  search  of  a  wise  and  good  man,  and 
not  merely  of  one  who  was  proof  against  the  temptation  of 
purloining  a  silver  spoon. 

Colui  e  huomo,  che  pud  regger  se  stesso. 

A  2 


vi  DEDICATION. 

book,  greeting,  under  the  assurance,  that  my  moral 
will  be  in  unison  with  thy  practice,  and  consonant 
with  thy  theory,  when  absolute  action  hath  not  led 
thee  to  display  thy  conduct  to  the  world  of  fools. 

To  intrude  upon  thee  fulsome  flattery  would  be 
fruitless,  thy  discriminating  sense  would  pierce  the 
flimsy  veil:  to  wish  thee  unfading  happiness  would 
be  nugatory,  since  wisdom  is  thy  pursuit,  and  joys 
imperishable  are  the  attendants  on  those  who  strug- 
gle in  order  to  its  attainment :  to  urge  thee  to  pro- 
ceed in  thy  career  with  steady  determination,  would 
merely  hold  me  up  to  ridicule  in  thine  eyes,  since 
he  who  hath  tasted  the  delicious  fruits  of  science, 
would  never  quit  the  Hesperian  produce  "  to  prey 
on  garbage."  Therefore  naught  have  I  further  to 
add,  but  take  my  leave,  under  the  firm  conviction, 
that 

Sapientia  prima  est,  stultitiacaruisse. 

THE  POET. 


ADVERTISEMENT 


TO  THE 


READER. 


IN  the  thirteenth  and  fourteenth  centuries,  se- 
veral works  written  in  Latin,  issued  from  foreign 
presses,  similar  in  title  and  composition  to  the  plan 
of  the  present  publication;  the  intention  of  which  is 
to  lash  the  reigning  vices  and  follies  of  mankind. 
These  productions  have,  for  the  most  part,  been  in- 
spected by  the  editor,  but  the  work  which  obviously 
appears  to  have  given  the  idea  for  the  several  sec- 
tions now  under  consideration,  is  the  Ship  of  Fools, 
translated  into  English  verse  by  one  Alexander  Bar- 
clay, priest,  and  printed  in  folio.  Of  this  work,  nu- 
merous editions  issued  from  the  press;  the  earliest 
of  which  was  printed  by  Pinson,  in  1509;  vid.  Her- 
bert's edition  of  Ames,  vol.  i.  p.  253,  from  which  it 


viii  ADVERTISEMENT. 

should  seem,  that  Alexander  Barclay  had  only  com- 
pleted his  translation  the  preceding  year,  as  in  a  sub- 
sequent folio  edition,  bearing  date  1570,  the  follow- 
ing lines  appear: 

"  Thus  endeth  the  Shift  of  Fools,  translated  out  of 
Latin,  French  and  Dutch,  into  Englishe,  by  Alex- 
ander Barclay,  priest,  at  that  time  chaplin  in  the  co- 
ledge  of  St.  Mary  Ottery,  in  the  countie  of  Devon. 
An.  Dom.  1508." 

In  the  commencement  of  that  volume,  the  reader 
is  informed,  that  Stultifera  Mivis  was  originally  the 
labour  of  one  Sebastian  Brant,  a  Dutchman,  and 
Doctor  of  both  Laws,  in  the  county  of  Almayne, 
who  composed  the  book  in  his  native  tongue,  en- 
deavouring as  much  as  possible  to  vie  with  the  an- 
cient Roman  satirists  ;  not  to  omit  the  effusions  of 
Dante  and  Francis  Petrarch,  the  heroic  poets  whom 
it  is  alleged,  he  also  took  for  his  models.  From  the 
original  Dutch,  the  Ship  of  Fools  was  then  translated 
into  Latin,  by  James  Locher,  a  disciple  of  Brant's,  and 
wras  afterwards  rendered  into  French  by  an  unknown 
hand;  thus  much  are  we  informed  from  the  prelimi- 
nary discourses  of  Locher  and  Barclay;  the  latter  of 


ADVERTISEMENT.  ix 

whom,  in  his  English  translation,  accounts  in  the 
following  words,  for  the  publication  of  his  book: 

"  Wherefore  willing  to  redresse  the  errours  and 
vices  of  this  our  realme  of  Englande^as  the  foresaide 
composer  and  translatours  have  done  in  their  coun- 
treys,  I  have  taken  upon  me,  howbeit  unworthily,  to 
drawe  into  our  Englishe  tongue,  the  saide  booke 
named  the  Ship  of  Fools,  so  nere  to  the  saide  three 
languages,  as  the  parcitie  of  my  witte  mil  suffer  me" 

With  respect  to  the  present  Ship  of  Fools,  th6 
editor  conceives  it  highly  necessary  to  acquaint  the 
public,  that  the  Poetaster  has,  in  no  one  instance, 
encroached  on  the  production  of  Alexander  Barclay, 
as  far  as  relates  to  the  body  of  his  work,  having 
merely  copied  a  part  of  his  title-page,  and  inserted 
the  running  heads  of  many  of  his  sections,*  the  poe» 
try,  Latin  and  Italian  quotations,  Sec.  being  entirely 
the  effusions  of  his  genius,  and  the  result  of  his  own 
researches.  The  editor  has  conceived  this  intima- 
tion the  more  essentially  requisite,  as  it  would  be 
infinitely  detrimental  to  the  poet,  was  he  branded 

*  Viz.  Of  foolish  unprofitable  books — Of  new  fashions, 
and  fools  that  wear  disguised  garments,  8cc.  &c. 


s  ADVERTISEMENT. 

with  the  stigma  of  plagiarism,  when  his  labours  are 
entirely  original,  and  obviously  committed  to  paper 
currente  calamo;  but,  as  the  writer  has  ventured  to 
correct  some  lines  in  the  progress  of  these  sections, 
he  hopes  that  the  poetical  part  of  the  volume  is  not 
wholly  ushered  into  the  world  without  Limae  labor 
ac  mora;  and  therefore  trusts,  that  any  trifling  inac- 
curacies which  may  have  escaped  him,  will  be  re- 
garded leniently  by  that  class  of  critics,  which  is, 
perhaps,  over  severe  in  its  judgment  on  the  literary 
productions  Qf  others. 

Under  the  firm  assurance  that  the  reader  will  con- 
sider this  work,  in  the  light  in  which  it  is  conceived 
the  author  originally  intended  that  it  should  be  ac- 
cepted, the  editor  takes  his  leave,  after  placing  him- 
self in  the  situation  of  the  versifier  of  this  volume, 
exclaiming  with  Ovid: 

Non  ego  mordaci  dlstrinxi  carmine  quenquami 
Nulla  venenato  est  litera  mieta  joco. 


PREFATORY  DISCOURSE 


OF 


THE  POET. 


IT  is  allowed,  that  the  mental,  equally  with  the 
corporeal  being,  stands  in  need  of  repose.  I  had  just 
achieved  the  last  section  of  this  my  Shift  of  Fools, 
when  I  was  assailed  by  one  of  those  soft  and  genial 
slumbers,  which  will  frequently  extend  its  influence 
to  renovate  the  animal  system,  and  give  new  vigour 
to  intellectuality: 

Opere  in  longo  fas  est  obrepere  somnum.         Horace. 

while  entranced  in  this  state  of  oblivion,  a  female 
form  suddenly  presented  itself  to  my  wandering  ima- 
gination, whose  broad,  fat,  unmeaning  countenance 
and  vacant  stare,  seemed  anxious  to  convey  an  ex- 


XU  PREFATORY    DISCOURSE. 

pression  of  displeasure  ;  but  so  aukwardly  was  the 
passion  depicted,  as  rather  to  excite  risibility,  than 
inspire  my  soul  with  a  sensation  of  awe. 

"  Dost  thou  not  know  me?"  demanded  the  fe- 
male, in  sullen  accents;  "  Yes,"  I  replied;  for  who 
can  fix  his  eyes  on  that  inexpressive  physiognomy, 
upon  that  cap,  adorned  with  lanky  ass's  ears,  upon 
that  tawdry  mantle,  together  with  those  jingling 
bells  and  empty  ladle,  without  proclaiming  thee 
aloud,  for  that  thou  truly  art,  Queen  of  Folly,  or  the 
Goddess  of  Fools?" 

"  Thou  judgest  right,"  replied  the  vision ;  "  and 
since  thou  knowest  me  for  an  immortal  being,  learn 
henceforth  to  respect  my  boundless  sway."  At  the 
conclusion  of  these  words,  Erasmus's  account  of  the 
parents  and  guardians  of  Folly,  suddenly  flushed 
upon  my  mind,  when  the  following  ejaculation 
escaped  my  lips: 

"  Yes,  I  know  thee  well:  at  thy  conception  Hy- 
men did  not  attend,  neither  wast  thou  born  upon  the 
floating  Delos,*  but  on  one  of  those  fortunate  islands, 

*  It  was  on  this  island,  which  is  said  to  have  suddenly 


PREFATORY   DISCOURSE.  Xlll 

whose  luxurious  and  spontaneous  soil  affords  every 
thing  without  the  aid  of  culture ;  and  from  whence 
is  consequently  banished  labour,  together  with  pen- 
ury, sickness,  and  old  age:  thy  nurses  were  the 
daughter  of  Bacchus  and  the  progeny  of  Pan,  whose 
attendants  were  Scorn,  Self-love,  and  Adulation 
(sleepy-eyed),  Lethe,  or  Oblivion ;  Idleness  with 
listless  air,  and  perfumed  Voluptuousness, 'crowned 
with  odoriferous  flowers.  Amidst  this  train  of  nymphs 
two  gods  appeared ;  the  one  was  patron  of  gluttony, 
the  other  of  profoundest  sleep.  Such  even  now  con- 
stitute thy  suite  ;  and,  aided  by  their  baleful  fascina- 
tions, dost  thou  hold,  under  thy  dominion,  this  world 
immense  of  countless  fools.5' 

"  True  ;"  answered  the  vision,  V  and  since  thou 
knowest  so  well  my  sovereignty  and  power,  how 

made  its  appearance  on  the  surface  of  the  ocean,  by  the 
power  of  Neptune,  that  the  persecuted  Latojia-  was  per- 
mitted to  bring  forth  her  offspring  Apollo.  Delos  was  also 
the  birth  place  of  Diana.  It  is  almost  needless  to  add, 
that  Science  and  Chastity  are  total  strangers  to  the  Goddess 
of  Fools. 

B 


XIV  PREFATORY    DISCOURSE. 

darest  thou  act  in  opposition  to  my  lenient  decrees, 
and  rear  thy  puny  wit  against  an  immortal,  whose 
shrine  receives  the  tributary  homage  of  all  the  sons 
and  daughters  of  mortality.  Consign  to  the  flames, 
rash  and  imprudent  bard,  these  labours  of  thy  daring 
fancy,  my  votaries  will  not  heed  them,  but  laugh  to 
scorn  such  frigid  precepts.  Come  to  my  rosy  bowers, 
and  I  will  feast  thee  with  excess  of  love,  with  brim- 
ful goblets  of  exhilarating  wines,  with  banquettings, 
music,  dancing,  and  every  species  of  revelry  ;  from 
thy  mind  discard  these  baleful  principles,  by  thee 
denominated  the  beacons  of  wisdom ;  from  thy  brow 
dispel  that  look  of  austerity,  and  let  the  dimpled  smile 
of  mirth  assume  its  playful  emporium.  Yes :  yield 
thyself  to  me ;  and  henceforth  learn  to  taste  un- 
fading pleasures." 

Thus  having  spoke,  Folly  approached  me  with 
complacency.  I  was  not,  however,  to  be  won  by  her 
alluring  smiles ;  and,  with  an  outstretched  hand, 
indignantly  repulsed  her  fascinating,  but  deceitful 
blandishments.  Being  thus  contemned,  her  fury 
knew  no  bounds ;  and  to  her  aid  she  summoned, 
incontinent,  her  votaries,  from  every  region  of  the 


PREFATORY    DISCOURSE.  W 

earth;  who,  with  gesticulations,  indicating  hate, 
would  fain  have  approached  me ;  but  fruitless  proved 
the  attempt.  Minerva  appeared,  arrayed  in  the  garb  of 
Mentor,  and,  rearing  high  her  orbed  and  resplendent 
shield,  with  shrieks  and  yells  the  multifarious  band 
shrunk  back,  dismayed  at  the  dazzling  sight;  and  I 
again  awoke,  to  laud  still  more  the  wise  design 
which  had  inspired  my  muse. 

Quidquid  agunt  homines  nostri  farrago  libelli. 

Having  thus  committed  to  paper  the  offspring  of 
my  visionary  fancy,  which  related  throughout  to  the 
Goddess  of  Fools;  it  may  not  be  injudicious,  in  the 
next  place,  to  say  something  respecting  her  king- 
dom, the  situation  of  which  is  so  characteristically 
depicted  by  Voltaire,  that  I  cannot  do  better  than 
quote  his  lines,  for  the  reader's  information, 

Devers  la  lune,  ou  Ton  tient  que  jadis, 
Etait  place  des  fous  le  paradis,* 


It  was  formerly   supposed,  that  the  Fool's  Paradise 


XVI  PREFATORY  DI&COURSjL 

Sur  les  confins  de  cet  abime  immense, 

Ou  le  Cahos,  et  l'Erebe,  et  la  nuit, 

Avant  le  temps  de  Tunivers  produit, 

Ont  exerce  leur  aveugle  puissance; 

II  est  un  vaste  et  caverneux  sejour; 

Peu  carresse  des  doux  rayons  du  jour, 

Et  qui  n'a  rien  qu'une  lumiere  affreuse, 

Froide,  tremblante,  incertaine,  et  trompeuse.; 

Pour  tout  etoile,  on  a  des  feux  folets; 

L'air  est  peuple  de  petits  fafardets, 

De  ce  pays  la  reine  est  la  sottise,  &c. 

Such  being  the  region  inhabited  by  the  Goddess 
of  Fools,  I  shall  now  proceed  in  my  Preface,  by 
giving  a  quotation  from  the  prologue  of  James  Lo- 
cker, which  is,  in  every  respect  consonant  with  the 
causes  which  induced  me  to  compose  the  ensuing 
sections: 


was  situated  near  the  border  of  the  moon;  and  that  the  re- 
gion was  inhabited  by  the  spirits  of  idiots,  silly  persons, 
and  infants  who  died  without  receiving  the  baptismal  rites- 
Milton  also  speaks  of  the  Paradise  of  Fools,  through  which 
he  makes  Satan  pass,  in  the  progress  of  his  aerial  journey. 


PREFATORY  DISCOURSE.  XV11 

«  To  dense  the  vanitie  and  madnes  of  foolishe  peo- 
ple, of  whom  over  great  number  is  in  the  realme  of 
Englande;  therefore  let  every  man  beholde  and  over- 
rede  this  booke,  and  then,  I  doubt  not  but  he  shall  see 
the  errours  of  his  life,  of  what  condition  soever  he 
be;  in  likewise  as  he  shall  see  in  a  mirrour  thefourmz 
of  his  countenaunce  and  visage.  And  if  he  amende 
suche  faultes  as  he  redeth  here,  wherein  he  knoweth 
him  selfe  giltie,  and  passe  foorth  the  residue  of  his  life 
in  order  of  good  maners;  then  sIM  he  have  thefruite 
and  advantage,  whereto  I  have  translated  (composed) 
this  book." 

This  having  been  the  laudable  incitement  of  a 
translator,  I  trust  that  a  motive  no  less  praiseworthy 
is  attachable  to  me  (the  poet),  who  claim  origina- 
lity throughout  my  effusions,  and  who  have  in  some 
measure,  aimed  at  the  accomplishment  of  the  idea 
of  Horace,  who  gave  it  as  his  opinion  that, 

Non  satis  est  pulchra  esse  poemata,  dulcia  sunto. 

Whether  I  have  succeeded  or  not  in  my  attempt, 
I  leave  to  the  decision  of  those  who  shall  deign  to 

B2 


XV111  PREFATORY  DISCOURSE. 

peruse  my  lays;  but  of  this  I  feel  proudly  confident, 
that  nothing  but  the  welfare  of  my  countrymen  hath 
prompted  my  Muse,  having  no  incitement  what- 
soever, either  to  personality  or  malice;  for  it  is  cer- 
tainly permitted  me  to  ask, 


■  Ego  si  risi,  quod  ineptus 


Pastillos  Rufillus  olet — lividus  et  mordex  videar? 

Having  thus  wiped  away  every  supposition  on  the 
score  of  vindictive  satire,  on  my  part,  I  shall  deliver 
my  thoughts  on  this  head,  in  the  words  of  Burton^ 
who,  in  his  elaborate  and  scientific  Anatomy  of  Me- 
lancholy,  has  thus  given  two  Latin  lines  in  our  mo- 
ther tongue: 

The  best  and  surest  method  of  advice, 

Should  spare  the  person,  tho'  it  brands  the  vice. 

With  respect  to  the  multitude  that  will  not  think 
fit  to  trouble  itself  with  the  perusal  of  my  labours; 
or,  more  properly  speaking,  to  taste  *U^»  kikcc,  I 
must  beg  leave  to  acquaint  such  votaries  of  folly,  that 
the  vessel,  or  rather  the  fleet,  of  their  darling  god- 
dess is  ready  for  their  immediate  embarkation;  and, 
in  order  to  bid  them  adieu,  I  shall,  therefore,  have 


PREFATORY  DISCOURSE.  XiX 

recourse  to  the  ensuing  stanzas  of  my  worthy  friend 
Alexander  Barclay,  the  priest. 

But  to  assemble  these  fooles  in  one  bande, 

And  their  demerites  wortily  to  note, 

Fayne  shall  I  shippes  of  every  maner  lande, 

None  shall  be  left,  barke,  galley,  ship.,  nor  bote, 

One  vessell  can  not  bring  them  all  ajlote, 

For  if  all  these  fooles  were  brought  into  one  barge, 

The  bote  should  sinke,  so  sore  should  be  the  charge* 

The  sayles  are  haused,  a  pleasant  coole  doth  blowe, 
The  fooles  assemble  as  fast  as  they  may  drive; 
Some  swimmeth  after,  other  as  thicke  dothrowe, 
In  their  small  botes,  as  bees  about  a  hive, 
The  number  is  great,  and  eche  one  doth  strive, 
For  to  be  chief e,  as  purser  and  captayne, 
Quartermaster,  lodesman,  or  els  Boteswayne. 

They  runne  to  our  ship,  eche  one  doth  greatly  feare, 
Least  his  slacke  pace  should  cause  him  bide  behindej 
The  winde  riseth,  and  is  like  the  sayle  to  teare, 
Eche  one  enforceth  the  anker  up  to  ivinde, 
The  sea  swelleth  by  planetes  well  Ifnde. 
These  obscure  cloudes  threaten  us  tempest: 
All  are  not  in  bed  which  shall  have  ill  rest. 


XX  PREFATORY  DISCOURSE. 

And  now,  friend  reader,  will  I  close  these  prefa- 
tory lines,  supplicating  the  interposition  of  Wisdom 
in  thy  favour,  that  her  bright  radiance  may  so  ex- 
pand around  thee,  as  to  dissipate  from  thy  reason  the 
noxious  vapours  of  ignorance  and  folly,  urging  thee 
to  discard  bells,  cap,  and  ladle ;  assuming  in  their 
stead  the  dazzling  spear  of  Minerva  to  affright  thine 
adversaries;  while,  firm  in  the  sacred  cause,  thou 
may  est  act  in  unison  with  myself,  and  henceforth 
exclaim, 


sum. 


Quid  verum  atque  decens  euro  et  rogo,  et  omnis  in  hoc 


THE  TABLE 


OF 


CONTENTS. 

Section.  Page. 

I.  Of  Foolish  unprofitable  Books  1 

II.  Of  new  Fashions,  and  Fools  that  wear 

disguised  Garments  7 

III.  Of  Old  Fools,  viz.  the  longer  they  live, 

the  more  they  are  given  to  Folly  12 

IV.  Of  Old  Fools  who  hanker  after  Young 

Women  -  -  15 

V.  Of  such   as  know  Nothing,   and  will 

learn  Nothing,  or  of  Fools  oppressed 

by  their  own  Folly         -         -  1 9 

VI.  Of  Foolish  Counsellors,  Judges,   and  ; 

Men  of  Law         -         -         -         -23 

VII.  Of  Foolish  modern   Wives   and    Fa- 

shionables        -         -         -         -         27 

VIII.  Of  Fools  who   contemn   and    despise 

Religion         -  -  31 

IX.  Of  Foolish  Gluttons  and.  Drunkards  34 


xxii  CONTENTS. 

Sec.  Page. 

X.  Of  young  Fools  who  marry  Old  ones 

for  love  of  Gold  40 

XL          Of  Venal  Fools         ....  44 

XII.  Of  Fools  who  Masquerade  at  Midnight  48 

XIII.  Of  Fools  who  seek  Fortune  at  Games 

of  Chance         -  52 

XIV.  Of  Foolish  Priests,  and  babbling  Par- 

sons in  the  Choir         -         -         -  57 

XV.  Of  Fools  who  practise  vileness  of  Man- 

ners at  Table         -         -           -  63 

XVI.  Of  Avaricious  Fools  -         -         -67 

XVII.  Of  the  vice  of  Sloth  in  Fools            -  70 

XVIII.  Of  Foolish  Flatterers  and  Glossers  74 

XIX.  Of  the  Vanity  of  Fools           -           -  79 

XX.  Of  Usurious  Fools  82 

XXI.  Of  Fools  who  superintend  the  Educa- 

tion of  Children         -         -        -  85 

XXII.  Of  Prodigal  Fools           -         -         -  92 

XXIII.  Of  curious  and  prying  Fools            -  95 

XXIV.  Of  the  Fool  that  is  Jealous  of  his  Wife 

without  a  Cause         -         -         -  99 

XXV.  Of  Fools  that  know,  and  are  instru- 

mental to,  their  Wives'  Inconstancy  102 

XXVI.  Of  Fools  that  are  Passionate  at  Trifles  106 

XXVII.  Of  Fools  who  rely  on  the  stability  of 

Fortune          -         -        -        -  HO 


CONTENTS. 


xxin 


Sec.  Page. 

XXVIII.  Of  Foolish  Scoffers  and  Backbiters  1 14 

XXIX.  Of  Fools  that  do  other  Men's  Bu- 

siness and  neglect  their  own 

XXX.  Of  Fools  who  collect  old  Books  and 

Prints  - 

XXXI.  Of  Foolish  Antiquaries 

XXXII.  Of  Fools  who  delight  in  the  Chase 

XXXIII.  Of  Fools  who  pretend  to  despise 

Death         .... 

XXXIV.  Of  discontented  and  unsteady  Fools   140 

XXXV.  Of  Fools  who  go  to  Law  for  Trifles  144 

XXXVI.  Of  Fools  who  provide  Nothing  in 

youth  to  live  in  Age 

XXXVII.  Of  Fools  who  are  in  Love 

XXXVIII.  Of  Foolish  Astronomers  and  Star 

Gazers         -         -         - 

XXXIX.  Of  Foolish  Alchemists      '- 
XL.               Of  the  Vain  Boasting  of  Fools 
XLI.             Of  Ambitious  Fools 
XLII.           Of  Fools  who  boast  their  Ancestry 

and  Pedigree 
XLI II.         Of  Fools  who  pursue  unprofitable 

Study         - 
XLIV.         Of  Foolish  Poets  and  Authors 
XLV.  Of  Imperial  Fools     - 

XL VI.         Of  Fools  who  think  none  so  wise  as 

themselves  - 

XL VII.       Of  Fools  who  daily  prolong  their 

own  Amendment    -    -    207 


116 

120 
125 
131 

136 


149 
153 

159 
164 
169 
174 

178 

184 
191 
198 

203 


XXIV 


CONTENTS. 


Sec 

XLVIII 

XLIX. 


LL 
LII. 

LIII. 
LIV. 
LV. 
LVI. 

LVII. 

LVIII. 
LIX. 

LX. 


Page. 
.  Of  Noble  Fools  -         -         -        211 

Of  the  Diseased  Fool,  that  will  not 

attend  to  his  Physician         -  216 

Of  Fools  that  willingly  put  themselves 

in  the  Way  of  Peril  -         -         220 

Of  Gentlemen  Fools         -         -  224 

Of  Fools,  who,  in  Age,  give  bad  Exam- 
ples to  Youth  -  -  -  228 
Of  the  Envious  Fool  -  231 
Of  Fools  who  believe  in  Predestination  235 
Of  Martial  Fools  -  239 
Of  Fools  who  do  not  understand  a  Game, 

and  yet  will  play          -         -  246 
Of  Fools  who  place  their  Trust  in  He- 
ritage          249 

Of  Trading  Fools         -         -         -         253 
Of  Fools  that  will  not  speak  the  Truth, 

for  Fear  of  Punishment  -  256 

Of  Fools   whose  Labour  constitutes 


their  Pleasure         -         -  -          259 

LXI.       Of  Fools  who  despise  Misfortune  262 

LXIl:     Of  the  Folly  of  all  the  World  -         265 

LXIII.   Description  of  a  Wise  Man  -         268 

LXIV.   Of  the  Reward  of  Wisdom  272 

LXV.     Of  Back  Biters,   and  such  as  shall 

despise  this  Work         -  -          274 

LXVL  The  Author  a  Fool        -        -  -       278 


STULTIFERA  NAVIS. 


SECTION  I. 

OF  FOOLISH  UNPROFITABLE  BOOKS. 

Os  dignum  setsrno  nitidum  quod  fulgeat  auro 
Si  mallet  laudare  Deum,  cui  sordida  monstra 
Prxtulit,  &  liquidam  temperavit  crimine  vocem* 

O  how  can  I  with  any  prudence  dress 

A  theme  that  checks  the  freedom  of  the  press, 

The  great  palladium  which  we  all  rely  on? 
Far  better,  Caxton,*  had  this  land  been  stinted 
Of  lives  of  saints,  and  all  that  thou  hast  printed. 

Than  e'er  thine  art  produc'd  what  I  say  fye  on. 

*  William  Caxton  was  the  first  printer  in  England;  he 
established  his  press  at  Westminster,  and  produced  a 
work  entitled,  The  Lives  of  the  Saints,  which  may  very 
justly  be  styled  the  heavenly  Maundeville,  being  replete 
with  so  many  marvellous  histories.  The  first  book  printed 
by  Caxton  was  The  Game  of  Chess,  and  the  second,  The 
Dictes  and  sayinges  of  Philosophers,  by  Earl  Rivers,  dated 

;  U77. 

C 


2  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Hadst  thou  ne'er  usher'd  in  this  baleful  art, 
Full  many  a  damsel  had  ensur'd  her  heart 

'Gainst  subtle  Jean*  Jaques9  nouvelle  Heloise: 
From  French  finesse  and  all  les  petites  ruses, 
And  to  les  Liasons^  tres  danger  euses^ 

Our  damsels  ne'er  had  had  recourse  to  please 

But  in  their  boudoirs}:  ladies  now  display 
JYuga  canora  of  the  present  day; 

Or  Little  poems  §  for  the  fleeting  hour: 
Effusions  which  our  modern  belles  adore, 
Who  only  languish  as  they  read  for  More; 

Of  dulcet  trifles  such  the  magic  pow'r. 

*  The  new  Heloise  of  J.  J.  Rousseau  is  famed  for  the 
fallacious  principles  with  which  it  abounds,  and  the  fasci- 
nation of  the  language,  rendering  sophistry  plausible  at  the 
expense  of  our  reason. 

f  A  very  celebrated  French  work,  entitled  in  English,  . 
Dangerous   Connexions^  which  is  calculated  to  mislead  the 
senses,  and   implant  in  the  mind  the  most  erroneous  sen- 
timents and  opinions. 

Hae  nugx  seria  ducunt  in  mala. 

\  Small  chambers  appropriated  for  retirement,  and  fitted 
up  in  a  luxurious  style,  which  is  in  every  respect  calculated 
to  inflame  the  desires  of  a  voluptuary. 

§  Many  poetic  effusions  of  this  nature  have,  of  late. 


OF  FOOLISH  BOOKS.  O 

Nay,  still  the  clear  illusion  to  enhance, 
Indecency  is  coupled  with  romance,* 

To  curtain  modesty  with  crimson  shame; 
As  if  discarding  chastity  from  hence, 
Was  the  criterion  of  all  common  sense, 

And  the  sure  beacon  of  the  road  to  fame. 

issued  from  the  press,  who  serapid  sale  has  but  too  evi- 
dently indicated  the  taste  of  the  present  times.  Of  some 
productions  of  this  nature,  concerning-  which  we  may  ex- 
claim with  Horace, 

Versus  inopes  rerum,  nugreque  can  or  x, 

it  hath  been  confidently  asserted,  that  ladies  of  ton,  not  sa- 
tisfied with  a  single  copy,  have  purchased  separate  impres- 
sions for  the  carriage,  the  boudoir,  and  the  dressing  room, 
while  a- fourth  has  not  unfrequently  been  deposited  under 
the  pillow  at  night,  to  serve  as  a  gentle  lullaby. 

*  Some  famous,  or  rather  infamous,  works  of  this  na- 
ture have  met  the  public  eye,  to  the  disgrace  of  the  writers, 
whose  labours  are  well  calculated  to  adorn  an  index  expur- 
gatorius;  but  this  is  not  all,  for  our  literary  gentlemen  (as 
they  term  themselves)  not  contented  with  their  own  de- 
reliction, must  needs  ransack  the  productions  of  Parisian 
irreligion,  false  philosophy,  and  immorality,  in  order  to  give 
them  publicity  in  this  country,  by  means  of  translation, 
witness  the  Dtlphine  of  Mad.  Stael,  together  with  a  hun- 
dred et  cameras.   And  as  if  the  mania  was  never  to  end;  no- 


4  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

But  poems  and  romances,  what  are  they, 
When  new  philosophy*  illumes  the  way? 

Sages  of  Greece  and  Rome  are  naught,  I  ween; 
Friends  of  the  Bonnet  Rouge  can  all  o'ertop, 
And  not  with  tongue  alone  their  logic  chop, 

Witness  the  annals  of  the  Guillotine. 

L'ENVOYf  OF  THE  POET. 

Hold,  hold,  my  Muse,  deceitful  books,  farewel; 
Till  human  nature  cons  your  page  no  more: 

thing  had  such  a  run  for  a  period,  as  the  trash  that  was 
advertised  as  coming1  piping-hot  from  the  German  school;  in 
short,  we  have  been  inundated  with  Gallic  philosophy, 
morality,  &c.  and  the  German  extravaganza,  both  literary 
and  dramatic. 

Li  matti  hanno  bolletta  di  dir  cid  che  vogliano. 

*'  It  would  be  needless  to  dilate  upon  this  topic,  as  the 
fanatics  of  a  neighbouring  country,  not  to  lay  any  stress 
upon  those  gentlemen  who  have  figured  on  this  side  of  the 
water,  have  given  incontrovertible  testimony  of  the  fallacy 
of  their  opinions,  by  the  overthrow  of  those  systems,  or 
castles  in  the  air,  with  which  they  amused  themselves,  to 
the  destruction  of  all  social  order,  and  the  consequent 
butchery  of  thousands  of  their  fellow  citizens. 

•f  As  the  above  word  is  made  use  of  in  the  translation 
of  Alexander  Barclay,  from  whose  publication  the  poet 


OF  FOOLISH  BOOKS.  5 

Degraded  man  each  virtue  shall  expel, 
And  robes  of  modesty  bedeck  the  whore. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  dvis,* 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultiftra\  Navis, 

took  his  idea  of  the  present  work,  it  appears  evident  that 
lie  did  not  think  fit  to  alter  the  same,  as  throughout  all  his 
sections  no  other  word  is  applied  to  denote  that  he  sends 
his  advice  to  the  several  classes  of  fools,  concerning'  whom 
he  treats  in  this  book. 

*  As  these  words  are  usually  adverted  to  in  speaking  of 
any  individual  pre-eminent  in  wisdom  or  excellence,  the 
poet  has,  it  is  conjectured,  conceived  himself  licensed  ia 
using  them,  while  treating  of  those  who  are  equally  pro- 
minent in  folly. 

|  It  is  hoped  that  the  poetic  licence  of  the  bard,  in 
having  lengthened  the  syllable^  as  above  will  be  forgiven^ 
as  the  word  should  certainly  be  pronounced  thus,  stultifera* 
Even  the  great  and  classic  Mr.  Pope  has  not  scrupled  to 
take  a  liberty  more  itnclassical  in  abbreviating  the  pronun- 
ciation of  the  English  word  satellites,  which,  if  properly 
read,  would  render  his  line  short  and  inharmonious;  but  if 
regarded  as  Latin,  even  then  the  poet  is  wrong,  as  it  should 
be,  according  to  grammatical  rules,  satellita. 

■* Jove's  satellites  are  less  than  Jove." 

C2 


THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 


This,  however,  is  not  the  only  instance,  as  similar  liber- 
ties  have  been  taken  by  most  of  our  poetical  writers,  and 
on  that  plea  the  annotator  grounds  his  hope,  that  the  pub- 
lic will  excuse  the  license  taken  by  the  present  bard. 


C  •*   ] 


SECTION  II. 


OF    NEW    FASHIONS,    AND    FOOLS    THAT    WEAR 
DISGUISED    GARMENTS. 

Ad  populum  phaleras,  ego  te  intus  et  in  cute  novi. 

Go  hide  thy  face,  dame  Decency,  while  I 
Descant  on  fashions  and  our  ladies'  dress ; 

Their  modes  are  folly,  and  their  drapery 
One  yard  of  gauzef  to  cover  nakedness. 

With  lawn  transparent  are  their  bosoms  bound, 
Alluring  ev'ry  eye  to  view  the  sight ; 

While  stomach,  taper  waist,  and  contour  rounds 
Are  visible  thro'  cambric  twin'd  so  tight. 

f  It  is  absolutely  impossible  to  walk  the  streets  of  Lon- 
don, without  witnessing  the  truth  of  this  remark ;  as  the 
ladies,  not  contented  with  parading  all  but  netted,  must 
needs  heighten  the  scene,  by  grasping  tightly  round  them 
the  small  portion  of  drapery  they  have,  whereby  the  whole 
contour  from  the  waist  downwards,  is  just  as  perceptible,  as 
if  they  had  no  covering  at  all. 


THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

One  petticoat  or  drawers*  of  muslin  thin, 
From  heav'n's  rude  blast  protects  the  fragile 
maid  ; 

Maid  did  I  say  !  What  dift  'rence  in  the  sin, 
The  harlot's  act,  or  limbs  by  lust  array'd  ? 

Or  view  the  milliner's  inventive  art, 
In  hips  elastic,  and  full  swell  behind ; 

Stays  "  a  la  Je  ne  f  scats  quoi"  at  once  impart, 
That  nature's  naught  without  such  modes  re- 
fin'd. 


*  As  a  trifling1  effort  of  Boreas  might  elevate,  or  the 
rude  push  of  a  passenger  cause  a  rent  in  the  thin  petticoat 
or  chemise,  whereby  a  total  exposure  would  be  inevitable, 
the  expedient  of  wearing  drawers  of  muslin  has  been  re- 
sorted to,  which,,  in  some  instances,  are  converted  by 
Dashers  into  trowsers,  with  the  addition  of  a  deep  fringe  of 
lace,  which  is  carefully  displayed  by  the  shortness  of  the 
petticoat  dangling  about  the  ancles.   So  much  for  decency! 

f  This  article  of  dress,  not  only  obviates  any  pressure 
upon  the  bosom,  but,  if  necessity  requires  it,  substitutes, 
by  cotton  wadding,  any  deficiency.  With  respect  to  the 
stomach,  and  Butler's  renowned  seat  of  honour,  the  wad- 
ding is  also  continued  to  that  part,  with  the  addition  of 
whalebone,  so  as  to  compress  the  (levant,  and  give  elasticity 


OF  NEW  FASHIONS.  V 

Naught  was  the  swelling  Pad*  compar'd  to  this, 
Indeed,  for  beauty  it  was  ne'er  design'd ; 

But  that  a  woman  still  might  seem  a  miss> 
A  single  hour  before  she  was  confin'd. 

Tight  let  the  Grecian  tresses  bind  the  head, 
And  countless  ringlets,  "  A  la  Recamiere"  f 

and  rotundity  to  the derrie re,  by  which  means,  should  the 
rude  touch  of  an  inebriated  carman  chance  to  come  in  con- 
tact with  honour's  throne,  the  grasp  would  not  be  felt,  and 
that  much  redoubted  seat  of  majesty,  would  consequently 
escape  insult. 

*  This  convenient  appendage  to  the  stomach,  levelled  at 
once  all  distinctions  with  single  and  married  ladies,  ex- 
cepting, that  what  was  artificial  in  the  mother,  was  frequent- 
ly natural  in  the  daughter. 

f  This  appellation  was  derived  from  the  Parisian  lady 
who  gave  the  ton  to  a  vast  profusion  of  cork-screw  curls, 
ranged  upon  the  forehead  like  rows  of  twisted  wires,  simi- 
lar to  what  are  placed  near  the  cranks  of  bells  to  give  them 
elasticity.  In  order  to  produce  the  thin  glossy  appearance 
which  constitutes  the  beauty  of  these  tresses,  (not  unlike 
the  love  locks  in  the  time  of  Charles  the  First)  it  is  ne- 
cessary, after  curling  with  the  irons,  to  divide  and  sub- 
divide each  ringlet,  which  is  then  passed  through  the  fin- 
gers of  the  dressing  woman,  who  has  previously  wetted 
them  with  some  sweet  scented  oil. 


10  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

In  greasy  order  o'er  the  front  be  spread, 
The  whole  a  peruque,  *  fye  on  nat'ral  hair. 

The  deaden'd  lustre  of  that  once  bright  eye, 
The  tinge  vermilion  with  white  lead  conjoin'd, 

Fain  would  revive,  while  health's  rose  blooming 
dye, 
By  dissipation  long  hath  been  purloin'd. 

Naked  the  arms,  the  shoulders  too  are  bare, 

Lest  calves  and  ancles  blush  men's  eyes  to  meet 

In  silk  array 'd  ;  while  crimson  t  clocks  compare 
To  flames  of  fire  on  Satan's  cloven  feet. 


*  As  to  nature,  she  has  literally  no  more  to  do  with 
modem  taste  in  this  particular,  than  a  mag-pie  has  occasion 
for  a  Greek  lexicon.  How,  in  the  name  of  common  sense, 
should  the  simple  goddess  define  what  is  so  suitable  to  our 
complexions  as  we  ourselves  can?  besides,  what  would  be- 
come of  Mr.  Collick  the  hair-merchant,  and  the  numerous 
gentlemen  of  Mr.  Vicary's  calling*.  No  lady  of  ton  can  pos- 
sibly think  of  less  than  ten  wigs  in  constant  wear;  in  short, 
there  should  be  one  suited  to  every  look  and  to  every  pas- 
sion. 

•f  The  diversity  of  coloured  silk  stockings,  which  have 
graced  the  legs  of  our  Belles,  has  conduced,  it  is  imagined, 
to  heighten  their  predilection  for  making  those  limbs  so 


OF  NEW  FASHIONS.  II 

No  more  must  female  beauties  be  concealed, 
Poor  decency,  alas  !  hath  had  a  fall ; 

For  men  were  us'd  to  wed  charms  unreveal'd ; 
But  now  they  marry  what  is  known  to  all. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Though  common  decency  implores  in  vain, 

Still  must  I  counsel,  and  the  truth  disclose ; 
For  nakedness  ensures  rheumatic  pain, 

So  be  advis'd,  my  maids,  put  on  your  clothes, 

THE    POET'S    CHORUS    TO    FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


very  public,  by  a  uniform  method  now  adopted  of  twitch- 
ing* up  the  gown  on  one  side  as  high  as  the  garter, 

"  Honi  soit  qui  mal  y  pense." 

Some  fashionables,  however,  have  not  confined  these  har- 
lequinade hose  to  their  own  legs,  but  have  equipped  even 
their  lacqueys  in  variegated  stockings.  We  do  not,  however, 
mean  by  this,  any  comparison  whatsoever  with  the  bas 
jaundtre  of  our  blue-coat  boys,  the  former  being  the  insig- 
nias  of  puppyism  and  folly,  whereas  the  latter,  are  the  uni- 
ted badges  of  charity,  wisdom,  and  science. 


L    m 


SECTION  III. 


OF  OLD  FOOLS VIZ.  THE  LONGER  THEY  LIVE 

THE  MORE  THEY  ARE  GIVEN  TO  FOLLY. 

The  hoary  head  is  a  crown  of  glory,  if  it  be  found  in  the 
way  of  righteousness.  Solomon- 

Spite  of  the  winters  thou  hast  told, 
Thy  frozen  blood,  thy  visage  old, 
I    Thy  reason  still  is  mute : 
'Tis  not  the  infancy  of  age 
That  lulls  thy  sense—'tis  still  the  rage 
To  wear  the  youthful  suit. 

Thine  hairs  of  honour  turn'd  quite  gray,   , 
By  thee  contemn'd,  are  shorn  away, 
In  flaxen  tresses,  'ray'd ;  * 

*  Every  reader  must  allow  the  justice  of  these  remarks 
of  the  poet,  for  even  the  most  casual  observer  cannot  saun- 
ter down  Bond  Street  in  the  fashionable  season,  without 
witnessing  living  objects  of  this  cast,  whose  gray  hairs, 


OF  OLD  FOOLb.  i; 

Instead  of  suit  demure,  I  see 
Thy  wither'd  frame  in  foppery- 
Through  Bond  Street  oft  parade. 

I  hear  no  precepts  from  thy  tongue, 
To  check  th'  imprudence  of  the  young*, 

Thyself  more  fool  than  they ; 
Experience  having  knock'd  in  vain 
To  gain  admittance  to  thy  brain, 

Obscur'd  is  wisdom's  ray. 

The  wise  contemn,  the  young  deride, 
For  thee  respect  is  e'en  deny'd ; 
From  sentiment  exempt ; 

-.he  insignias  of  age,  and  the  ensurers  of  respect,  are 
shaven  off;  while  in  their  place  is  substituted  a  curly  boy- 
ish wig,  accompanied  with  the  extravagant  livery  of  the 
latest  fashion,  and  gouty  feet  wedged  into  thin  dress 
pumps,  which,  notwithstanding  their  natty  appearance, 
convince  the  wearer  at  every  step,  by  the  acuteness  of  the 
twinge  endured,  that  the  guise  of  youth  does  not  become 
him.  Yet,  all  in  vain,  he  bids  defiance  to  advice,  nor  heeds 
the  poet  who  exclaims. 

Sperne  voluptates,  nocet  empta  dolore  voluptas. 

D 


14  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Thy  death-bed  views  thee  void  of  friend, 
When  gone,  no  tongue  laments  thine  end, 
Thy  passing  knell's — Contempt.* 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
The  hoary  head,  with  wisdom's  radiance  crown'd, 

Lives  to  inculcate  what  experience  taught ; 
In  death  bequeathing  this  bright  truth  profound, 

I  liv'd  to  learn — left  others  wisdom  fraught. 

the  poet's  chorus  to  fools. 

Come  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


*  It  is  most  assuredly  a  matter  of  serious  regret,  that 
the  vain  folly  of  old  persons  is  far  more  detrimental  to  the 
rising*  generation  than  to  themselves.  With  what  degree 
of  confidence,  let  me  ask,  can  the  preceptor  and  instructor 
produce  as  an  example,  such  a  father  to  the  pupil  he  is 
tutoring?  If  his  lessons  are  correct,  they  must  inevitably 
hold  up  the  parent  in  a  contemptible  and  debased  point  of 
view;  and  if,  on  the  other  hand,  he  vindicates  the  follies  of 
the  father,  he  extends  the  fostering  hand  to  vice,  and  thus 
willingly  contaminates  the  mind  which  he  was  imperiously 
called  upon  to  rear  in  the  paths  of  science,  virtue,  and  ho- 
nour. 

A  testa  bianca  spesso  cervello  manca. 


E    u   } 


SECTION  IV. 


•  F  OLD  FOOLS  WHO  HANKER  AFTER  YOUNG 

WOMEN. 

Concubitu  prohibere  vago. 

Hast  thou  sixty  winters  counted, 
And  on  back  of  goat  still  mounted 

With  a  celt's  toothy  in  thine  head : 
Front  quite  bald,  and  small  eyes  leering, 
Lips  which  still  proclaim  thee  steering 

To  the  harlot's  reeking  bed  ? 

Now  by  some  dark  alleys  waiting, 
Hottest  lust  thy  soul  elating, 
All  thy  wither'd  limbs  on  fire ; 

f  There  might  be  many  instances  adduced  of  this  pro- 
pensity still  remaining"  in  full  force  with  persons,  though 
not  even  a  stump  of  the  strongest  grinder  is  left  in  their 
jaws.  Such  a  deficiency,  however,  is  easily  replaced  by 
rows  of  ivory,  which  speedily  imbibe  a  deep  yellow  tinge, 
a  certain  index  of  the  raging  and  unquenchable  fire  that 
burns  within. 

i  The  picture  here  displayed  by  the  poet,  cannot  be 


3  6  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Knees  unsteady,  legs  quite  spindle, 
Bloodless  frame,  that  seems  to  dwindle, 
Parch'd  with  feverish  vain  desire. 

AH  thy  life  one  scene  of  riot, 
Days  unsteady,  nights  unquiet, 

Fancy  ever  on  the  rack ; 
Forming  plans  for  which  thou'rt  thirsting^ 
But  on  trial  prove  disgusting, 

Heaping  ennui  on  thy  back. 

Senseless  idiot;  driv'ller*  tell  me, 
Think'st  thou  virtue  e'er  will  sell  thee 
Mind  untainted,  beauty,  grace  ! 

:nore  strikingly  exemplified  than  in  the  first  plate  of  the 
Harlot's  Progress,  from  the  pencil  of  that  inimitable  satirist, 
Hogarth,  which  displays  the  arrival  of  a  beautiful  country 
girl  in  the  metropolis,  who  is  supposed  to  have  that  moment 
alighted  from  the  waggon,  being  accosted  by  an  artful 
procuress;  while  in  the  back  ground  appears  the  infamous 

Colonel  C rt — s,  her  employer,  whose  age  and  attitude 

may  serve  as  a  resemblance  of  our  poet's  hoary  headed 
debauchee. 

*  Nothing  affords  matter  for  more  melancholy  reflec- 
tion, than  to  witness  this  dotage  in  men  who,  during  the 
vigourof  manhood,  ennobled  themselves;  a  striking  instance 
of  which  is  recorded  in  the  person  of  the  renowned  Ed- 


OF  OLD  FOOLS.  T'f 

Aged  impotence,!  believe  me, 
All  thy  fancy'd  joys  deceive  thee, 
Thine's  the  harlot's  bought  embrace. 

l 'envoy  of  the  poet. 
The  soul's  great  bane  is  mental  idleness : 
Watch  ev'ry  thought,  nor  let  the  mind  be 
mute. 

ward  III  who  at  the  age  of  77,  was  the  slave  of  one  Alice 
Pearce,  whom  he  denominated  the  "  Lady  of  beauty ,"  and 
in  whose  honour  tiltings  and  tournaments  were  held  in 
Smithfield,  at  which  the  court  attended.  But  nothing  can 
more  pointedly  display  the  folly  of  such  conduct  than  the 
close  of  that  great  man's  life,  who  was  attended  on  his 
death-bed  by  this  fascinating  dame,  who,  finding  the  mon- 
arch's end  fast  approaching,  threw  aside  all  those  fascina- 
tions which  she  had  been  in  the  habit  of  adopting  to  sub- 
jugate him,  and,  blind  to  every  principle  but  that  of  inte- 
rest, even  at  the  trying  hour  of  dissolution,  she  busied  her- 
self in  tearing  the  jewels  from  off  his  fingers,  and  posses- 
sing every  thing  valuable  that  presented  itself  to  her  view*. 

t  The  great  and  politic  Elizabeth,  when  in  her  76th  year, 
doted  on  the  memory  of  the  Earl  of  Essex,  for  whom  a  so- 
lemn dance  was  given,  at  which  Mrs.  Tiffin,  one  of  her  la- 
dies, was  habited  in  character,   and  presented  herself  to 

D2 


18  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

If  temperance  in  youth  checks  rash  excess, 
Its  sober  pleasures  with  its  years  shall  suit. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

the  queen,  who,  pretending  to  be  surprised  at  her  appear- 
ance, demanded, 

"  Pray,  who  are  you? " 

"  Affection,"  answered  Mrs.  Tiffin. 

"  Affection's  false,"  replied  the  queen.  Upon  which 
the  lady  wooed  her  Majesty  to  dance,  which,  we  are  in- 
formed, she  did  most  solemnly,  in  despite  of  age  and  the 
falsehood  of  affection . 


C   19  ] 


SECTION  V. 


of  such  as  know  nothing,  and  will  learn 
nothing;  or  of  fools  oppressed  by  their 
own  folly. 

Though  thou  shouldst  bray  a  fool  in  a  mortar,  among 
wheat,  with  a  pestle,  yet  will  not  his  folishness  depart 
from  him.  Solomon. 

Say,  what  is  this,  a  painted  butterfly, 
Or  antic  harlequin  of  motly  dye, 

What  is't  that  thus  disgraceth  human  nature  ? 
Tis  Adam's  progeny  in  face  and  shape, 
In  port  and  conduct  but  a  very  ape  ;t 

A  man  of  fashion :  vile,  insipid  creature ! 

t  Indeed  there  are  too  many  of  this  description,  whose 
painted  cheeks,  perfumed  linen,  blackened  eyebrows,  and 
stay-laced  shapes,  together  with  affected  utterance,  dis- 
grace the  title  of  manhood. 

Simia  quam  similis,  turpissima  bestia,  nobis. 

Now  tell  me,  ye  petit  maitresy  do  ye  know  your  like- 
nesses? 


20  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

His  speech  a  lisp,  his  gaze  a  vacant  stare, 
His  walk  a  drawl,  and  listlessness  his  air, 

While  for  his  manhood  he's  the  taylor's  debtor, 
With  wadded  coat  and  wadded  short  clothes  too, 
With  tight-lac'd  stays,  that  he  may  seem  to  view 

A  killing  youth — a  felon  hung  in  fetter. 

What,  felon !  Yea  ;  but  not  of  common  sense  ; 
Purloiner  of  an  idiot's  impudence, 

For  arm'd  with  follyf  loudly  he'll  bespatter; 
Talk  of  his  wench ;  naught  else  has  he  to  say  : 
And  fright  the  subjects  on  the  king's  highway, 

Who  Beth'lem's  guest  j  believe  him  by  his 
chatter. 

|  Not  only  in  conversation  do  these  hermaphrodites  prove 
that  ex  nihilo  nihil  fit,  they  have  even  sometimes  the  ef- 
frontery to  set  themselves  up  for  men  of  literature,  when 
they  never  fail  to  verify  the  line  of  Horace. 

Boeotum  in  crasso  jurares  aere  natum. 

J  1  should  advise  a  revision  of  the  code  of  laws,  insti- 
tuted for  the  suppression  of  public  nuisances;  among-  the 
foremost  of  which  ought  certainly  to  be  included  these 
pests  of  society,  whom  I  would  render  indictable  by  men  of 
common  sense,  subjecting  them  to  the  public  lash  of  the  ri- 
dicule they  so  richly  deserve. 


OF  FASHIONABLE  FOOLS.  St 

At  night  the  man  of  ton,  prepar'd  for  rout, 
With  op'ra  hat  and  folly  tinsell'd  out, 

Determined  is  thro'  thick  and  thin  to  dash  on. 
Splutters  forth  nonsense,  which,  with  kindred 

elves, 
Passes  for  wit;  because  they  are  themselves 
Yoke  fellowsf  all,  and  people  of  high 
fashion.^ 


f  There  is  nothing  very  wonderful  in  this,  when  we  ask 
the  simple  question,  and  hear  its  solution,  Quare  faeit  opi- 
um dormire  ?  Quia  in  eo  est  virtus  dormitiva. 

J  As  a  convincing  proof  that  the  most  trivial  circum- 
stances will  agitate  these  things — these  men  of  straw,  the 
following  stanzas  are  founded  on  absolute  fact,  the  de- 
spairing youth  being  one  of  our  refined  fashionable  literati, 

In  circles  of  fashion  Sir  Saunter  was  known; 
His  manners,  in  all  things,  were  purely  his  own; 
He  always  was  busy  with  nothing  to  do, . 
Wou'd  fret  if  his  buckle  sat  ill  on  his  shoe; 
Was  nervous  and  dying,  good  natur'd  and  easy, 
And  prattled  soft  nothing,  in  order  to  please  ye. 

It  happ'd  on  a  time,  'twas  at  Chiswick,  they  say, 
A  Dutchess  gave  breakfast  at  five  in  the  day. 
Sir  Saunter,  of  course,  'mid  the  foremost  was  seen, 
To  simper  and  saunter  with  all  on  the  green, 


22  the  ship  of  fools. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Instil  sage  precepts  in  the  youthfnl  brain. 

Cull  ev'ry  weed,  each  dawning  passion  scan  2 
Maturity  shall  well  requite  thy  pain, 

And  dignify  with  science  rising  man. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

Where  England's  first  princea  with  a  smile  on  each 

feature, 
Receiv'd  ev'ry  greeting  with  cordial  good  nature* 

Sir  Saunter  then  tripp'd  to  a  lady  so  kind, 

O!  madam,  said  he,  I've  a  weight  on  my  mind; 

Indeed,  now  the  truth  of  the  matter  is  this, 

I'm  only  one  shade  from  the  regions  of  bliss; 

For  had  my  green  eoat  been  but  darker  one  dye, 

?T would  have  match'd  with  the  prince's  as  I  am  like  I. 


C   23   3 


SECTION  VL 


GF    FOOLISH    COUNSELLORS,    JUDGES,    AND    MEN 
OF    LAW, 

To  do  justice  and  judgment  is  more  acceptable  to  the  Lord 
than  sacrifice.  Solomon. 

II  retto  giudice  piu  alia  giustitia,  che  a  gli  huomini  ha 
riguardo. 

And  can  no  quibble  law  itself  excuse ; 
Must  I  condemn  thee  spite  of  all  thy  ruse  ? 

A  wond'rous  tale  my  chronicle  now  tells : 
For  in  the  place  of  judge's  robe  sedate, 
The  lawyer's  garb,  the  wig*  on  counsel's  pate, 

I  view  a  zany's  ladle,  ears,  and  bells. 


*  The  owl-like  consequence  transferred  by  a  copious 
-wig  to  the  physiognomy  of  the  wearer  is  never  more  strik- 
ingly exemplified  than  in  Westminster  Hall,  where  the  tiers 
of  benches  are  certainly  crowded  with  wigs  on  blocks;  for 
out  of  the  number  of  their  wearers,  half  a  dozen  only  ren- 
der themselves  conspicuous:  the  rest  being  merely  auto- 
matons: and  of  them  it  may  indeed,  with  truth  be  said,  The 


THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 


Say  what's  thy  judgment,  pr'ythee,  silly  ass, 
Brittle  thyself  as  any  Venice  glass  ; 

Dar'st  thou  take  life  which  Heav'n  alone 


can  give  ? 


What  are  thy  quirks,  deceitful  man  of  law  ? 
What  are  thy  pleadings,  counsel,  when  a  flaw 
Condemns  the  guiltless,  bids  the  guilty  live. 


wisdom's  hi  the  wig,  the  wig — the  wisdom's  in  the  wig. 
The  following  little  anecdote,  being  very  applicable  to  our 
young  wearers  of  the  bar  gown,  is  here  introduced  by  way 
of  a  friendly  hint  to  those  flippant  youths,  whose  bags  are 
as  void  of  briefs  as  their  heads  of  brains. 

A  young,  pert,  prating  lawyer  one  day  boasted  to  the 
facetious  counsellor  Costello,  that  he  had  received  five  and 
twenty  guineas,  for  speaking  in  a  certain  cause,  "  And  I," 
said  Mr.  Costello,  "  received  double  that  sum  for  holding 
my  tongue  in  the  same  cause."  But  to  recur  to  the  sub- 
ject of  our  note.  In  delineating  the  sapience  displayed  by 
the  human  physiognomy,  when  surrounded  by  this  copious 
appendage  of  hair,  our  Hogarth  has  proved  himself  no  less 
excellent,  than  on  every  Other  occasion,  wherein  he  has 
given  scope  to  his  extraordinary  talents:  for  let  my  reader 
but  refer  to  that  artist's  plate  concerning  wigs,  and  their 
wearers;  and  however  unacquainted  with  the  rules  of  La- 
vater,  he,  nevertheless,  cannot  fail  to  discover  at  the  first 
glance  stupidity,  ignorance,  and  gluttony,  embosomed  in 
the  ample  wig. 


©F  FOOLISH  COUNSELLORS.  2  a 

Right  is  to  thee  a  pleasing  masquerade ; 
Thine  object's  lucre  ;  justice  but  a  trade  : 
The  fee  will  win  thee,  be  it  foul  or  fair. 
Browbeat*  the  evidence,  turn  black  to  white, 
Hoodwink  the  jury  by  sophistic  flight, 
Hear  innocence  condemn'd  :  what  need'st 
thou  care. 

Sable/ s  thy  robe :  well  fitted  to  impart 
The  sabler  dye  that  stains  thy  callous  heart, 

Glutted  with  gold,  by  fell  extortion  got. 
Thy  darling  principle  is  self  alone: 
The  cries  of  injur'd,  and  the  pris'ner's  groan, 

Ne'er  urge  thee  to  commiserate  their  lot. 

l 'envoy  of  the  poet. 

Mark  o'er  thine  head  now  hangs  the  steady  scale, 
Poiz'd  in  the  hand  supreme  the  balance  see; 

*  This. plan  of  browbeating,  or  to  speak  more  properly, 
frightening  a  witness  out  of  his  wits,  which  is  merely  sub- 
stituting  one  letter  for  another,  making  him  witless  instead 
of  vxtnesst  is  now  reduced  to  a  regular  system;  consequently 
the  grand  art  of  counsel  at  present  is  not  only  to  force  an 
upright  man  to  commit  perjury  by  this  species  of  tongue- 
baiting,  but  also  cause  a  verdict  to  be  given  against  the 
party  who  has  justice  on  his  side. 

E 


26  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Knock  at  thy  breast,  and  should  stern  justice 
fail, 
Think  on  that  judgment  which  must  wait 
on  thee. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis 


[  27-.] 


SECTION  VII. 

OF  FOOLISH  MODERN  WIVES  AND  FASHION- 
ABLES. 

As  a  jewel  of  gold  in  a  swine's  snout,  so  is  a  fair  wo- 
jnan  which  is  without  discretion.  Solomon. 

Ye  dames  of  title,  by  example  led, 

May  safely  wrong  your  senseless  husband's  bed ; 

Fearless  of  monitor  or  partial  blame, 

Since  mere  publicity  entails  your  shame. 

Ye  feel  no  spark  of  love's  celestial  fire ; 
Yours  th'  infuriate  throb  of  fierce  desire, 
With  mind  thus  tutor'd,  caution  is  your  plan  : 
"Tis  naught  to  you,  so  man  succeeds  to  man.* 

*  Notwithstanding  this  apparent  ill  nature  of  the  poet, 
there  are,  nevertheless,  sufficient  public  examples  to  bear 
him  out  in  his  assertions;  but  had  he  been  possessed  of  the 
powers  of  the  famous  devil  on  two  sticks,  which  would 
have  enabled  him  to  learn  such  instances  as  were  hidden 
from  publicity — merciful  Heaven!  what  would  he  not  then 
have  had  to  say!  for  Quae  fuerant  vitia  mores  sunt:  and  the 
contagion  is  now  become  general:  for  the  prim  citizen's 
wife  knows  the  practical  meaning  of  the  word  intrigue 


~8  THE  S*IT  OF  TOOLS. 

But  if,  alas  !  some  chambermaid  espies, 
Through  crack  or  key-hole,  with  her  praying  eyes, 
Such  little  tiltings,  straight  some  scribbling  wag 
Will  advertise  your  cast  off  camphire  bag.f 

equally  as  well  as  the  west  end  of  the  town  lady  of  title; 
and  we  may  therefore  very  justly  say, 

Behold  the  dutchess  or  the  countess  free, 
With  mind  as  prone  to  sensuality 
As  Mrs.  Tabby,  that  on  pent-house  mews, 
Or  Drury's  ladies,  who  frequent  the  stews: 
Yet  not  to  titled  dames  alone  must  I 
Attribute  these  soft  failings;  by  the  bye, 
Tradesmen  and  cits  your  titled  great  may  scorn; 
But  they  alike  are  deck'd  with  cuckold's  horn. 

But  all  this  is  very  excusable,  when  put  in  competition  with 
the  loves  of  ancient  heroines;  witness  Pasiphce,  who  received 
the  tender  embraces  of  a  bull,  and  Semiramis  those  of 
horses,  &c.  &c. 

f  Never  surely  was  a  more  facetious  adventure  than  that 
alluded  to  in  the  above  line;  and,  as  the  lady  did  not  exactly 
understand  her  own  mind,  nor  the  youth  precisely  know  how 
to  win  her  for  a  time,  we  will,  by  way  of  advice  for  young 
gentlemen  in  future,  note  down  a  prescription  which  never 
yet  was  found  to  fail  in  its  effects. 

Whene'er  a  woman  vows  she's  chaste, 

Then  gently  clasp  her  round  the  waist ; 


OF  FOOLISH  MODERN  WIVES.  ~V 

Then  what  ensues  ?  like  Richard  for  his  horse, 
The  horned  husband  cries,  divorce,  divorce  ; 
Flies  to  the  commons,t  spends  his  money  there, 
And  sanction'd  by  the  Lords,  pans  with  his  fair. 

So  even  justice  having  made  one — two, 
Religion  sanctions  what  the  laws  undo  : 
And  thus  th'  adult'rer,  who  the  wife  purloin'dj 
By  holy  wedlock  's  to  th*  adult'ress  join'd, 

Whene'er  she  strives  to  ape  the  prude, 

Be  bold:  you  cannot  be  too  rude. 

But  when  she  vows  she'll  naught  permit, 

She  means  to  ask,  and  will  submit; 

For  all  her  practice  is  but  guile ; 

'Tis  nay  for  yea,  and  frown  for  smile. 

f  It  is  surely  a  very  hard  case  that  a  poor  man  should  be 
compelled  to  wear  his  antlers,  without  being"  permitted  to 
butt  with  them;  leaving  him  to  exclaim  withLucio,  in  Mea- 
sure for  Measure,  "Married  to  a  punk  is  pressing  to  death, 
whipping  and  hanging."  But  such  is  however  the  case,  since 
none  who  cannot  well  pay  for  their  sport,  are  entitled  to 
redress  from  the  gentlemen  of  the  Commons;  consequently 
in  this  particular  the  great  and  the  rich  have  the  best  of  it ; 
and  it  is  doubtless,  on  this  account,  they  make  so  light  of 
publicity  in  matters  of  love ;  as  they  delicately  term  such 
gross  dereliction  from  conjugal  duties. 

E2 


>  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS.    .. 

l'envoy  OF  THE  POET. 

Rear'd  in  the  paths  of  chastity,  a  wife 

Should  guard  her  honour  and  her  husband's 
fame: 

And  teach  her  children  that  a  spotless  life 
Entails  bliss  here — hereafter  a  good  name. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis. 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[     31     ] 


SECTION  VIII. 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  CONTEMN  AND  DESPISE 
RELIGION. 

Parcus  deorum  cultor,  et  infrequens  insanientis  dum 
sapientix  consultuserro;  nunc  retrorsum  vela  dare  atque 
iterare  cursus  cogor  relictos. 

To  taunt  religion  now  a  days, 

And  laugh  to  scorn  all  sacred  writ ; 

From  idiot  tongues  ensures  loud  praise, 
And  passes  for  consummate  wit. 

The  Church,  with  ev5ry  form  of  Pray'r, 
For  reason's  Temple  t  men  disdain  ; 

And  turn  to  jest  the  pastor's  care, 

Because  some  points  he  can't  explain. 

fMuchhas  been,  and  is  said,  of  the  Age  of  Reason -^the 
Temple  of  Reason,  and  the  Goddess  of  Reason,  yet  it  is  not 
a  little  to  be  wondered  at,  that  those  very  beings  who  so  con- 
stantly make  these  their  themes  are  in  themselves  the  most 
unreasonable;  for  while  maintaining  strenuously  such  opi- 
nions, they  nevertheless  allow,  that  if  the  world  was  peopled 


32  tHE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

"  What,"  cries  the  Deist,  with  a  sneer, 

"  Redemption  ! — Priests  may  gain  their  ends  ;" 

"  But  would  a  parent  pay  so  dear 
"  As  give  a  son  to  save  his  friends?" 

"  A  great  First  Cause,55  the  Atheists  cry, 
"  Consummate  nonsense  to  advance  ;55 

"  That  boundless  space  which  men  call  sky55 
"  Contains  a  God — there's  none  but  Chance" 

And  canst  thou  jeer  at  mercy's  theme, 
Nor  think  upon  thy  soul's  dread  loss  ? 

Canst  thou  deride,  for  impious  dream, 
Thy  bleeding  Saviour  on  the  Cross ; 

throughout  with  men  who  had  laid  down  such  principles  as 
the  basis  of  their  conduct  through  life,  every  human  institu- 
tion would  be  at  an  end,  and  a  general  scene  of  devastation 
characterise  the  face  of  nature;  but  in  order  to  validate  this 
position  beyond  a  doubt,  the  train  of  events  which  disgraced 
revolutionary  France,  bid  defiance  to  all  contradiction,  pro- 
ving, that  those  children  of  Reason  were  every  thing  but 
rational,  being  even  debased  by  enormity  that  enhorrors  hu- 
man nature.  Such  then  being  the  case,  farewel  to  Reason, 
which  is  not  sanctioned  by  religion,  for,  Ludere  cum  sacris 
never  yet  was  found  to  constitute  a  part  of  the  creed  of  any 
wise  and  rational  being;  but,  on  the  contrary,  has  been  to- 
lerated only  by  madmen,  knaves,  and  fools. 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  DESPISE  RELIGION.  h'j 

For  shame,  for  shame,  no  longer  yield, 
Thy  dormant  faith  arouse  from  sleep ; 

Drive  irreligion  from  the  field, 

Nor  laugh  at  what  made  angels  weep. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

If  doubts  assail  thee,  bid  thy  reason  speak : 

This  truth  must  ev'ry  wav'ring  thought  disarm ; 

That  faith  whose  attribute  is  mild  and  meek, 
Can  only  tend  to  good — not  lead  to  harm. 

THE    POET'S    CHORUS    TO    FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


34     ] 


SECTION  IX. 


OF  FOOLISH  GLUTTONS  AND  DRUNKARDS. 

Be  not   among  wine-bibbers;  among  riotous  eaters  of 

flesh. 
For  the  Drunkard  and  the  Glutton  shall  come  to  poverty; 

and  drowsiness  shall  clothe  a  man  with  rags. 

Solomon. 

To  city  feast  t  my  prying  gaze  I  turn, 
Profusion  on  the  board  I  there  discern, 

t  Repasts  of  this  nature  have  long  been  proverbial;  nor 
does  the  appearance  of  the  leading  men  east  of  Temple 
Bar,  bely  the  general  opinion  of  their  capability  and  prow- 
ess at  the  knife  and  fork  exercise:  in  vain  doth  moderation 
cry  out,  Lucisti  satis,  edisti  satis  atque  bibisti;  tempus 
abire  tibi  est;  deaf  to  all  such  warnings,  they  continue  the 
attack;  and  instances  have  been  known,  that,  on  the  arrival 
of  an  unexpected  dish,  the  already  gorged  alderman,  thrown 
into  an  ecstacy  at  the  luscious  view,  has  waddled  from  the 
table,  and  having,  by  the  assistance  of  potent  libations  of 
salt  and  water,  eased  in  some  degree  the  over-burdened 
stomach,  he  has  forthwith  returned  to  charge  the  object  of 
his  gluttony,  and  satiated  his  vengeance  by  a  glorious  in- 
digestion. Plures  crapula  quam  gladius.  O  despicable  glut- 


OF  GLUTTONOUS  FOOLS.  bo 

While  goggle  eyesf  stare  eager  to  begin: 
With  smack  of  lips  the  pil'd  up  ladle  see 
Reeking  with  callipash  and  callipee, 

For  forc'd  meat  balls  they  dash  thro'  thick 
and  thin. 

The  ven'son  next,  then  turkeys,  geese  and  chine, 
Wash'd  down  with  oceans  of  Maderia  wine  ; 


ton,  think  but  on  the  tortures  which  thou  inflictest  on  the 
poor  skate,  ere  it  is  crimped,  to  satiate  thine  appetite,  and 
blush  to  own  thyself  a  human  being. 

f  At  all  periods  has  the  inordinate  gratification  of  this 
sense  been  considered  by  its  votaries.  The  famed  Anacre- 
on,  greedily  indulging  his  appetite,  was  choked  with  a 
grape  stone.  Heliogabalus  delighted  in  feasting  on  the 
tongues  of  nightingales  and  the  brains  of  peacocks;  while 
the  followers  of  Epicurus  ransacked  the  culinary  art,  in 
order  to  invent  dishes  that  were  calculated  to  pamper  this 
bestial  propensity.  Nay,  and  among  the  tribe  of  guttling 
fools  of  more  modern  date  may  rank  Worlidge  the  famous 
engraver  of  gems,  who  was  so  fond  of  good  living  as  to  ex- 
expend  one  guinea  on  a  pint  of  peas,  although  he  had  not  at 
the  time  a  shoe  to  his  foot,  and  was  literally  repairing  to  a 
disciple  of  Crispin's,  in  order  to  procure  a  pair,  when  in 
Covent  Garden  Market,  this  fascinating  object  presented 
itself  to  his  greedy  eyes. 


ob  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Fricandoes,  fricassees,  veal,  mutton,  beef; 
Tarts,  custards,  jellies,  blanc  mange,  and  ice 

creams : 
Such  are  the  joys  ally'd  to  city  dreams ; 

For  gold  they  labour,  guttling'st  their  relief. 

\  Hogarth's  celebrated  print  of  the  election  feast,  affords 
an  inimitable  picture  of  excess  in  gluttony,  displayed  in  the 
representation  of  one  of  the  party  at  the  electioneering 
feast,  who  being  overgorged,  is  just  expiring  of  a  fit  of 
apoplexy,  while  at  the  end  of  the  fork,  still  grasped  in  his 
hand,  appears  an  oyster,  which  had  been  intended  for  the 
next  mouthful.  But  although  many  instances  in  real  life 
have  been  related  of  the  inordinate  love  of  guttling  which 
has  characterised  the  natives  of  this  island,  it  is  never- 
theless conceived,  that  the  reader  must  allow,  from  the  fol- 
lowing statement,  that  the  natives  of  other  countries  may 
out-eat  us.  During  the  last  war,  a  Prussian  soldier  at 
Liverpool  literally  devoured  at  one  meal — a  live  cat — two 
pounds  of  bullock's  liver,  and  two  pounds  of  candles  :  with 
respect  to  rats  and  mice,  they  were  regarded  as  such  choice 
dainties  in  his  estimation,  that  he  would  voraciously  des- 
patch all  that  came  in  his  way,  and  it  is  absolutely  a  fact, 
that  this  ravenous  propensity  created  such  an  acute  feeling, 
that  the  drummer  and  fifer  boys  were  afraid  of  appearing 
before  this  cormorant,  lest  he  should  be  led  to  take  a  fancy 
to  an  arm  or  a  shoulder,  and  suddenly  place  his  grinders  in 
contact  with  human  flesh. 


OF  GLUTTONOUS  FOOLS,  3  7 

To  find  out  drunkards,*  I  need  not  go  far, 
They're  west  as  well  as  east,  of  Temple  Bar; 

For  noble,  seaman,  soldier,  churchman  too, 
The  'squire,  the  peasant,  nay,  the  modest  lambs, 
I  mean  our  ladies — they  with  frequent  drams, 

Will  fuddle  noses  till  they're  red  and  blue. 

*  In  speaking  of  drunkenness,  Arcanum  clemens  detegit 
ebrietas,  it  is  not  only  the  foe  to  decency  and  reason,  but 
when  indulged  in  to  excess,  absolutely  incapacitates  the 
sot  from  the  smallest  corporeal  effort.  As  a  proof  of  this, 
a  fact  is  recorded  of  a  certain  military  commander,  who  in- 
dulged in  copious  libations  at  the  mess  table,  from  which 
all  the  company  had  retired,  excepting  himself  and  one 
bottle  companion,  with  whom  he  chose  to  complete  the  de- 
bauch over  a  large  bowl  of  punch.  This  son  of  Mars  having 
drank  for  a  time  until  he  had  rendered  his  companion  sense- 
less, and  desirous  of  proving  himself  a  superior  votary  to 
the  orgies  of  Bacchus,  grasped  the  vessel,  in  order  to 
empty  its  contents,  when  finding  himself  incapable  of  rais- 
ing it  to  his  lips,  from  the  effects  of  inebriety,  he  bent  his 
mouth  to  the  edge  of  the  bowl,  which  he  tilted,  resting  his 
arms  on  the  table,  and  while  in  this  position,  being  unsteady 
from  the  effect  of  liquor,  he  slipped  forward,  when  his  face 
became  immerged  in  the  intoxicating  draught,  and  in  that 
situation  he  continued  immovable,  and  was  shortly  suffo- 
cated. But  not  to  speak  of  such  deadly  effects,  the  mere 
inebriety  which  constitutes  the  boast  of  mankind  may  al- 

F 


38  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

See  nature's  paragon  bereft  of  sense, 
With  gait  unsteady,  prone  to  impudence, 

And  ev'ry  act  that's  loathsome  in  the  beast ; 
Such  is  our  Bacchus — but  my  picture's  done, 
If  in  the  human  frame  I  view  as  one 

A  drunkard  and  a  glutton  at  a  feast. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

From  all  intemperance  let  man  abstain, 
And  sober  reason  be  his  constant  guide; 

He  ne'er  in  folly's  boat  will  share  the  pain, 
Of  such  as  row  at  once  'gainst  wind  and  tide. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


ways  be  said  to  verify  on  the  ensuing  morning  these  lines 
of  Horace. 


Corpus  onustum 


Hesternis  vitiis  animum  quoque  praegravat  una. 

And  speaking  of  the  capability  of  the  English  in  drinking, 
Shakspeare  thus  expresseth  himself. 

"  I  learned  it  in  England,  where  indeed  they  are  most 


OF  GLUTTONOUS  FOOLS.  39 

potent  in  potting*;  your  Dane,  your  German,  and  your  swag- 
bellied  Hollander,  are  nothing"  to  your  English. 

Is  your  Englishman  so  exquisite  in  his  drinking? 

Why  he  drinks  you  with  facility  your  Dane  dead  drunk; 
he  sweats  not,  to  overthrow  your  Almain;  he  gives  your 
Hollander  a  vomit  ere  the  next  pottle  can  be  filled." 


40 


SECTION  X. 

OF  YOUNG  FOOLS  WHO  MARRY  OLD  ONES 
FOR  LOVE  OF  GOLD. 

Non  id  videndum,  conjugum  lit  bonis  bona  ; 
At  ut  ingenium  congruat  et  mores  moribus  ; 
ProbitaS,  pudorque  virgini  dos  optima  est. 

What  mighty  spell  pervades  thy  breast, 
Canst  thou  caress  and  be  caress'd  ; 

By  one  in  years  grown  old? 
Canst  thou  from  that  pale  shrivel'd  lip, 
The  nectar  strive  of  love*  to  sip ; 

And  all  for  baleful  gold  ? 


*  The  following  lines,  so  applicable  to  the  point  in  ques- 
tion, are  here  introduced,  in  order  to  finish  the  picture  of 
the  poet. 

Or  now  bebold  the  man  by  fortune  cross'd. 
His  vessel  on  the  sea  of  mis'ry  toss'd; 
He  for  a  competence  will  sell  his  youth, 
And  meanly  vow  the  opposite  to  truth; 
Ah,  silly  fbol!  how  soon  the  vision  flies, 
That  lately  dazzled  thy  too  eager  eyes! 


OF  FOOLISH  MARRIAGES.  41 

Canst  thou  invigorate  that  frame, 
Give  age's  ice  youth's  ardent  flame  ; 

Can  blissful  love  be  sold  ? 
Canst  thou  before  the  altar  kneel,* 
And  swear  to  what  thou  ne'er  canst  feel, 

The  wretched  slave  of  gold. 

Bid  waters  freeze  in  summer's  glow, 
Bid  roses  bloom  'mid  Alpine  snow, 
When  northern  blasts  blow  cold ; 

How  loathsome  the  idea — O  Heav'n!  to  feel 
The  skinny  carcase  tow'rd  your  person  steal; 
Seeking"  with  wanton  wish  the  marriage  due, 
Alas!  how  vainly  claiming  it  from  you! 
From  you,  incompetent  and  cold  as  death, 
Repulsive,  loathing,  peevish  in  a  breath; 
Cursing  internally  the  marry'd  state, 
Repentant,  when  repentance  comes  too  late, 

*  However  we  may  laugh,  on  viewing  the  effusions  of  the 
painter,  we  cannot  but  inwardly  moralize  on  contemplating 
that  plate  in  the  series  of  the  Rake's  progress,  which  por- 
trays the  youthful  spendthrift  in  the  act  of  uniting  himself 
with  one  old  enough  to  be  his  grandmother.  Let  any  indivi- 
dual but  observe  therein  the  liquorish  eye  of  squinting  age, 
blinking  towards  the  visage  of  cool  and  passionless  youth* 
and  nothing  more  need  be  alleged  on  the  subject  of  impro- 
per marriages. 

F2 


4.2  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

As  friends  bid  truth  and  falsehood  meet. 
So  shall  thy  vows  enraptur'd  greet, 
Connubial  bliss  for  gold. 

Let  sanction'd  priest  the  rites  begin, 
Let  parents  tolerate  the  sin, 

By  av'rice  thou'rt  inrolPd ; 
Yet  ere  one  month  thou'lt  curse*  thy  vow, 
Thy  parents — and  too  late  allow, 

Thy  mis'ry  's  seal'd  by  gold. 


*  A  very  melancholy  fact  is  related  by  a  French  author, 
which,  although  not  exactly  analogous  to  the  subject  of 
this  section,  is  nevertheless  calculated  to  prove  the  misery 
of  ill  assorted  unions.  The  parents  of  a  very  beautiful  young 
lady,  allured  by  the  fascinations  of  superior  wealth,  be- 
stowed the  hand  of  their  dejected  Mariana  on  a  very  rich, 
but  aged  advocate;  the  unfortunate  sufferer,  who  had  solely 
yielded  her  acquiescence  on  the  score  of  duty,  brooded  but 
for  a  day  on  the  wretchedness  of  her  situation;  for  on  the 
morn  which  succeeded  the  nuptials,  the  melancholy  bride, 
breaking  an  egg,  mingled  with  the  same  a  deadly  poison 
unperceived;  when  leisurely  eating  the  contents,  she  ex- 
claimed, "  My  parents  commanded  the  union,  and  by  my 
obedience  I  have  given  them  proofs  of  my  devotion  to  their 
will;  more  they  cannot  require  of  me,  for  in  obeying,  I  die 
for  them!" 


OF  FOOLISH  MARRIAGES.  4S 

ft 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Nature  this  truth  proclaims  with  clarion  tongue. 

Congenial  years  ne'er  feel  love's  diminution; 
But  when  the  gold  of  age  allures  the  young, 

Such  rite  becomes  a  legal  prostitution. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS., 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis^, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[  44  J 


SECTION  XL 


OF  VENAL  FOOLS. 

Auro  pulsa  fides,  auro  venalia  jura, 
Aurum  lex  sequitur,  mox  sine  lege  pudor. 

Some  fools,  to  pile  up  golden  stores, 
Turn  reputation  out  of  doors ; 
And  for  dame  Fortune,  dote  upon  her 
So  much — as  to  impound  their  honour, 
Selling  for  wealth  what  should  be  giv'n, 
To  pave  their  pathway  straight  to  heav'n. 

Proud  big  wigs,  our  religion's  props, 
Archbishops  holy,  and  bishops : 
Great  statesmen,  when  they  fill  high  places, 
Nay  princes,  and  your  noble  graces, 
Must,  doctors-like,  ensure  their  snacks, 
And  finger*  fees  behind  their  backs, 

*  The  old  story  of  ins  and  outs  is  extremely  applica- 
ble to  the  burden  of  this  section:  the  object  of  the  former 
being-  places,  places,  pensions,  pensions;  while  the  cry  of  the 


OF  VENAL  FOOLS.  4o 

Your  upright  judges;*  office  clerks, t 
Churchwardens,  \  beadles,  all  are  sharks ; 

latter  is  peculation,  and  violation  of  the  rights  of  the  subject; 
yet  let  the  ins  be  out  and  the  outs  be  in,  the  cry  is  then  equally 
reversed :  for,  after  all,  gold  is  the  primum  mobile,  in  the 
attainment  of  which,  imposition  and  the  abuse  of  the  liber- 
ties of  the  people  is  a  trifle,  unworthy  the  consideration  of 
any  statesman;  with  whom,  independence  is  a  bugbear,  and 
honour  the  scarecrow  of  fools. 

*  Yes;  even  the  solemn  dignitaries  of  the  law  are  not 
proof  against  this  golden  talisman;  for  the  judge  would  sit 
mum  chance',  nor  give  animation  to  his  wig,  did  not  the  fees 
of  office  move  the  court  to  hear  the  complaints  of  the  op- 
pressed. 

t  Gentle  reader,  if  it  ever  has  been  thy  unfortunate  lot 
to  be  a  dangler  upon  these  consequential  nuisances,  thou 
must  have  discovered  that  they  are  ten  times  more  insuf- 
ferable than  their  superiors;  a  circumstance  which  is  mor- 
tifying in  a  two-fold  degree,  as  they  do  not  only  lack  the 
consequence  of  office,  but  also  the  refinements  of  educa- 
tion, and  the  suaviter  in  modo,  which  arises  from  an  inter- 
course with  polished  society. 

X  These  petty  parish  kings  have  a  peculiar  itch  for 
plunder,  which  they  gratify  in  the  following  manner:  sup- 
pose, for  instance,  that  a  stonemason  be  the  warden,  you 
will  never  fail  to  see  a  scaffolding  around  the  steeple,  for 
then  the  church  needs  some  essential  repairs;  if  it  be  a 


46  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Your  jailors;  *  nay,  the  hangman  too 
Is  venal,  and  must  have  his  due, 
Since  culprits'  fee  his  purse  must  deck, 
Ere  he'll  pull  legs  to  break  a  neck. 

O  !  were  there  statutes  criminal,  sir, 
Against  the  acts  of  men  venal,  sir, 
With  sterling  truth  my  muse  might  say, 
With  fam'd  Mackheath,  of  witty  Gar/, 
"  'Twou'd  thine  the  land  such  tribes  to  see, 
By  Jack  Ketch  strung  on  Tyburn  tree." 

plumber  who  fills  the  important  office,  the  tiles  or  slating 
are  deemed  improper  guardians  of  the  edifice,  and  lead 
supplies  their  place;  and  should  a  carpenter  rule  the  roast, 
he  proves  himself  a  chip  of  the  old  block,  by  the  erection 
of  new  pews  throughout  the  house  of  prayer. 

Thus  each  obedient  to  his  call, 

The  parish  robs — knaves  all,  knaves  all. 

•  Nothing  is  so  essential,  on  entering  a  prison,  as  the 
garnish  of  Mackheath:  from  the  jailor  to  his  clerks,  from 
the  clerks  to  the  turnkeys,  the  cry  is,  Garnish,  captain, 
garnish!  in  short,  without  it  misfortune  and  virtuous 
poverty  may  perish  on  the  pitiless  stones ;  while  swindlers 
and  depredators,  who  have  subjected  families  to  ruin,  com- 
mand respeet,  and  enjoy  e\evy  luxury » 


OF  VENAL  FOOLS.  47 


J.  ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

Gold,  that  by  any  unjust  means  is  um'd, 
Although  punition's  lash  the  sin  escape, 

Is  but  against  its  foul  possessor  turn'd, 
Debauching  honesty  in  syren's  shape. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[  48  J 


SECTION  XII. 


€>F  FOOLS  WHO  MASQUERADE  AT  MIDNIGHT. 

You  must  forget  to  be  a  woman;  change 
Command  into  obedience ;  fear,  and  niceness, 
(The  handmaids  of  all  women,  or,  more  truly, 
Woman  its  pretty  self,)  to  a  waggish  courage; 
Ready  in  gibes,  quick-answer'd,  saucy,  and 
As  quarrellous  as  the  weazel :  nay,  you  must 
Forget  that  rarest  treasure  of  your  cheek, 
Exposing  it  (but  Oh,  the  harder  heart! 
Alack,  no  remedy)  to  the  greedy  touch 
Of  common  kissing  Titan;  and  forget 
Your  laboursome  and  dainty  trims,  wherein 
You  made  great  jfuno  angry. 


Though  fool  thyself,  thou  canst  not  rest  con- 
tent, 
But,  clad  in  borrow'd   guise,  thou  shows't 
another ; 
And  to  thy  zany's  wit  giv'st  twofold  vent, 
By  aping  apes,  thyself  an  apish  brother. 


OF  MASqUERADING  FOOLS.  49 

To  midnight  revel,*  clad  in  tawdry  guise, 
Thy  cap  and  ladle  thou  art  fond  of  bringing  : 

Purblind  thyself,  thou  think'st  not  other's  eyes 
Thine  antics  view,  as  thou  thy  bells  art  ring- 
ing. 

As  when  the  wanton  oaf,  bereft  of  sense, 
And  void  of  dress,  kept  shamelessly  advanc- 
ing; 

*  There  is  no  amusement  in  this  country  which  has  been 
productive  of  such  ill  effects  as  masquerades,  where  all 
distinction  of  persons  is  at  an  end:  and  where  the  coarse 
ribaldry,  not  to  say  obscenity,  of  the  illiterate,  the  vulgar, 
and  the  abandoned,  is  incessantly  heard,  calling  forth  the 
blush  from  delicacy  and  feeling.  It  is  at  this  scene  of  dis- 
gusting folly,  that  the  insidious  seducer  has  so  frequently 
put  into  practice  his  infamous  purposes  against  unsuspect- 
ing innocence,  or  destroyed  the  peace  of  an  affectionate 
husband,  by  effecting  his  guilty  purposes  with  the  mother 
of  a  family ;  and  it  is  during  the  riot  and  confusion  attendant 
on  this  species  of  amusement,  as  it  is  termed,  that  the 
fortune  hunter  has  carried  off  in  triumph  the  giddy  school 
girl  who  little  dreamt  that  her  money  was  his  sole  object; 
and  that  she  was  soon  to  end  the  wished-for  career  of  ma- 
trimony with  a  broken  heart.  In  short,  masquerades  in  Eng. 
land  are  of  so  despicable  a  cast,  that  no  woman  who  is  de- 

G 


50 

Nor  thought  that  others  mark'd  his  impudence, 
Sinc^  'neath  a  net  the  naked  fool  was  dancing. 

Or,  as  the  story  goes,  yclep'd  We  Three, 

'Neath  brace  of  loggerheads  on  sign  appear- 
ing: 
Thou  gaping  read'st  then  cry'st,    "  But  two  I 
see;" 
Thyself  the  third  art — at  thyself  thus  jeering. 

Disdaining  rest,  soft  balm  of  human  life, 
The  jocund  morn  peeps  in  upon  thy  folly  ; 

Views  thee  oppress'd  with  drunkards'*  dreams 
of  strife  ; 
And  sees  thee  rise  at  eve  quite  melancholy. 

sirous  of  being  regarded  as  modest,  should  frequent  a  scene 
that  can  only' disgust  the  eye  and  offend  the  ear. 

*  Inebriety  is  not  merely  observable  in  the  male  part  of 
creation,  but  even  females  too  shamelessly  indulge  at  mas- 
querades in  this  abominable  vice :  for  the  writer  has  to  no- 
tice with  pain,  that  instances  have  frequently  occurred  with- 
in his  knowledge  of  women,  who,  in  that  degrading  state, 
have  been  guilty  of  the  most  beastial  conduct;  and  has  literally 
observed  that  two  thirds  of  the  females  present,  whether 
pure  or  impure,  have,  by  their  conduct,  sufficiently  indicated 
the  deranged  state  of  their  intellects  ;  and  on  these  accounts 


OF  MASQUERADING  FOOLS.  51 


L  ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

If  mask'd,   thou  need'st    must  be  my  counsel, 
hear ; 

Thy  brother's  antics  henceforth  leave  alone ; 
'Neath  Wisdom* s  Visor  hide  thine  ass's  ear ; 

Then  cast  at  other  fools  the  chiding  stone. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

it  has  been  very  justly  remarked  by  foreigners,  that  mas- 
querades in  England  "  begin  stupidly,  proceed  riotously, 
and  terminate  drunkenly."  In  France,  Italy,  &c.  this  amuse- 
ment is  managed  otherwise:  no  inebriety  disgraces  either 
sex ;  and  instead  of  men  placing  dependence  on  dress  alone 
for  the  support  of  a  character,  which  is  uniformly  the  case 
in  this  country,  you  never  find  a  foreigner  who  is  not  in  a 
great  measure  calculated  to  sustain,  with  wit  and  humour, 
the  part  which  he  has  undertaken  to  personate. 


L     -2     ] 


SECTION  XIII. 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  SEEK  FORTUNE  AT  GAMES 
OF  CHANCE,  &C. 

Tantum  se  fortune  permittunt,  etiam  ut  naturam  de- 
discant. 

Behold  the  eager  fools  at  play  ; 

Each  thinks  his  fortune  to  enhance : 
As  if  the  road  that  led  that  way, 

Concentrated  in  games  of  chance. 

Now  roll  the  dice :  my  Lord  has  won 
The  lands  and  beeves  of  poor  Sir  John. 

My  Lord  in  turn,  next  night's  undone  ; 
His  winnings  and  estate  both  gone.* 

*  Gambling  is  one  of  the  most  diabolical  fascinations  that " 
can  take  possession  of  the  human  mind ;  and  it  is  on  this 
account  that  Erasmus,  in  his  Praise  of  Folly,  makes  his 
heroine  disclaim  all  connexion  with  so  destructive  a  pastime. 
The  gamester  has  no  respect  for  any  of  those  ties  which 
link  the  generality  of  mankind  together;  and  he  will  as 


QF  GAMBLING  FOOLS.  53 

Eager  to  gain,  the  fool  sits  down  ; 

Heedless  of  caution  or  advice, 
He's  ruin'd ;  not  from  fortune's  frown, 

But  black-legs,  arm'd  with  cogged  dice.* 

calmly  pocket  the  last  guinea  of  an  old  friend,  as  that  of 
the  most  perfect  stranger.  An  instance  of  this  kind  occurred 
at  a  subscription  house  not  far  from  St.  James's,  where  a 
Right  Honourable,  after  winning  the  fortune  of  his  friend, 
literally  played  for  his  house  and  furniture,  together  with 
the  carriage  and  horses,  then  standing  at  the  door ;  which 
fortune  also  placed  in  his  power,  when  he  very  liberally 
permitted  the  loser  to  continue  one  week  in  his  mansion, 
and  return  home  from  the  gambling  house  in  the  carriage 
he  had  lost ;  but,  it  must  be  remembered,  for  the  last  time- 

*  The  instability  of  fortune  is  not  the  only  circumstance 
to  be  dreaded  at  the  gambling  table,  where  every  species 
of  fraud  is  practised  by  many  of  its  votaries,  whose  preme- 
ditated dishonesty  bids  defiance  to  good  fortune  as  well 
us  skill.  It  would  however  be  the  height  of  injustice  to  ac- 
cuse only  the  great  as  being  prone  to  shake  the  elbows 
this  fascination  pervades  alike  every  rank  of  society;  and 
even  boors  at  a  country  wake  or  fare,  must  have  their  E  O 
table,  where,  instead  of  thousands,  pennies  are  staked  and 
played  for  with  equal  avidity;  which  brings  to  recollection 
the  old  French  proverb:  "  Le  jeu  est  le  Ills  d' avarice  et  le 
pere  du  desespoir" 

G2 


54  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Or  on  the  turf  let  jockeysf  try, 

And  on  the  racer's  power  presume : 

They  too  are  ruin'd — And  for  why  ? 
They  risk  their  fortunes  with  a  groom. 

If  to  the  Stock  Exchange!  you  speed, 
To  try  with  bulls  and  bears  your  luck, 

'Tis  odds,  you  soon  from  gold  are  freed, 
And  waddle  forth  a  limping  duck. 

f  The  turf  is,  of  all  species  of  gambling,  that  which 
capacitates  its  votaries  the  most  to  pursue  unjustifiable 
means  for  the  attainment  of  gold;  so  many  instances  of 
which  have  been  recorded,  that  it  would  be  needless  to 
descant  further  upon  the  topic.  I  should,  however,  be  guilty 
of  a  most  flagrant  error,  were  I  not  to  remark  that,  when  a 
gentleman  degrades  himself  by  turning  jockey,  I  conceive 
that  he  is  of  a  bastard  breed;  and  in  despite  of  his  estate 
and  rank,  merely  descends  to  that  natural  standard,  from 
which  a  variety  of  circumstances  had  raised  him,  only  to 
render  his  real  insignificance  and  folly  the  more  eminently 
conspicuous. 

f  These  are  your  city  gamesters,  who  equally  have  re- 
course to  fraudulent  methods  in  order  to  amass  wealth;  for 
who  but  remembers  the  expedients  resorted  to  during  the 
last  war,  when  even  placards  were  stuck  up  at  the  Mansion 
House  !  so  completely  was  the  hook  swallowed  by  the  Stock 


OF  GAMBLING  FOOLS.  55 

By  av'ricef  led,  when  fortune  smiles, 
And  answers  all  the  gambler's  ends ; 

He  still  must  own  his  golden  piles 
Were  gain'd  by  ruin  of  his  friends. 

Exchange  gudgeons!  In  short,  gambling  is  at  best  but  an 
avaricious  propensity.  A  gli  avari  sempre  osce  una  goccia 
di  sangue  avanti  che  diano  un  quatrino  per  amor  di  Dioj 
and  as  it  affixes  no  bounds  to  its  desires,  it  is  equally 
unrestrained  by  any  principle  of  honour  or  of  justice:  there* 
fore,  when  a  man  stakes  his  wealth,  jacta  estalea,  and  he 
must  abide  the  hazard  of  the  adventurous  enterprize,  if  not 
seconded  by  chicane  and  villany,  which  is  generally  resort- 
ed to  by  such  as  have  been  subjected  to  bad  luck,  and 
conceive  it  a  just  retort  for  the  deprivations  thus  experien- 
ced at  the  shrine  of  fortune. 

f  Avarice  being  the  incentive  to  gaming,  a  gambler 
necessarily  carries  with  him,  not  only  his  own  bane  but 
that  of  others;  for  we  may  say  with  Juvenal: 

Dives  fieri  qui  vult, 

Et  cito  vult  fieri 
is  never  deterred  from  the  gratification  of  his  insatiable 
pursuit,  either  by  moral  or  religious  obligations;  conse- 
quently it  not  only  warps  the  mental,  but  imperceptibly 
destroys  the  animal  being;  for  he  who  lives  alife  of  incessant 
anxiety,  exists  for  the  purpose  alone  which  excites  it,  be  it 
good  or  evil;  therefore  shun,  as  one  of  the  most  deadly 
poisons,  this  improper  thirst  for  riches;  and  although  allu- 


56  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 


L  ENVOY    OF    THE    POET. 

To  value  gold,  its  worth  should  first  be  known : 
5Tis  industry  gives  little,  all  its  zest. 

And  he  whose  labour  makes  his  bread  his  own, 
May  rank  on  earth  as  most  supremely  blest. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

red  by  the  good  luck  of  others,  always  remember  that 
there  is  a  loser  as  well  as  a  winner,  and  that  the  odds  are 
against  you:  so  may  you  exclaim  with  Virgil: 

Mene  salis  placidi  vultum,  fluctusque  quietos 
Zgnorare  jubes?  mene  huic  confidere  monstro? 


[     57     ] 


SECTION  XIV. 

«F    FOOLISH    PRIESTS    AND    BABBLING    PARSONS 
IN    THE    CHOIR. 

I  veri  predicatori  danno  frutti,  e  non  fiori. 

To  wear  the  sable  garb  of  sanctity, 
And  be  the  slave  of  mundane  vanity,* 
Displeaseth  most  my  thought : 

*  There  is  no  rule  without  an  exception;  an  instance 
of  which  will  be  found  in  the  following  anecdote,  redoun- 
ding highly  to  the  credit  of  the  testator;  who  thereby  evin- 
ced a  just  sentiment  of  love  for  decency,  and  contempt  for 
the  prevalent  follies  of  the  age. 

A  worthy  clergyman,  in  Yorkshire,  lately  deceased, 
bequeathed  in  his  will  a  considerable  property  to  his  only 
daughter,  on  the  subsequent  conditions:  First,  That  she 
did  not  enter  into  the  state  of  matrimony  without  the  con- 
sent of  his  two  executors,  or  their  representatives.  Second- 
ly, That  she  dressed  with  greater  decency  than  she  had 
hitherto  been  accustomed  to  do.  The  testators  words  were: 

"  But  as  my  daughter  Ann hath  not  attended  to 

my  admonitions,  respecting  the  filthy  and  lewd  custom  of 
dressing  with  naked  elbows,  my  will  is,  that  in  case  she 


58  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Yet  fools  there  are  that  boast  religion's  guise, 
Whose  conduct  slurs  their  functions  in  men's 
eyes, 
Who  think  the  calling  naught.* 

persists  in  so  gross  a  violation  of  female  decency,  the  whole 
cf  the  property  devised  by  me  as  aforesaid,  and  intended 
as  a  provision  for  her  future  life,  shall  go  to  the  eldest  son 

of  my  sister  Caroline and  his  heirs  lawfully  begotten. 

To  those  who  may  say  this  restriction  is  severe,  I  answer, 
that  an  indecent  display  of  personal  habiliments  in  women, 
is  a  certain  indication  of  intellectual  depravity." 

*  As  a  specimen  of  that  indefatigable  zeal  which  should 
characterise  the  clerical  robe,  the  following  extract  from 
the  Harleian  MSS.  No.  6824,  fob  190,  is  offered,  by  way  of 
lesson,  to  all  idle  fools  of  this  class. 

Saturday,  June  24,  1724,  I  was  at  the  funeral  of  the 
Rev.  Mr.  Foard,  curate  of  Marybone.  The  Rev.  Mr.  Thos. 
Riddle,  who  was  curate  of  St.  Giles  in  the  Fields,  and  since 
lecturer,  gave  the  following  account,  that  on  one  certain 
Sunday  he   [Mr.  Riddle]  performed  the  following  duties: 

In  the  morning,  married  six  couple;  then  read  the  whole 
prayers,  and  preached;  after  that  churched  six  women. 

In  the  afternoon,  read  prayers  and  preached;  christen- 
ed 32  children;  six  at  home,  the  rest  at  the  font;  buried  13 


OF  FOOLISH  PRIESTS.  59 

In  vain  these  idiot  priests  this  theme  pursue, 
"  Do  as  I  say,  *  but  act  not  as  I  do ;" 
As  if  the  quirk  would  tell : 


corpses,  and  read  the  distinct  service  over  each  of  them 
separately,  and  this  done  by  nine  at  night. 

It  was  then  mentioned  by  another  clergyman,  that  he  had 
a  paper  given  him  to  pray  for  the  accomplishment  qf  a  young 
soman's  desires* 

II  buon  religioso  non  sa  stare  ozioso. 

*  This  trite  adage  cannot  be  better  applied  than  in 
speaking  of  the  clergy,  who  at  all  periods,  and  in  all  coun- 
tries, have  proved  themselves  deficient  in  establishing 
their  precepts  by  example.  From  hence  has  originated  all 
those  divisions  in  religious  opinions,  which  are  no  where  so 
prevalent  as  in  England,  where  sectaries  may  be  called 
the  whippers-in  of  faith:  nor  can  we  close  this  note  with- 
out a  quotation  from  Butler,  who,  treating  on  this  head, 
exclaims, 

Where  ev'ry  village  is  a  seey 

As  well  as  Rome,  and  must  maintain 

A  tithe  pig  metropolitan: 

Where  ev'ry  presbyter  and  deacon 

Commands  the  keys  of  cheese  and  bacon; 

And  ev'ry  hamlet's  governed 

By  's  holiness,  the  church's  head, 

More  haughty  and  severe  in  }s  place 

Thau  Gregory  and  Boniface. 


60  THE  SHIP  FOOLS. 

"  Why  acts  thou  thus?"  demands  the  untaught 

hind, 
"  If  with  thy  wisdom  thou  dost  so  ;  I  find 
"  'Twill  serve  my  turn  as  well." 

All  eyes,  'tis  said,  are  fix'd  on  Cato's  son. 
If  Cato's  son's  a  fool,  'tis  ten  to  one, 

The  multitude  reveres : 
For  why  ?  The  fool  to  his  desires  *  gives  scope  : 
Then,  if  the  pastor  strays,  farewel  all  hope  ; 

His  flock  the  same  course  steers. 

Show  me  a  drunkard  more  adept  than  priest ; 
Show  me  a  cormorant  more  staunch  at  feast ; 


*  For  a  very  biting  and  just  satire  on  every  class  of 
ecclesiastical  fools  connected  with  the  Catholic  church,  the 
reader  may  refer  to  Erasmus  on  Folly,  who,  in  the  same 
work,  is  not  merely  free  in  the  delivery  of  his  sterling  opi- 
nions respecting  many  dogmas  of  that  religion,  but  even 
proceeds  to  such  lengths,  that,  considering  the  era  in  which 
he  flourished,  it  is  a  little  astonishing  that  the  hatred  of 
the  clergy,  which  was  of  course  manifested  towards  him, 
should  not  have  led  them  to  pursue  the  most  effectual  me- 
thod of  silencing  so  potent  an  adversary. 


OF  FOOLISH  PRIESTS.  61 

With  pride  to  keep  the  farce  on.f 
Show  me  hypocrisy  that's  more  demure ; 
Show  me,  who  can,  less  feeling  to  the  poor, 

Than's  to  be  found  in  parson. 

Instead  of  clemency — he's  unforgiving ; 
Instead  of  meekness,  his  pursuit's  a  living  ;  \ 
For  which  through  thick  and  thin : 


f  The  pride  of  priestcraft  hath  ever  been  proverbial; 
in  contradiction  to  that  irresistible  humility,  which  cha- 
racterized the  proceeding's  of  the  Divine  Author  of  Chris- 
tianity; and  the  Ego  et  rex  meus  of  AVolsey  is  applicable 
to  every  wearer  of  little  buckles,  canon  curls,  with  the 
skimming  dish  hat,  and  dapper  rose,  which  constitutes  its 
prim  ornament. 

$  Let  but  the  lawn  sleeves  appear  in  vista,  and  who 
ever  heard  a  churchman  exclaim  nolo  episcopari?  On  the 
contrary,  it  is  then  we  view  the  priest  in  his  real  colours: 
no  sycophancy  is  too  degrading,  no  flattery,  though  at  the 
expense  of  truth,  is  too  fulsome:  but  when  the  object  of 
his  ambition  is  attained,  his  low-born  pride  looks  with  con- 
tempt on  all,  from  the  pinnacle,  to  whose  summit  he  hath 
climbed,  and  rules  with  the  rod  of  tyranny  the  miserable 
dependents  on  his  haughty  caprice.  A  truly  noble  spirit 
never  plays  the  tyrant:  it  is  only  the  base-born  churl,  like 
Thomas  a  Becket,  that  would  outfrown  the  brow  of  majesty; 

H 


62  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

For  quick  preferment  he  will  pander  prove; 
And  to  ensure  his  graceless  patron's  love, 
Excuse  and  share  his  sin. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
The  worthy  man  may  teach  religion's  laws; 
'     His  practice*  gives  his  precept  tenfold  fame. 
He  stands  the  champion  of  the  sacred  cause; 
And  by  his  deeds  endears  religion's  name. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

and  towering"  priests  alone  aspire  to  scourge  the  back  of 
sovereignty.  In  addition  to  the  arrogance  of  papal  dignity, 
which  formerly  compelled  sovereigns  to  kiss  a  dirty  old 
velvet  slipper;  and  even  went  so  far  as  to  make  the  backs 
of  emperors  mere  footstools,  in  order  to  help  these  vice- 
gerents on  their  palfrey's  backs,  it  should  not  be  forgotten 
that  we  are  indebted  to  a  monk  for  the  invention  of  gun- 
powder; while  Galau,  bishop  of  Minister,  was  the  first  who 
found  out  that  destructive  engine  of  war,  a  bomb. 

*  Buon  prelato  buon  'esempio. 


L   6S   3 


SECTION  XV, 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  PRACTISE  VILENESS  OF 
MANNERS  AT  TABLE. 

Noscitur  a  socio. 

O !  Vou'd  that  I,  the  lance  could  wield, 
Of  graceful,  polish'd  Chesterfield  !* 

My  muse  might  then  be  able 
To  lash  the  filthy,  slothful  vice, 
Of  such  as  are  not  over  nice, 

When  seated  at  the  table. 

*  It  is  impossible  to  pass  over  this  section  of  the  Poet, 
without  expressing"  a  sentiment  of  commiseration  for  the 
feeling's  of  the  nobleman  above  mentioned,  when  we  call  to 
mind  the  emotion  of  horror  that  must  have  pervaded  his 
breast,  on  witnessing  the  conduct  of  his  son  at  table,  who 
after  all  the  refined  instructions  which  he  had  received, 
was  so  absolutely  destitute  of  delicacy,  as  to  lick  up  the 
juice  of  a  current  tart  from  his  plate,  in  the  presence  of 
his  Lordship  and  a  large  party  ;  on  which  occasion,  his 
mortified  parent  ordered  the  valet  into  the   chamber,  in 


64  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

From  neighbour's  glass,  with  reeking  lip, 
His  draught  of  table  beer  to  sip, 

With  teeth  a  huge  bone  gnawing  ; 
With  mouth  by  gravy  quite  defac'd, 
With  elbows  on  the  table  plac'd, 

Or  other's  napkin  pawing. 

The  plate  with  vary'd  meats  high  piPd, 
The  frill  and  neckloth  both  defil'd, 

While  meat  'twixt  teeth  fast  sticking, 
Since  you  the  cleanly  quill  disdain, 
Forth  form  its  bony  prison's  ta'en, 

With  fork  your  grinders  picking. 

order  to  shave  his  son,  whose  physiognomy  looked  as  if  it 
had  been  lathered  with  pink  instead  of  white  suds.  Carv- 
ing with  your  own  knife  and  fork ;  helping  to  sauce  w7ith 
your  own  spoon,  licking  your  fingers,  and  expressing  by 
the  greedy  look  of  the  eyes,  the  ravenous  propensity  of  the 
stomach,  may  be  ranked  among  those  actions  which  dis- 
grace the  table,  and  it  has  even  come  within  the  knowledge 
of  the  writer,  to  observe  a  person  at  his  own  house  lengthen 
out  the  grace  before  meat,  in  order  to  fix  upon  the  parti- 
cular part  of  the  viand  most  acceptable  to  his  palate,  which 
he  has  instantly  notified  to  the  company  on  concluding  his 
benediction  in  order  to  prevent  any  other  person  present  from 
bearing  off  the  darling  prize. 


OF  UNMANNERLY  FOOLS. 

Or  when  you  eat,  o'er  plate  to  stoop, 
And  swallow  spoon  as  well  as  soup, 

Or  if  on  table  fish  is  ; 
Since  you  for  others  scorn  to  care, 
Take  all  the  shrimp  sauce  to  your  share; 

And  after  lick  the  dishes. 

If  round  the  board  fair  dames  you  view, 
On  dish  of  fowls,  if  there  are  two, 

Four  wings  mongst  eight  to  deal  oui, 
Seize  on  the  finest  for  your  own, 
And  ere  you've  one  half  pick'd  the  bone, 

A  second  nimbly  steal  out. 

If  civil  you  wou'd  hand  a  plate, 

Your  elbow  thrust  'gainst  neighbour's  pate. 

And  then,  to  rnend  the  matter  ; 
When  turning  quick,  O  !  dire  mishap  1 
O'ersetthe  wine  glass;  and  in's  lap, 

The  plate's  contents  bespatter. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Shun  ev'ry  act  which  decency  disdains, 
For  he  whose  object  is  a  polished  mind, 

H2 


&6  THE  SJIIP  OF  FOOLS. 

If  heedless  of  this  caution,  ne'er  attains, 
The  manners  delicate,  and  soul  refin'd, 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis^ 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[     67    ] 


SECTION  XVI. 


OF  AVARICIOUS  FOOLS. 

Tarn  deest  avaro  quod  habet,  quam  quod  non  habet 

Who  is't  that  hugs  his  mental  bane  ? 

5Tis  avarice.*  believe  me ; 
Whose  pleasure  is  his  constant  pain, 

Thus  may  the  mind  deceive  thee. 


*  The  following  lines  from  Gay's  fable  of  the  Miser  and 
Plutus  are  well  calculated  to  depict  the  baneful  effects  of 
gold. 

Gold  banish'd  honour  from  the  mind,] 
And  only  left  the  name  behind, 
Gold  sow'd  the  world  with  ev'ry  ill; 
Gold  taught  the  murd'rer's  sword  to  kill. 
Thus  when  the  villain  crams  his  chest, 
Gold  is  the  canker  of  the  breast; 
*Tis  avarice,  insolence  and  pride, 
And  ev'ry  shocking  vice  beside. 

Or  we  may  exclaim  with  Virgil, 

Quid  non  mortalia  pectora  cogis, 

Auri  sacra  fames. 


68  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

With  doting  eyes  he  counts  his  store , 
But  ah!  his  mind's  not  cheerful ! 

Now  coveting  one  hundred  more, 
Of  theft  for  ever  fearful. t 

What  others  give,  what  others  spend, 

What  others  too  are  hoarding, 
Alike  he  covets  to  his  end, 

No  joys  his  life  affording. 

He  never  feels  that  heavenly  thrill, 

From  charity  soft  flowing ; 
To  mercy  deaf,  his  selfish  will, 

On  self  alone  bestowing. 

7  It  is  the  extraordinary  feature  of  avarice,  to  toil  inces- 
santly for  the  attainment  of  that,  which,  when  procured, 
never  affords  it  the  smallest  gratification,  for  we  may  say 
with  Horace; 

Qiuerit  et  inventis  miser  abstinet,  ac  timet  uti. 
and  in  like  manner  is  avarice  incessantly  punished  for  the 
ills  which  it  inflicts  on  others,  for  "  In  nullum  avarus  bonus 
est,  in  se  pessimus."  In  Dodsley's  collection  is  a  beautiful 
Fable  of  the  Sparrow  and  the  Diamond,  well  calculated  to 
display  the  extent  of  this  vice;  and  the  moral  of  which  is 
admirably  adapted  to  the  subject  of  the  present  Section. 


OF  AVARICIOUS  FOOLS.  £9 

For  gold  he  lives— -for  gold  be  sighs, 

Yet,  if  disease  assail  him  ; 
The  wretch  for  want  of  comfort  dies.* 

Fearful  his  gold  should  fail  him. 

In  life  no  friend,  in  death  no  tear, 
Save  that  which  flows  from  pleasure, 

Is  shed  upon  the  miser's  bier, 
By  those  who  share  his  treasure. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet- 

Gold  is  by  Avarice  misunderstood, 
In  circulation  all  it's  value's  found  ; 

When  kept  'tis  dross,  productive  of  no  good, 
And,  for  man's  peace,  far  better  under  ground, 

THE    POET'S    CHORUS    TO    FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis^ 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

*  Abbraccia  tal  volta  La  fortuna  coloro,  che  vuol  poi 
aflTegare. 


[  ro  J 


SECTION  XVII. 

OF  THE  VICE  OF  SLOTH  IN  FOOLS. 

Go  to  the  Ant,  thou  sluggard;  consider  her  ways  and 
be  wise.  Solomon. 

0  I  ne'er  was  loth, 

To  lash  vile  sloth, 
Of  industry  the  bane;* 
In  filthy  pride, 
To  din  allied, 
And  all  its  loathsome  train. 

To  stew  in  bed, 
With  matted  head, 

*  That  being  who  suffers  his  mind  to  remain  inert,  wil- 
lingly unbars  the  portal  for  the  admission  of  every  de- 
grading vice,  which  imperceptibly  usurps  emporium  over 
the  reason,  and  thus  subjects  man  to  the  most  degrading 
state  of  vassalage:  like  a  lulling  opiate  it  steals  over  the 
senses,  and  while  it  seems  to  sooth  carries  with  it  the  seeds 
of  destruction.  Therefore  was  it  most  emphatically  said  by 
the  satirist: 

Vitanda  est  improba  Syren — Desidia. 


OF  THE  VICE  OF  SLOTH  IN  FOOLS.  71 

Of  morning;  breeze  afraid  ; 

With  linen  vile, 

Still  more  defile, 
The  skin  in  filth  array 'd. 

I  dare  maintain, 

That  equal  pain, 
From  water  such  endure  ; 

As  when  disease 

Canine  doth  seize 
The  hound — which  knows  no  cure. 

Each  eve  Sloth  cries, 

Next  morn  I'll  rise,  # 

My  business  to  pursue  :- 

Yet  still  in  sleep, 

The  mornings  creep, 
Its  business  left  to  do.  t 

Such  is  the  fate, 
Each  morn  too  late, 
For  sloth  must  still  betray  ; 

Levati  per  tempo  e  vedrai,  travaglia  et  haverai. 


72  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

And  months  pass  o'er, 
As  months  before, 
Which  slid  in  sloth  away.f 

These  ills  combin'd, 

Defile  the  mind, 
That  yields  its  proud  control ; 

And  filthy  vice, 

Doth  oft  entice, 
To  sins  that  damn  the  soul. 


f  Ross  the  player,  was  a  striking  instance  of  the  powt? 
fill  fascinations  of  sloth ;  for  although  the  most  flattering 
offers  were  made  him  by  different  managers,  at  various  pe- 
riods, he  was  so  far  the  slave  of  idleness,  as  rather  to  remain 
in  obscurity  at  some  low  public  house,  while  a  shilling  was 
left,  than  embrace  the  proffered  good  which  presented  it- 
self; and  it  is  recorded  of  him,  that  he  would  frequently  or- 
der a  chaise  in  the  morning,  which  he  would  suffer  to  remain 
in  expectation  of  his  coming,  until  the  lapse  of  time  made 
him  postpone  his  departure  until  after  dinner,  and  so  on  to 
tea,  then  to  supper,  when  the  carriage  would  be  reordered 
for  the  ensuing  day;  which  only  proved  the  rehearsal  of  the 
former.  Sloth  my  very  justly  be  termed  the  enemy  of  virtue, 
and  the  foe  to  science,  and  it  is  an  old  saying,  that  he  who 
does  nothing,  js  most  likely  hatching  mischief;  on  which 
account  we  will  conclude  with  Seneca's  words: 
Vitia  otii  negotio  discutienda  sunt. 


OF  THE  VICE  OF   SLOTH  IN  FOOLS.  73 

l'envoy  OF   THE  POET. 

If  seeds  of  sloth  in  youthful  breasts  e'er  lurk. 
Pluck  forth  the  noxious  weed;  this  adage  tell; 

The  quick  at  meat,  are  ever  quick  at  work, 
With  such  thro'  life  health,  ease  and  riches 
dwell.  .       # 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


74 


SECTION  XVIII. 


OF  FOOLISH  FLATTERERS  AND  GLOSSERS. 

The  lip  of  truth  shall  be  established  for  ever,  but  a  lying 
tongue  is  but  for  a  moment.  Solomon. 

These  are  the  fools*  that  know  not  why, 
Yet  always  must  be  civil ;  t 
Who  spite  of  common  sense,  will  lie, 
And  shame  the  very  devil. 

*  Flatterers  are  the  Will  d*the  wisps  of  fools,  who  mean 
nothing,  yet  lead  them  into  the  mire;  and  so  prevalent  is 
now  become  this  bifronted  vice,  that 

Vitium  fuit,  nunc  mos  est,  adsentatio. 

f  The  well  known  Jemmy  B 1,  the  Biographer  of 

the  famous  Dr.  Johnson,  who  might  well  be  termed  his 
toad  eater  or  flatterer,  used  to  narrate  the  following  anecdote 
of  the  Lexicographer. 

Upon  the  publication  of  one  of  the  Doctor's  literary  per- 
formances, Jemmy  B 1,  on  the  first  of  the  ensuing 

month,  repaired,  according  to  custom,  to  the  lodgings  of 
his  idol  with  the  several  Magazines  of  the  day,  in  order  to 


OF  FOOLISH  FLATTERERS.  (0 

You  look  divinely,  *  Hal  will  swear, 

Although  to  him  disgusting ; 
And  Rose  loves  Ned,  beyond  compare, 

Though  Rose  for  Will  is  thirsting. 

read  the  sctrictures  which  were  given  on  his  performance. 
After  perusing  two  or  three  criticisms,  which  were  not  of 
the  most  civil  kind,  the  petulance  of  the  Doctor  got  the 
better  of  his  good  sense,  and  he  exclaimed  peevishly, — 
u  Enough,  enough,  sir,  now  you  have  taken  infinite  pains 
to  bring  an  account  of  what  is  thought  of  me  individually; 
give  me  leave  to  ask  what  you  imagine  the  world  says  of 
you  and  me  conjointly."  "  Upon  my  word  Dr.  I  cannot 
pretend  to  say,"  answered  Jemmy.  "  Why  then  I'll  tell  you," 
continued  the  Dr.  "  They  say  that  I  am  a  mad  dog,  sir, 
and  that  you  are  the  tin  cannister  tied  to  my  tail." 

In  the  publication  of  the  Dr's.  Tour  to  the  Hebrides, 
written  by  the  same  gentleman,  there  is  an  account  of 
the  inhabitants  of  villages  flocking  out  to  see  the  great  li- 
terary phenomenon,  which  is  alleged  as  a  proof  of  the  ve- 
neration in  which  the  Dr.  was  held  by  all  ranks  of  society. 
In  a  copy  of  that  Tour,  which  once  fell  into  the  hands  of 
the  annotator,  some  sarcastic  reader  had  annexed,  in  the 
margin,  the  following  couplet,  by  no  means  inapplicable  to 
the  parties: 

How  ev'ry  clown  must  gape  and  stare, 
To  see  a  a  Monkey  lead  a  Bear! 

*  Nothing  can  possibly  be  so  degrading  to  the  mind  of 


T6  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Than  Lady  Bab,  without  a  joke, 

None  plays  whist  so  correctly  ; 
No  matter  though  she  may  revoke, 

She  finds  it  out  directly.* 

O  how  enchanting  Laura  plays, 

How  syren  like  her  singing ; 
Though  time  and  concord  dance  the  hays, 

And  squalling  discord's  ringing. 

feeling,  as  the  incessant  duplicity  which  characterizes  the 
chit-chat  of  fashionable  societies;  for  it  is  not  merely  suf- 
ficient to  know,  that  the  falsehood  can  be  productive  of  no 
harm  to  others,  (even  should  such  be  the  case),  for  he  who 
does  not  scruple  to  debase  himself,  will  not  long  refrain 
from  injuring  others. 

Lasino  si  conosce  dall'  orecchie,  e  il  matto  dal  troppo 
parlare. 

*  It  is  most  provokingly  fulsome,  to  hear  women,  only 
because  they  are  such,  receive  the  adulation  of  a  coxcomb, 
although  the  conviction  of  his  palpable  flattery  stares  her 
in  the  face.  But,  if  the  female  who  tolerates  his  prattle, 
were  other  than  his  companion  in  folly,  she  would  be  led 
to  resent  rather  than  feel  gratified  at  the  falsehood,  for 
Pope  has  truly  said, 

Praise  undeserv'd  is  satire  in  disguise. 


OF  FOOLISH  FLATTERERS.  <7 

A  place  ?  'tis  yours,  exclaims  Lord  D — 

His  promise  merely  rotten  ; 
Command  my  interest,  swears  M.  P. — 

Soon  said— *as  soon  forgotten.* 

The  friend,  the  foe  ;  the  love  the  hate : 

The  word  of  God  from  sinner, 
Who  loud  extols  a  future  state, 

Yet  better  loves  his  dinner.f 

*  These  are  the  species  of  deceivers,  of  whom  it  may  be 
said  with  truth,  "  Pessimum  genus  inimicorumlaudantes  ;" 
for  they  not  only  promise  without  the  least  intention  of  per- 
forming, but  by  fallaciously  flattering  the  hopes  of  the 
petitioner,  make  him  neglect  pursuits  which  would  enable 
him  to  live  with  credit,  and  not  reduce  him  to  the  state  of 
a  slave  and  pander,  while  loss  of  precious  time  too  fre- 
quently brings  on  beggary,  and  the  loathsome  confines  of  a 
gaol. 

■f  How  often  does  the  sanctified  flatterer  practise  on  the 
minds  of  bigots,  and  at  the  very  moment  when  his  pane- 
gyrics are  passed  on  holy  writ,  his  thoughts  are  perhaps 
down  in  the  kitchen,  where  from  the  savory  eflluvia  which 
catches  his  nose,  he  learns  that  a  goose  will  that  day  be 
his  fare.  These  are  a  class  of  glossers  who  add  profaneness 
to  hypocrisy,  using  the  sacred  name  of  Omnipotence  to 
pamper  their  appetites  and  fill  their  purses. 
Adulandi  gens  prudentissima  laudat, 
Sermonem  indocti,  faciem  deformis  amici. 

12 


78  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Bifronted  fool,  if  such  thy  store, 

I  grant  thee  wondrous  cunning; 
A  salve  thou  hast  for  ev'ry  sore, 

Then  stop  thy  tongue  from  running. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
As  basest  coin  will  frequently  deceive, 

The  flatt'rer  equally  may  current  pass ; 
For  vanity  prompts  idiots  to  believe, 

Who  fool'd  are  by  their  kindred  friend,  an  ass. 

the  poet's  chorus  to  fools. 
Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


I     ™     1 


SECTION  XIX. 


OF  THE  VANITY  OF  FOOLS. 


■  It  is  a  tale 


Told  by  an  idiot,  rail  of  sound  and  fury, 
Signifying  nothing. 

That  idiot  never  will  his  sense  regain, 
Who  in  the  vortex  of  his  course  is  jolly; 

And  even  of  his  own  disgrace  is  vain, 
Vaunting  aloud  preeminence*  in  folly. 

*  Diffidence  is  the  characteristic  feature  of  wisdom, 
which  never  conceives  that  it  hath  attained  to  the  summit 
of  excellence,  while  there  yet  remains  any  thing  to  be  ac- 
quired. Whereas,  "  a  little  wisdom  is  a  dangerous  thing," 
and  when  possessed  by  shallow  wits,  is  very  frequently  con- 
ducive to  evil  effects,  involving  in  its  disgrace,  all  such  as 
placed  reliance  on  its  efficacy.  Speaking  of  those  selfsuffi- 
cient   fools,  we  may  apply  the  words  of  Solomon. 

"  There  is  a  generation;  O  how  lofty  are  their  eyes, 
and  their  eyelids  are  lifted  up !" 


80  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

In  shallow  wits,  this  feature's  always  found, 

For  vanity's  to  idiots  close  allied  ; 
Truth  is  rejected  for  the  simple  sound, 

And  sterling  worth  for  gaudy  senseless  pride. 

With  Fools  no  fault  is  undeserving  praise, 

Since  all  their  merit  but  consists  in  failing ; 
So  he  doth  most  his  reputation  raise, 

Who  in  opposing  sense,  is  loudest  railing. 
i 
Thus  when  the  giddy  fool  doth  most  conceive, 

He  struts  knight  fam'd  of  Reason's  chivalry ; 
Men  at  his  weakness  laugh  but  in  their  sleeve, 

Despise  the  fool  and  all  his  vanity.* 

*  Poets  have  ever  been  deemed  the  slaves  of  vanity ;  nor 
should  we  omit  musicians  and  players,  who  may  well  boast 
in  this  respect,  the  palm  of  folly.  Among  the  latter  class, 
none  was  perhaps  ever  more  famed,  than  the  great  Garrick, 
who  would  even  debase  himself  so  far  as  to  feel  gratified 
at  the  panegyrics  of  his  own  barber.  That  poets,  however, 
should  have  a  share  of  vanity  is  not  so  surprising,  when  we 
consider  that  they  are  never  governed  by  reason,  which  is 
the  first  step  towards  wisdom.  In  fine,  we  will  conclude 
this  head,  by  stating  of  a  vain  man,  that 

"  He  is  wiser  in  his  own  conceit,  than  seven  men  who 
can  render  a  reason  " 


OF  THE  VANITY  OF  FOOLS.  8l 

l'enVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

The  wisest  of  us  hath  no  cause  to  boast, 
Conceit  with  fools  alone  is  deem'd  a  feast; 

For  in  those  breasts  where  reason  rules  the  roast 
The  most  enlighten'd  seem  to  know  the  least. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis> 
.Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis, 


r  82  ] 


SECTION  XX. 


OF  USURIOUS  FOOLS. 

He  that  by  usury  and  unjust  gain,  increaseth  his  sub- 
stance, He  shall  gather  it  for  him  that  will  pity  the  poor. 

Solomon. 

The  sordid  wretch,  on  gold  intent, 
Will  take,  unblushing,  cent,  per  cent.:* 
Nor  heed  the  anguish  those  sustain, 
Who  owe  their  ruin  to  his  gain. 

On  lucre  gluts  the  avaricious  mind ; 

For  which  it  sells  the  welfare  of  mankind. 

*  Usury  walks  arm  in  arm  with  avarice;  for,  although  it 
does  not  hoard  its  pelf  from  the  public,  it  never  dispenses 
it  but  with  the  certainty  of  restitution  with  swinging  in- 
terest; for  the  cry  is  gold  begets  gold:  and  although  the  adage 
may  be  verified  by  all  such  as  have  it  at  command,  and 
will  lend  it  out  at  usury,  they,  nevertheless,  will  find  in  the 
sequel,  that  satisfaction  doth  not  attend  its  increase;  for 
happiness  kicks  the  beam,  leaving  them  the  slaves  of  un- 
ceasing anxiety,  apprehension,  and  fear.  L'avaro  quanto 
piu  ha,  tanto  piu  e  bisognoso. 


OF  USURIOUS  FOOLS.  83 

Not  more  doth  screech-owl  shock  the  ear 

Of  music,  than,  if  us'rers  hear 

That  legal  interest  you  uphold, 

When  talking  of  the  worth  of  gold. 
Such  is  their  love  of  the  Peruvian  store, 
That  Israel's  golden  calf  they  all  adore. 

Nay,  since  that  hour,  each  Jewish  elf 

Hath  prov'd  that  he's  a  calf  himself. 

For  gold  did  Judas  Christ  betray  : 

And  usury  the  tribes  obey.* 
'Tis  Croesus  constitutes  their  sole  delight. 
No  matter  so  they've  gold,  how  they  come  by't 

*  Although  in  this  stanza  the  poet  hath,  according  to 
custom,  levelled  his  shafts  at  the  descendants  of  Abraham, 
the  Christians  are  no  less  reluctant  than  themselves  in 
amassing1  gold  at  any  price:  and  I  very  much  question,  if 
there  are  not  existing  among  us  many  Judas's,  who  would 
not  scruple  at  any  sacrifice,  so  that  wealth  was  but  the  pur- 
chase: for  as  religion,  honour,  and  probity,  have  long*  been 
discarded  by  all  ranks  of  society,  in  order  to  its  attainment, 
I  conceive  that  there  would  be  no  difficulty  in  bringing 
Christians  to  the  perpetration  of  any  crime  in  the  service 
of  Croesus.  Yet,  let  such  fools  remember, 


84  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Remember  well  this  sterling  rule, 

The  spendthrift  is  no  more  a  fool, 

Than  he,  by  whose  usurious  theft, 

The  prodigal's  of  lands  bereft. 
One  spends  as  dross,  till  bow'd  by  want's  fell 

rod: 
T'other  no  duty  owns. — His  gold  his  god. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Temper  instruction,  so  that  youth  may  learn 

What  constitutes  of  wealth  the  sterling  bliss. 
Teach  him,  alike  the  two  extremes  to  spurn : 

For  he  who  treads  the  middle  path  can't  miss. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


■  Multa  petentibus 


Desunt  multa.  Bene  est  cui  Deus  obtulit 
Parca  quod  satis  est  manu. 


[      »*     J 


SECTION  XXI. 


o*    FOOLS   WHO    SUPERINTEND   THE  EDUCATION  OF 
CHILDREN. 

For  one  man,  out  of  his  own  skin, 
To  frisk,  and  whip  another's  sin, 
As  pedants  out  of  school  boys*  breeches 
Do  claw  and  curry  their  own  itches. 

To  ye,  starch'd  dames,  whose  birchen  trade  is 
The  art  of  breaking  in  young  ladies. 
Of  ye,  in  sooth,  I  needs  must  chatter; 
For  ye  know  nothing  of  the  matter.* 

*  There  is  scarcely  any  set  of  fools  that  call  more  loudly 
for  the  lash  of  satire,  than  these  guardians  of  the  rising 
generation.  That  schools  are  of  utility,  is  beyond  all  doubt; 
but  sorry  am  I  to  say,  that  they  are  too  frequently  con- 
verted into  abuses.  It  hath  very  frequently  come  within 
mine  own  knowledge,  to  witness  the  conduct  of  boarding- 
school  misses,  when  they  have  attained  the  ages  of  four- 
teen and  fifteen :  at  such  times  I  have  beheld  them  enter 
the  presence  of  the  lady  governess,  hanging  their  heads,  as 

K 


&6  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Mrs.  Cowley  very  characteristically  observes,  like  dead 
partridges.  Speak  to  them  in  French,  and  they  are  sure  to 
reply  in  English.  Request  to  hear  some  specimen  of  their 
performance  on  the  piano  forte,  and  you  may  then  set  it 
down  for  granted,  that  all  the  powers  of  affectation  will  be 
called  forth,  in  order  to  plead  a  silly  excuse.  Follow  them 
from  the  august  presence  of  madam,  to  the  interior  of  their 
own  chambers,  and  there  you  will  find  all  the  little  arts  of 
petty  intrigue  and  coquettish  blandishments  practised.  In 
short,  these  misses  are  complete  masquerades,  blushing  at 
things  they  should  not  comprehend,  and  facing  those  faults 
with  the  most  daring  effrontery,  which  they  should  feel 
shame  in  owning.  Such  are,  however,  the  effects  resulting 
from  the  present  system  of  education:  whereas  we  never 
scarcely  see  a  school-girl  enter  a  room  with  noble  con- 
fidence, and  reply  with  firm,  yet  modest  diffidence,  to  a 
question  proposed.  Had  I  a  daughter,  she  should  not  re- 
main at  one  of  these  seminaries,  after  the  attainment  of  her 
tenth  year  ;  for,  until  that  period,  the  childish  imagination 
wantons  with  playful  frivolity;  it  resists  the  curb  of  restraint, 
as  far  as  relates  to  the  operations  of  the  mind,  solely  en- 
grossed by  the  trifling  gratifications,  resulting  from  play 
and  baubles.  In  short,  till  that  period,  all  is  well:  nor  would 
it  be  amiss  if  our  legislature,  like  that  of  ancient  Athens, 
was  to  establish  public  seminaries  for  the  youth  of  both 
sexes,  where  every  moral  and  religious  duty  was  nourished 
and  brought  to  perfection  ;  and  not  nipped  in  the  bud  by 
starched,  unnecessarv  forms. 


OF  FOOLISH  TUTORS.  t7 

Instead  of  mentally  advancing, 
Your  miss's  first  grand  object's  dancing  ;  * 
By  which  one  truth  I  must  reveal  is, 
Empty's  the  head;  as  light  the  heel  is. 

Next  to  ensure  the  brilliant  sortie, 
Miss  strikes  the  grand  piano  forte  ;f 

If  the  mind  cannot  elicit  one  way,  it  certainly  will  another: 
and  thence  we  find,  that  among  the  many,  some  will  propo- 
gate  bad,  and  others,  good.  But  instead  of  watching  these 
several  propensities  which  should  constitute  the  leading 
principle  of  tutors,  they,  on  the  contrary,  attend  to  super- 
face  only;  which  is  a  sufficient  reason  why  the  propensity 
to  evil  so  much  overbalances  the  practice  of  good. 

*  To  such  an  extravagant  pitch  has  this  accomplishment 
arrived,  that,  instead  of  the  mere  steps  which  formerly  con- 
stituted its  excellence,  being  deemed  sufficient  for  the  ball- 
room, every  little  miss  must  now  emulate  the  Opera  House 
ladies,  whose  manners,  a  few  years  since,  excited  such  dis- 
gust in  the  eyes  of  the  lawn  sleeved  right  reverends  of  the 
woolpack:  and,  indeed,  we  may  exclaim  with  the  Roman,  in 
speaking  of  the  conduct  of  our  misses  in  this  particular: 
Saltabut  melius  quam  necesse  est  probae. 

f  To  hear  the  battle  of  Prague  most  unmercifully  cruci- 
fied by  one  of  these  expert  daughters  of  Euterpe,  who  is 
not  only  devoid  of  taste,  but  ears,  hath  frequently  been  the 


#8  THE  SHIP  OF  F00L5. 

Knows  lessons,  airs,  duets,  in  plenty, 
And  plays  the  octave  of  Clementi. 
And,  as  the  body's  decoration 
Employs  one  half  of  this  great  nati6n, 
Miss  to  that  science  is  inducted, 
And  in  each  petty  art  instructed. 

The  jabb'ring  of  ill  spoken  French  is 
The  learning  of  our  pretty  wenches, 
With  now  and  then  Italian  smattef, 
Ifioco,  Signor,  and  such  matter; 
And,  as  from  innocence  they  wander. 
With  brazen  mask,  hear  double  entendre, 
The  modest  blush  must  be  translated ; 
And  miss's  front  with  brass  be  plated. 

Wisdom  by  folly's  thus  perverted, 

And  ev'ry  moral  controverted : 

The  sound,  the  sense  :  the  heel,  the  head  is : 

Feather  the  one ;  the  other  lead  is: 

Flightiness,  wit:  modesty,  primness: 

Study,  romance:  and  science,  dimness; 

lot  of  the  writer,  whose  feelings  can  only  be  conceived  by 
tkose  that  have  suffered  a  similar  torture.  Such  I  conceive 
to  be  one  of  the  insufferable  miseries  of  human  life. 


OF  FOOLISH  TUTORS.  89 

In  fine,  my  dames,  your  sapient  *  rules  are 
Fitted  to  prove  your  pupils  fools  are.f 

*  E  da  un  matto  voler  insegnare  non  havendo  imperato, 

t  This  is  not  to  be  wondered  at,  when  we  consider  the 
contents  of  the  foregoing  stanzas  of  the  poet.  But  in  order 
to  make  the  reader  better  acquainted  with  causes,  it  is  ne- 
cessary to  observe,  that  the  more  masters  the  pupil  hath, 
the  more  monCy  is  derived  by  the  preceptors.  As  to  the 
idea  of  genius  in  the  scholar,  that  is  never  taken  into  con- 
sideration; and  I  hare  literally  seen  school  drawings  tha't 
would  have  disgraced  an  Ouran  Outang.  And  to  speak 
truly  of  the  persons  employed  to  teach  at  seminaries,  they 
are  but  the  fag  end,  the  tag  rag  and  bobtail  of  proficients 
in  those  very  arts  they  pretend  to  be  so  well  schooled  in; 
and  I  must  confess  that  they  very  frequently  remind  me 
of  the  old  woman,  who  took  infinite  pains  to  teach  her  boy 
to  milk  a  boar.  But  to  the  point:  it  is  truly  surprising  to  see 
how  easily  a  school  bill  is  whipped  up,  what  with  entrances 
cf  masters,  or  rather  labourers;  charges  for  books  which 
were  never  had;  usage  of  the  globes  and  piano  forte,  whose 
tones  might  well  vie  with  the  clank  that  resounds  from  a 
cracked  tin  kettle;  and  the  more  genteel  sum  which  is. 
tacked  to  the  account,  for  miss  being  a  parlour  boarder, 
v.ho  is  honoured  with  slip  slop  tea  and  a  bit  of  the  brown 
off  the  meat.  These  are  the  wheels  within  wheels  that  set 
so  many  seminaries  in  motion.  Apropos:  I  had  very  nearly 
forgotten  to  descant  on  the  topic  of  whipping,  which  is 
generally  followed  up  pretty  smartly  by  old  maids,  who 

K2 


90  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

revenge  their  own  disappointments  and  ill  humours  on  the 
breeches  of  their  pupils:  and  although,  in  this  instance,  they 
adhere  to  the  text  of  Solomon,  who  saith,  He  that  spareth 
his  rod  hateth  his  son;  but  he  that  loveth  him,  chasteneth 
him  betimes;  and  Butler  also,  who,  speaking1  of  flogging1, 
says, 

Whipping  that's  virtue's  governess; 

Tutress  of  arts  and  sciences: 

That  mends  the  gross  mistakes  of  nature, 

And  puts  new  life  into  dull  matter: 
yet  I   am  rather  of  opinion  with  Terence,  who  thus  em- 
phatically expresseth  himself: 

Pudore  et  liberalitate  liberos 

Retinere,  satius  esse  credo,  quam  metu. 
And  now,  by  way  of  leave-taking,  let  me  use  the  lines 
of  Butler  to  these  heads  of  schools: 

Can  you,  that  understand  all  books, 

By  judging  only  with  your  looks? 

Unriddle  all  that  mankind  knows, 

With  solid  bending  of  your  brows: 

All  arts  and  sciences  advance, 

With  screwing  of  your  countenance: 

And,  with  a  penetrating  eye, 

Into  th'  abstrusest  learning  pry; 

And  yet  have  no  art,  true  or  false, 

To  help  your  own  bad  naturals: 

But  still  the  more  you  strive  t'appear., 

Are  found  to  be  the  wretcheder. 

For  fools  are  known  by  looking  wise, 

As  men  find  woodcocks  by  their  eyes 


OV  F00LI3H  TUTORS.  9i 


L  ENVOY  OF  THE  POET, 

Good  sense  and  reason  never  yet  were  found. 
By  teaching  youth  externally  to  shine : 

The  gem's  procur'd  by  delving  under  ground. 
Be  yours  the  task  to  make  the  brain  the  mine. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis5 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


92     ] 


SECTION  XXIII, 

GF    PRODIGAL    FOOLS. 

Zonam  perdidit. 

Gold,  thou  says't  is  free  to  spend, 
Free  to  borrow,  free  to  lend, 

And  free  to  fool  away.  * 
Thou  ne'er  heeds't  its  precious  loss ; 
Gold,  to  thee,  but  worthless  dross ; 

Yet  gold  makes  idiots  gay. 

*  In  all  ages  hath  this  propensity  been  the  characteristic 
of  human  nature:  for  instance,  in  Egypt  the  fascinating- 
Cleopatra  swallowed  her  pearl;  at  Rome,  gold  dust  served 
as  powder  for  the  heads  of  the  great,  and  was  scattered 
for  sand  upon  the  spacious  arena,  to  be  trampled  on  by  gla- 
diators, or  prize  fighters,  and  their  kindred  friends,  bulls 
and  wild  beasts;  and  in  our  own  country  a  courtezan,  Kitty 
Fisher,  to  display  her  contempt  for  money,  and  turn  the  fool 
into  ridicule  who  thought  her  favours  were  to  be  so  cheaply 
purchased,  swallowed,  between  two  slices  of  bread  and 
butter,  the  donation  of  a  fifty  pounds  bank  bill,  which  had 
been  so  presented  to  her;  nay,  all  ranks  have  their  ideas 


OF  PRODIGAL  FOOLS,  §3 

Gold  procures  rich  viands,  drink: 
If  'twould  make  the  fool  but  think, 

And  learn  him  all  its  worth : 
Then  would  gold  most  precious  be, 
Teaching  spendthrift  fools  like  thee^ 

That  want  exists  on  earth. 

Wines,  and  meats,  and  gay  attire ; 
Wanton  fair  ones  ;  fierce  desire ; 

Gold  may  compass  with  a  youth, 
Gone  thine  ore ;  then  viands,  dress, 
Women — nay,  desire  grows  less : 

For  fools  then  learn  this  truth. 

Having  all  their  substance  spent, 
Strove  to  borrow  where  they've  lent, 
And  freely  giv'n  away : 

on  this  head!  and  sailors,  when  returned  from  a  prosper- 
ous cruize,  having*  exhausted  every  natural  art  that  could 
be  pursued  to  gratify  their  doxies,  have  even  been  known 
to  fry  twenty  watches  in  a  pan,  that  they  might  place  an 
extravagant  dish  upon  the  table.  But  this  tallies  with  the  old 
saying, 

"  Gotten  like  horses,  and  spent  like  asses. 


94  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS, 

Viands,  drink,  and  wantons  fly: 
Then  they  learn  fell  poverty 
Attends  their  locks  when  gray.  * 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Why  will  the  fool  all  common  sense  disdain, 

And  in  his  breast  want's  barbed  arrow  plant? 
Why  hug  false  joys,  forerunners  of  his  bane, 

When  he  may  reap  instruction  from  the  ant? 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

*  Who  can  possibly  contemplate  the  life  of  the  great 
and  philosophical  Lord  Bacon,  and  not  feel  enhcrrored  at 
this  most  pernicious  folly,  which  not  only  contaminates  the 
base  and  illiterate  mind,  but  when  indulged  in,  as  in  the 
instance  of  this  enlightened  character,  is  capable  of  subvert- 
ing every  noble  effusion,  and  trampling- under  foot  the  com- 
bined attributes  of  reason,  study,  and  the  most  consummate 
science. 

L'argento  arde  le  genti. 


[     95     J 


SECTION  XXIII. 


OF  CURIOUS  AND  PRYING  FOO-LS. 
Tractant  fabrilia  fabri. 

O  say,  thou  silly,  curious  elf, 
Hast  thou  nought  else  to  do  thyself, 
Than  be  the  meddling  dolt,  and  try 
In  other  men's  concerns  to  pry  ? 
Is  there,  in  thee,  no  cause  for  blame, 
When  thou  woulds't  publish  others'  shame  ? 
Say,  when  thou  pick'st  the  hole  in  other's  coat, 
Art  sure  thou  row'st  not  in  the  self  same  boat  ?* 

*  This  itch  for  discovering  the  faults  of  others,  and  acting 
the  part  of  censor  with  respect  to  those  very  vices  we  are 
ourselves  addicted  to,  is,  by  no  means,  confined  to  any  par- 
ticular class  of  society,  nor  to  either  sex;  as  men  and  wo- 
men are  equally  subject,  to  the  contagion :  of  whom  we  may 
say  with  Cicero, 

Est  proprium  stultitise  aliorum  cernere  vitia:  oblivisci 
suonvm. 


96  THE  SHIP  OP  FSGLS. 

Thou  cunning,  finds't  out  John  to  be 
Contented  cuckold,*  just  like  thee. 

Curiosity  does  not  only  brand  its  votary  with  the  stigma 
of  meanness ;  but  is  very  frequently  productive  of  more 
dangerous  consequences.  In  sacred  writ,  even  the  command 
of  He^.-en  was  not  sufficient  to  allay  this  desire:  as  the 
wife  of  Lot,  for  her  folly  and  punishment,  testifies.  And, 
according  to  the  fable  of  the  ancients,  Orpheus,  the  re- 
nowned son  of  Apollo  and  Calliope,  for  disobedience  to 
the  ordinance  of  Pluto,  lost  his  beloved  wife  Eurydice. 

*  The  poet,  certainly,  could  not  have  hit  upon  a  discove- 
ry more  easily  to  be  made,  at  the  present  period;  and  the 
disgrace  of  which  is  more  likely  to  be  attachable  to  the 
discoverer ;  for  the  wives  of  his  age  afford  an  ample  field 
for  the  scrutiny  of  prying  fools  ;  of  whom  it  may  be  said 
with  justice,  that  "  Listeners  hear  no  good  of  themselves;" 
as  it  is  ten  to  one  but  the  story  applies  to  them,  equally 
with  the  person  of  whom  it  is  related.  Thus  every  man 
hides  his  own  antlers  under  the  hood  of  his  neighbour. 

In  the  fairy  tales  of  the  countess  d'Aulnoi,  is  an  excel- 
lent story,  well  calculated  as  a  lesson  on  his  head,  which 
runs  as  follows: 

"  Fouribon,  (the  hump-backed  prince)  followed  the 
queen,  without  saying  a  word:  but  stopped  at  the  door, 
and  laid  his  ear  to  the  key -hole,  putting  his  hair  aside,  that 
he  might  the  better  hear  what  was  said.   At  the  same 


OF  CUKIOUS,  TRYING  FOOLS.  97 

And,  while  thou'rt  scoffing,  pr'ythee,  mark, 

At  thee  thy  dame  jeers  with  her  spark: 

Or,  with  a  wench,  if  wedded,  Will 

His  carnal  purpose  should  fulfil : 
Think  not,  when  thou  enact'st  the  same  fond 

game, 
But  others  know  that  all  thy  sin  proclaim. 

Hast  thou  thy  course  so  ever  run, 
That  thou  jtieed' st  know  thy  neighbour's  dun  ? 
With  thee  so  jocund  passeth  time, 
That  folly's  peal  doth  never  chime ; 
That  thou,  in  conscious  purity 
Unblushing,  others'  faults  may'st  see  ? 
Away,  conceited  fool ;  some  plan  devise, 
To  hoodwink  men ;  for  they,  like  thee,  have  eyes. 

time  Leander  entered  the  court-hall  of  the  palace,  with 
his  red  cap  upon  his  head,  so  that  he  was  not  to  be 
seen  ;  and  perceiving  Fouribon  listening  at  the  door  of  the 
king's  chamber,  he  took  a  nail  and  a  hammer,  and  nailed 
his  ear  to  the  door."  The  tale  then  proceeds  to  relate,  that 
the  cries  of  Fouribon  reaching  his  mother,  she  flew  to  the 
portal;  when,  in  the  hurry  of  opening  it,  to  learn  the  cause 
of  his  distress,  she  adds  to  his  first  punishment,  by  tearing 
off  the  ear  which  had  been  so  nailed  to  the  door. 

L 


99  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOL3, 

l'envoy  OF  THE  POET. 
The  curious  fool,  who  others'  acts  must  know, 

Finds  out  the  semblance  of  his  own  disgrace ; 
And  while  he  ridicules  their  faults,  doth  show 

His  own  reflected,  as  on  mirror's  face. 

THE    POET'S    CHORUS    TO   FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


C   w  J 


SECTION  XXIV. 


OF  THE  FOOL  THAT  IS  JEALOUS  OF  HIS  WIFE  WITH- 
OUT A  CAUSE. 

For  jealousy  is  the  rage  of  a  man:  therefore  he  will  not 
spare  in  the  day  of  vengeance. 

The  jealous  fool,  though  bless'd  with  prudent  wife, 
Knows  not  the  value  of  the  gem  he  wears; 

Corrosive  poison  gangrenes  all  his  life, 

And  each  connubial  joy  is  strew'd  with  cares. 

The  purest  mirth  to  him  seems  vicious  joy, 
The  silent  sadness  speaks  unlicens'd  love; 

Fancies — his  wife's  calm  pleasures  thus  destroy, 
Tho'  chaste  as  snow,  and  gentle  as  the  dove.* 

*  The  dire  effects  of  this  dreadful  passion  are  most  ini- 
mitably displayed  in  the  well  known  tragedy  of  Othello, 
where  a  noble  unsuspecting  nature  is  wrought  upon  by  the 
base  arts  of  an  insidious  villain,  and  truly  indeed  may  Iago 
exclaim: 


100  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

The  kind  attention  to  politeness  due, 

Though  offer'd  by  the  dearest  of  his  friends, 

Will  rouse  the  demon  till  revenge  pursue; 
Thus  love  in  jealousy's  fell  hatred  ends. 

"  My  medicine  works!  Thus  credulous  fools  are  caught; 
and  many  worthy  and  chaste  dames,  even  thus  (all  guiltless) 
meet  reproach.5' 

In  vain  may  beauty  and  the  voice  of  innocence  cry  out; 
jealousy  hath  no  ears  but  for  revenge,  no  satisfaction  but  in 
blood;  it  is  a  monster  that  gluts  upon  its  proper  bane,  feed- 
ing with  fancies,  the  corrosive  poison  that  destroys  all 
peace.  For  though  it  dreads  the  truth  it  seeks  to  ascertain, 
yet  will  it  not  give  credence  to  the  fact  that  would  afford  it 
consolation:  'tis  thus  with  Othello,  speaking  to  his  wife  be- 
fore the  murder: 

Therefore  confess  thee  freely  of  thy  sin, 

For  to  deny  each  article  with  oath 

Cannot  remove,  nor  choke  the  strong  conception 

That  I  do  groan  withal:  thou  art  to  die. 

In  the  tragedy  of  The  Revenge,  is  also  depictured  the 
dire  effects  of  this  raging  passion,  which,  like  a  whirlwind, 
sweeps  every  thing  away  in  its  destructive  course,  or  as  the 
resistless  torrent,  that,  dashing  from  some  maddening 
height,  bears  away  in  its  vortex  every  thing  that  would  op- 
pose its  fury;  even  so  doth  vengeful  jealousy  carry  with  it. 
universal  destruction. 


OF  THE  JEALOUS  FOOL.  101 

Absent  new  fears  assail,  then  home  like  thief, 

He  sneaks  to  verify  the  fancy 'd  ill ; 
And  though  all's  well,  but  short-liv'd  the  relief, 

A  word  or  look  new  jealous  thoughts  instil. 

Thus  always  tortur'd,  always  fill'd  with  fear, 
Nor  time,  nor  long  conviction  cures  thy  pain  ; 

And  though  thou  hat'st  the  object  once  most  dear; 
Fell  jealousy  inhabits  still  thy  brain. 

jl 'envoy  of  the  poet. 
With  care  select  from  womankind  a  wife, 

For  many  are  the  blanks  in  wedlock's  wheel ; 
Who  does  not,  plants  at  home  eternal  strife, 

Since  death  alone  his  jealous  pangs  can  heal. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[      102     ] 


SECTION  XXV. 

OF    FOOLS    THAT    KNOW    AND    ARE    INSTRUMENTAL 
TO    THEIR    WIVE's    INCONSTANCY, 


■  Maritus 


Nauseat  atque  oculis  vilem  substringit  opertis. 

What  madman  is't ;  what  kind  of  fool, 
That  thus  defies  each  decent  rule, 

And  makes  himself  a  handle  ? 
Who  backs  his  wife's  foul  impudence* 
And  proves  to  her  incontinence, 

A  wretch  to  hold  the  candle  ?  * 

*  Theophilus  Cibber  affords  a  striking  instance  of  hu- 
man depravity  of  this  species;  who  purposely  connived  at 
the  incontinence  of  his  wife  with  Mr.  Sloper,  that  he  might 
receive  his  money,  and  also  extort  from  him  heavy  da- 
mages, by  an  action  of  Crim.  con.  which  was  instituted,  but 
to  little  effect,  for,  on  hearing  the  evidence,  the  infamy  of 
the  Plaintiff  was  so  conspicuous,  that  the  Jury  awarded  him 
Ten  Pounds  damages,  and,  to  increase  his  punishment,  the 
public  were  so  exasperated  at  his  conduct,  that  Cibber 
found  it  impossible  to  appear  on  the  stage  in  this  country 


OF    CONNIVING,    FOOLISH    CUCKOLDS.  103 

Can  such  be  man,  whose  soul  divine. 
Should  ev'ry  godlike  act  combine, 

That  honours  virtue's  name  ? 
Can  human  nature  thus  efface, 
Each  trait  of  purity  and  grace, 

And  wear  the  badge  of  shame. 

The  beasts  of  field,  the  birds  of  air, 
Will  guard  their  mates  with  jealous  care, 

Nor  own  such  vice  disgusting ; 
They  boast  an  instinct  more  refin'd, 
Than  such  foul  fools,  though  blest  with  mind? 

For  shame  impure  thus  lusting. 

Is  gold  possess'd  of  charm  so  rare, 
To  make  a  man  thus  yield  his  fair, 


afterwards,  in  consequence  of  which  he  embarked  for  Ire- 
land, when  the  vessel  wras  lost,  and  Cibber  drowned;  buta 
that  we  may  not  confine  ourselves  to  fools  of  so  late  a  pe- 
riod, we  need  only  refer  to  the  history  of  Pasiph<e,  queen  of 
Crete,  who  had  a  son  and  heir  by  her  gallant  lover,  a  Bull, 
which  was  most  condescendingly  fathered  by  her  cornuted 
lord. 


104  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

To  be  by  lust  polluted  ?  * 
Then  other  fools  their  course  may  run, 
For  'mongst  the  throng,  so  vile,  there's  none. 

As  he  who's  self  cornuted. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Fly  from  foul  infamy,  nor  thus  entice, 

Thy  weaker  half  to  play  the  wanton's  part ; 
Murder  not  others  with  the  damning  vice, 

That  stabs  thy  reputation  to  the  heart. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

*  The  curious  Impertinent  affords  an  instance  of  a  dif- 
ferent nature,  respecting  fools  of  this  species,  where  the 
hero  of  the  tale,  anxious  to  prove  the  fidelity  of  his  wife,  re- 
quests his  bosom  friend  to  make  love  to  her,  in  order  to 
make  trial  of  her  constancy;  which  is  accordingly  done,  and 
with  such  success,  that  the  husband  has  to  thank  himself 
for  the  horns  he  wears.  This  is  not,  however,  the  worst 
species  of  folly,  for,  however  the  reader  may  dispute  the 
veracity  of  the  ensuing  statement,  it  is  nevertheless  ground- 
ed in  truth.  An  individual,  who  shall  be  nameless,  was  in 
the  habit  of  taking  his  wife  every  evening  to  the  piazzas  of 
Covent  Garden,  where  he  left  her,  in  order  to  procure  mo- 


OF  CONNIVING,  FOOLISH  CUCKOLDS.  105 

ney,  the  wages  of  her  own  prostitution,  and,  if  it  so  hap- 
pened that  she  returned  without  such  ill  acquired  gain,  he 
was  in  the  habit  of  chastising  her  severely;  but  with  re- 
spect to  the  gratification  of  venality,  through  the  medium 
bf  this  degrading  vice,  how  many  husbands  are  there  not5 
who  wilfully  put  their  wives  in  the  way  of  great  men,  in 
order  that  they  may  gain  their  ends,  heedless  of  the  cries 
of  conscience,  and  the  goading  sting  of  shame.  Chi  suoi 
vizii  non  doma,  nelle  sue  mani  la  sua  vergogna  porta. 


I    106  3 

SECTION  -XXVI. 

GF  FOOLS  THAT  ARE  PASSIONATE  AT  TRIFLES, 

Si  vis  incolumem,  si  vis  te  reddere  sanum, 
Cur  as  tolle  graves,  irasci  crede  profanum. 

A  stone  is  heavy,  and  the  sand  weighty;  but  a  fool's  wrath 
is  heavier  than  them  both . 

Hark,  how  the  boisterous  fool  will  dash  on, 
And  prove  the  slave  to  's  idle  passion ;  * 

*  Sir  John  Perrot,  the  natural  son  of  King  Henry  VIII. 
was  very  much  addicted  to  passion,  and  was  the  first  per- 
son who  swore  by  God's  wounds,  now  vulgarly  termed  zounds. 
In  one  of  these  fits  of  rage,  he  so  far  incensed  Queen  Eli- 
zabeth, that  she  ordered  him  into  confinement  in  the  Tower, 
where  he  continued  for  some  time,  until  the  queen,  on  ac- 
count of  their  consanguinity,  determined  on  giving  him  his 
liberty,  and  in  consequence  sent  a  message  to  indicate  her 
pleasure,  which  happened  to  be  at  the  momentous  period 
of  the  threatened  invasion  of  England  by  the  Spaniards; 
upon  which  Sir  John  having  recourse  to  his  accustomed 
oath,  vowed  that  she  only  accorded  this  grace  in  order  to 
command  his  services,  for  that  he  well  knew,  she  would 
p — s  herself  through    fear;    which    insolent  reply  being 


OF  PASSIONATE  FOOLS.  107 

Now  execrate,  like  madman  raving, 
And  stamp  as  hard  as  paviers  paving ; 
And  all  for  what  ? 
Why,  Nan,  his  daughter, 

Hath  brought  in  pot 
Some  luke-warm  water ; 
Whereas  papa,  though  long  at  bristles  toiling, 
Can  never  shave  them  clean,  unless'  tis  boiling, 

delivered  to  Elizabeth,  so  incensed  her,  that  she  changed 
her  resolution,  and  in  consequence,  Sir  John  Perrot  died 
in  the  Tower,  a  prisoner.  Various  fools  have  various  ways 
of  indulging  this  pernicious  propensity, 

Unus  utrique  error, 

Sed  variis  illudit  partibus; 
of  whom  it  may  truly  be  said,  according  to  the  opinion  of 
Butler, 

The  difference  was  so  small,  his  brain 
Outweigh'd  his  rage  but  half  a  grain; 
Which  made  some  take  him  for  a  tool 
That  knaves  do  work  with,  calPd  a  Fool. 
The  splenetic  Pyrrhus,  King  of  Epirus,  should  not  be  omit- 
ted, whose  occult  science  was  vested  in  his  toe;  of  whom 
Pliny  saith,  Policis  in  dextro  pede  tactu  Lienosis  mede° 
batui\ 


108  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Mark  how  his  face,  with  ire  first  reddens, 
To  ashy  pale  his  cheek  then  deadens ; 
His  offensive  locks  now  tearing, 
And  knuckles  too  his  passion  sharing, 
Whilst  he,  with  look 

Of  harden'd  sinner, 
Blasphemes  his  cook, 

Too  late  with  dinner : 
Or,  d — ns  the  stew,  'fore  which  the  maid's  been 

toiling, 
Then  raves  and  swears  at  rump-steak,  scorch'd 

while  broiling. 

Now  hark  the  bell's  loud  peal's  resounding, 
Dire  knell !  the  servants'  minds  astounding ; 
Each  runs,  appalPd  to  hear  the  volley, 
Of  dread  abuse  from  passion's  folly, 
And  for  what  ? 
Oh  mischief  subtle, 
John  hath  forgot, 
Coals  in  the  scuttle  ; 
Though   at  that   instant  might  the  grate  have 

boasted, 
A  fire  'fore  which  an  ox  might  have  been  roasted. 


OF  PASSIONATE  FOOLS.  109 

Sometimes  forgetful  in  his  hurry, 
He  puts  his  wife  in  dreadful  flurry ; 
Storms  like  the  roar  of  ocean's  billow, 
For  why  ?  no  night-cap's  on  his  pillow  ; 
While,  smiling,  this 
Her  quick  response  is, 
"  You  judge  amiss, 
For  on  your  sconce  'tis  :" 
E'en  so  for  's  pen  he'll  quarrel  oft  be  picking, 
While   from  his   ear,  the   goose's   quill's  forth 
sticking. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Passion  to  madness  is  so  near  allied 

Thou  may'st  without  it  give  the  wise  offence ; 
From  whence  this  sterling  truth  can't  be  deny'd, 

Such  fools  commit  felo  de  se  on  sense. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avib* 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


M 


L    no    i 


SECTION  XXVII. 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  RELY  ON  THE  STABILITY  OF 
FORTUNE. 

'         Fortuna  vitrea  est,  turn  cum  splendet  frangitur 
Fortuna,  nimium  quern  fovet,  stultum  facit. 

O  listen,  fool,  and  if  there's  yet  one  grain, 
Of  common  sense  in  thy  too  senseless  brain ; 
As  well  may'st  thou  rely  on  Fortune's*  smile, 
As  strive  these  contraries  to  reconcile. 

*  It  is  certainly  a  fact,  that  fools  are  the  favoured  of 
Fortune,  but  not  that  race  which  studies  to  court  her;  for 
the  caprice  of  the  lady  is  so  notorious,  that  she  will  only 
force  herself  upon  those  who  either  treat  her  with  contempt, 
or  never  think  about  her. 

For  though  dame  Fortune  seem  to  smile, 

And  leer  upon  thee  for  a  while; 

She'll  after  show  thee  in  the  nick, 

Of  all  thy  glories,  a  dog  trick. 
The  haughty  and  vainglorious  Bajazet  was  the  occupant 
of  the  very  iron  cage  which  he  had  caused  to  be  construct- 


OF  FOOLISH  DEPENDENTS  ON  FORTUNE.  Ill 

When  Bond  street  milliner  shall  live  correct, 
And  harlots  walk  in  Quaker  robes  bedeckt ; 
When  doctors  disregard  their  wonted  fees, 
And  great  Napoleon's  navy  rules  the  seas  ; 
When  Pall  Mall  loungers  study  common  sense, 
And  high  bred  ladies  sport  no  impudence  ; 
When  lords  give  satisfaction  to  their  duns, 
And  vet'ran  soldiers  shoot  not  with  long  guns. 
When  orators  no  sep'rate  parties  join, 
And  citizens  disdain  the  plump  sirloin ; 

ed  for  the  prison  of  his  enemy,  and  after  all  his  grandeur, 
it  has  been  said  that  he  became  his  own  executioner,  by 
beating  his  brains  out  against  the  bars  of  that  very  engine 
which  denoted  his  degradation,  and  displayed  his  downfal 
to  the  eyes  of  every  gaping  fool. 

The  renowned  Kouli  Khan,  whose  conquering  arms  sub- 
dued the  vast  empire  of  Mogul,  was  stopped  in  his  career 
by  the  hand  of  one  of  his  own  officers,  who  murdered  him 
in  his  tent:  but,  were  we  to  expatiate  on  this  topic,  and  ad- 
duce every  circumstance  of  a  similar  nature,  in  order  to 
prove  the  instability  of  Fortune,  no  folio  volume  would  be 
sufficient  to  comprise  the  catalogue;  therefore,  to  fools  of 
this  cast,  we  will  conclude  with  an  excellent  line  of  Sallust^ 

Divitiarum  et  form ae  gloria  fluxa  atquefragilis, 


THE  SHJT  OF  FOOLS. 

When  members  of  St.  Stephen's  gain  their  seats. 
By  independence,  void  of  lies  and  treats; 
When  Bank  directors  note  fam'd  Newland's  bills, 
And  Taylor  swallows  clown  his  own  fam'd  pills ; 
When  angry  Boreas  vies  with  Braham's  strain? 
And  Cesar  fights  his  battles  o'er  again  ; 
When  halt  and  blind  shall  the  fandango  dance, 
And  Garrat's  mayor  usurp  the  throne  of  France; 
When  parson  shall  forget  his  wonted  text, 
And  debtor  sleep  without  a  mind  perplex'd  j 
When  poet  shall  be  dumb,  musician  meek, 
An  actor  sober,  and  a  curate  sleek : 
When  rich  exchange  their  state  with  wretched 

poor, 
And  Hampshire  swine  dance  minuet  de  la  cour; 
Then  fortune's  favours  thou  wilt  justly  see, 
Dispens'd  on  merit :— Not  on  fools  like  thee. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

Fortune  the  ancients  justly  pictur'd  blind, 
And  so  is  he  that  on  her  gifts  relies ; 

But  when  cool  reason's  dictates  sway  the  mind, 
On  self  will  it  depend;  and  thus  be  wise. 


OF  FOOLISH  DEPENDENTS  ON  FORTUNE.  113 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


M 


14     J 


SECTION  XXVIII. 


OP  FOOLISH  SCOFFERS    AND  BACKBITERS. 

Si  nous  n'avions  point  de  defauts,  nous  ne  prendrions  pa* 
tant  de  plaisir  &  en  remarquer  dans  les  autres, 

Some  fools  I've  heard,  whose  wicked*  wit, 
Hath  levell'd  been  'gainst  virtue's  fame ; 

But  when  they  thought  the  goal  to  hit, 
The  shaft  rebounded  to  their  shame. 

For  oft  derision's  laugh  hath  yielded  place, 

To  silly  shame,  so  fitting  folly's  face. 

*  There  is  no  vice  more  prevalent  than  the  above,  which, 
not  content  with  slandering,  where  perhaps  the  lash  is  in 
some  degree  merited,  will  equally  attack  those  whose  lives 
are  the  most  irreproachable;  for,  according  to  the  French 
proverb,  La  moitie  du  monde  prend  plaisir  a  medire,  & 
V  autre  motie  a  croire  les  medisances;  which  acts  as  a  suffi- 
cient incentive  to  the  garrulity  of  this  class  of  fools.  Yet 
howsoever  the  slanderer  may  conceive  himself  secure,  dan- 
ger will  frequently  attend  this  cacoethes  loquendi,  for  none 
are  more  tenacious  than  those  who  feel  convinced  of  their 
own  integrity;  and  it  should  be  remembered,  that,  w  Fame 


OP  FOOLISH  SCOFFERS.  US 

Show  me  the  man,  who  feels  endu'd, 

With  mind  so  matchles  as  to  say ; 
u  I  may  insult  with  laughter  rude ; 

All  others'  faults,  none  dares  say  nay." 
Till  such  an  one  shall  bless  the  human  race? 
The  scoffer  shall  but  seal  his  own  disgrace, 

Others  there  are  so  prone  to  spite, 

That,  if  they  cannot  faults  descry, 
They  still  must  churlish  strive  to  bite, 

And  wound  by  telling  some  mean  lie, 
Which  when  discover'd  truth  resumes  her  place. 
And  triumph's  banish'd  from  the  liar's  face. 

damna  majora,  quam  quae  estimari  possuit;"  let  the  fool 
therefore  be  prepared  for  the  worst,  whose  pleasure  consists 
in  defamation.  I  had  nearly  forgotten  to  instance  one  set  of 
men,  who,  although  they  pride  themselves  on  their  abilities, 
are  notwithstanding  the  most  determined  advocates  for  this 
species  of  folly,  by  which  I  allude  to  the  occupants  of  the 
opposition  Bench  in  the  House  of  Commons;  who,  while  out 
of  place,  brand  with  every  opprobrious  epithet  the  very 
men  and  measures  which  they  will  the  next  day  extol  to 
the  very  skies,  if  taken  into  ministerial  favour. 


416  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Full  oft  we  find  such  vile  deceit, 

Upon  itself  a  curse  bestow  ; 
For  when  expected  least  'twill  meet, 

In  him  bely'd  a  deadly  foe. 
In  vain  repentance  comes ;  how  chang'd  his  case^. 
He  laughs — but  on  the  wrong  side  of  his  face  1 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
If  your  scoffing  and  your  wit  must  deal, 

And  backbite,  to  ensure  the  praise  of  fools ; 
Take  special  care,  for  ten  to  one  you'll  feel, 

How  dang'rous  'tis  to  battle  with  edge  tools. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


1.17     ] 


SECTION  XXIX. 

OB  FOOLS  THAT  DO  OTHER  Men's  BUSINESS  AN£ 
NEGLECT  THEIR  OWN. 

Aliena  negotia  euro,  excussus  pfopriis. 

Some  oafs  there  are  so  condescending, 

So  vastly  fond  of  men's  commending, 

So  prone  at  all  times  to  be  civil, 

As  to  enact  the  thing  that's  evil. 

Yet,  when  they  thus  the  point  attain, 
And  by  their  loss  cause  others'  gain, 
The  world  at  large  pursues  one  rule, 
Forgets  the  favour  and  the  fool.* 

*  These  are  a  silly  tribe  of  idiots,  who  find  their  own 
concerns  in  life  so  vastly  smooth,  that  they  must  needs  med- 
dle in  the  puddle  of  other  men's  disquietudes  and  follies, 
which  are  thereby  very  frequently  transferred  from  the 
back  of  the  sufferer  to  that  of  the  fool  who  would  be  med- 
dling; but  that  the  reader  may  not  say  that  I  adduce  facts 
without  a  proof,  let  me  only  ask  bim  if  he  ever  affixed  his 
name  to  a  promissory  note  for  a  distressed  friend,  without 
having-  himself  to  honour  it,  and  on  his  rejtfy  will  I  ground 


218  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

A  thousand  proofs  might  be  related, 
Of  time  thus  idly  dissipated ; 
Yet  none  so  well  suits  my  reflection, 
As  busy  fools  at  an  Election  :  * 

Who  think  themselves  the  bless'd  of  fate. 

In  dining  with  the  candidate  ; 

Who  when  return'd  pursues  one  rule, 

F or  place  discarding  rights  and  fool. 

Yet  such  is  not  the  sole  punition; 
Of  ills  oft  rise  a  coalition; 

my  position.  Let  it  not,  however,  be  understood,  that  I 
mean  to  render  every  man  selfish,  and  a  niggard  of  his  kind- 
ness, for  such  is  by  no  means  my  intention;  on  the  contrary, 
no  man  should  withhold  from  extending  his  hand  to  support 
the  falling,  so  long  as  he  can  conscientiously  say,  he  neither 
injures  himself  or  those  connected  with  him  :  but  it  is  to 
the  stupid  fool  I  would  speak,  who,  discarding  every  ra- 
tional caution,  will,  in  despite  of  reason,  clap  his  neck  into 
the  halter. 

*  The  folly  of  electioneering  fools  is,  perhaps,  of  all 
others,  the  most  conspicuous,  for  not  only  time  is  lost,  to 
the  prejudice  of  the  man's  family  who  embarks  in  this  spe- 
cies of  servitude,  but  he  generally  bestows  his  labour  on 
one,  whose  first  step  will  be  to  barter  the  liberty  of  his  con- 
stituents for  a  place  or  a  pension, 


OF  OFFICIOUS  FOOLS.  119 

Which  proves  the  stupid  dolt's  undoing, 
Who  would  be  others'  work  pursuing. 

'Tis  then  his  quondam  friends  turn  tail, 

And  he  who  serv'd  'em  rots  in  gaol ; 

Where,  though  too  late,  he  learns  this  rule. 

Who  serves  all  but  himself 's— a  fool. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

None  is  so  able  favours  to  bestow, 

As  he  whose  labour  gains  the  promis'd  end : 
By  industry  thus  teaching  men  to  know, 

Who  serves  himself,  can  others'  wants  befriend- 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


L    120    1 


SECTION  XXX. 


©F  FOOLS  WHO  COLLECT  OLD  BOOKS  AND   PRINTS. 

Picciola  cosa  da  lontano  portata  e  da  tutti  molto  bramata 

Is  it  to  read  this  dolt  doth  buy, 
Of  books  so  large  a  quantity, 

Which  he  cant  comprehend : 
Of  classics  prime  editions  rare, 
No  stain  no  worm  hole— title  fair, 

And  margin  without  end?* 

What  means  those  piles  of  musty  store, 
These  tiers  of  old  black  letter  lore, 

*  This  rage,  which  we  will  denominate  CaCoethes  Car- 
pendiy  has  been  carried  by  a  set  of  asses  to  the  most  ridicu- 
lous pilch ;  as  an  extra  inch  of  margin  to  a  book  has  com- 
manded ten  times  the  price  of  an  equally  fine  copy  of  the 
work  without  it;  as  if  the  sublimity  of  Homer,  or  the  wit 
of  Horace  was  heightened  by  this  additional  width  of  the 
blank  paper  that  skirts  the  text  of  the  author. 


OF  FOOLISH  COLLECTORS  OF  BOOKS.      121 

With  wood-cuts  so  terrific  ? 
Of  Caxton  fam'd —  Wynken  de  Worde, 
Of  Pynson's)  Copland's,  all  the  herd, 

Whose  types  are  hieroglyphic* 
Say,  is't  for  study  you  ne'er  fail, 
For  quarto  playt  or  tract  at  sale, 

To  bid  as  if  quite  crazy  ? 
No,  by  the  bindings,  sense  must  laugh, 
Fine  gilt  morocco,  russia  calf, 

Proclaim  the  muse  is  lazy. 

*  Most  of  the  works  that  issued  from  the  presses  of  the 
above  early  printers,  are.illustrated  with  cuts  so  rudely  ex- 
ecuted, as  frequently  to  appear  like  any  thing  but  what  they 
are  really  intended  to  represent;  yet  in  the  eyes  of  black- 
letter  collectors,  those  deformities  possess  the  most  invinci- 
ble charm ;  for  as  to  the  matter  of  the  work,  that  never  con- 
stitutes any  part  of  the  pleasure  of  these  gentlemen;  let  the 
book  be  but  perfect,  and  in  good  condition,  and  no  more  is 
required. 

f  Interludes,  Quarto  plays  and  Tracts,  have  produced 
prices  that  may  well  brand  their  purchasers  with  the  name 
of  fools.  What  man  of  understanding  would  believe  that  the 
first  edition  of  a  play  would  produce  £.80,  while  the  same 
drama,  printed  at  a  later  period,  may  be  procured  for  six- 
pence ?  Or  who  would  credit,  that  an  interlude  or  tracts 

N 


122  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS, 

Tis  all  for  silly  pride  and  show, 

That  book  worms  like  thyself  may  know, 

And  envy  thee  the  bliss ; 
Which  must  arise  with  men  so  sage, 
Who  only  read  the  title  page, 

Of  such  old  works  rariss  : 

Or  what  surprise  would  seize  a  stranger. 
To  view  an  illustrated  Granger,* 

With  Faithornes,  Passes,  Hollars ; 
Where  he  might  be  indulg'd  with  peep 
At  MulVd  Sake,*  famous  chimney  sweep, 

Which  cost  three  hundred  dollars. 


possessing"  neither  rhyme  nor  reason,  nor  even  an  incident  to 
afford  instruction  of  any  kind,  will  be  knocked  down  by 
Messrs.  Leigh  and  Sotheby,  &x.  8cc.  for  five,  ten,  or  fifteen 
guineas;  yet  these  are  facts  that  will  stand  the  test  of  in- 
quiry, and  stamp  their  possessors  well  worthy  the  title  which 
the  poet  has  bestowed  upon  them. 

*  The  work  above  alluded  to,  gives  an  account  of  the 
several  engravings  of  Englishmen  that  are  extant,  as  well 
as  Foreigners  who  have  visited  this  country,  to  the  period  of 
the  Revolution,  among  which  are  many  rare  prints  mention- 
ed, from  the  gravers  of  the  artists  here  adverted  to,  and 
among  the  rest  is  an  engraving  of  an  infamous  character, 
called  Muird  Sake,  who  not  only  followed  the  employ  of 


©F  FOOLISH  COLLECTORS  OF  BOOKS.  123 

Or  else  behold  in  wooden  cut, 
Nell  Rummin*  filthy  sottish  slut, 

Or  Hofikins,  foe  to  witches : 
Or  Skelton  poet,  all  as  like 
To  human  faces,  as  a  pike 

To  postboy's  leather  breeches. 

L5ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

The  senseless  dolt,  who  buys  rare  works  for  show, 
Is  but  the  baby -man  with  gilded  toy  ; 

Content  his  eyes,  nor  more  he  seeks  to  know, 
In  superface  concentrates  all  his  joy. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

a  chimney  sweeper,  but  was  also  a  most  notorious  cheat  and 
thief.  This  fellow,  who  had  nothing  but  his  infamy  to  re- 
commend him,  is,  however,  rendered  of  infinite  conse- 
quence to  the  collectors  of  Granger  portraits;  for  this  simple 
reason,  that  print  alluded  to  is  supposed  to  be  unique,  and  on 
that  account  alone,  the  writer  very  much  questions  whether 
if  a  second  impression  of  the  portraiture  of  this  most  cele- 
brated character  was  exposed  to  public  auction,  it  would  not 
be  knocked  down  for  £.50  to  some  fool  of  a  Collector. 

*  Eleanor  Rummin,  the  keeper  of  a  filthy  alehouse  in  the 
i*eign  of  Henry  VIII.  has  been  handed  down  to  the  notice  of 


i'24>  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS.  I 

posterity  by  some  wretched,  disgusting  lines  of  Skelton,  the 
Poet  Laureate  of  that  day,  who  is  another  person  mentioned 
above ;  while  Matthew  Hopkins,  a  notorious  imposter  in  the 
reign  of  James  I.  practising  on  the  credulity  of  that  period, 
pretended  to  discover  witches,  by  which  he  made  considera- 
ble profit,  though  at  the  expense  of  nearly  one  hundred  lives, 
^vvhich  were  sacrificed  to  his  abominable  practices,  until  he 
himself  being  accused  of  witchcraft,  fell  at  last  a  victim  to 
the  very  methods  pursued  by  himself  for  the  discovery  of 
the  black  art  in  others.  Of  these  three  individuals,  wood- 
cuts are  extant,  which  are  mentioned  by  Granger,  as  like- 
nesses, though  scarcely  resembling  human  countenances, 
notwithstanding  which,  from  their  rarity,  they  are  not  only 
sought  after  with  avidity,  but,  if  offered  to  sale,  would  be 
purchased  at  the  most  extravagant  price. 


[      125     ] 


SECTION  XXXI. 

OF  FOOLISH  ANTIQUARIES. 

Vetera  extoslimus  recentium  incuriosi. 

Lo!  here's  indeed,  a  rare  collection 
Of  fools,  well  form'd  to  cause  reflection: 
Of  dolts,  by  whom  a  trifle's  cherish'd, 
Which,  'neath  time's  withering  hand  hath  per- 

ish'd.  _ 
Whose  sapient  brain,  from  modern  works,  no 

pleasure  knows: 
Dotes  on  crack'd  urn  Etruscan— *bust  without  a 

nose. 

Or  now,  behold,  quite  black  and  crummy. 
Some  perfect  truss'd  Egyptian  mummy; 
Or  else,  perhaps,  to  crown  his  bliss,  sir, 
A  toe  of  queen  Semiramis,  sir; 

N2 


i£6  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Or  valiant  Hector's  tooth,  beyond  denial; 
Or  tpar  *  of  Dido,  safe  preserv'd  in  phial. 

Or,  if  with  old  late  times  comparing, 
See  Egbert's  tunicf  worse  for  wearing; 
Or  else  of  Ethelbert  the  boot,  sir, 
Or  famous  cup^:  of  Hardi  Knute,  sir; 

*  The  poet,  in  this  line,  has  had  an  eye  to  the  excellent 
after-piece  of  Modern  Antiques,  which  cannot  be  too  fre- 
quently performed,  to  expose  the  false  taste  of  these  vota- 
ries of  folly,  of  whom  we  may  well  say, 

Tutte  le  pietre  non  sono  gemino. 

f  The  writer  was  well  acquainted  with  a  virtuoso,  who 
preserved,  with  the  most  scrupulous  care,  a  scrap  of  the 
robe,  found  in  the  coffin  of  King"  John,  at  Winchester;  who 
was  also  present  at  the  opening*  of  the  vault,  containing  the 
remains  of  Edward  the  Fourth:  on  which  occasion  he  tasted 
the  pickle,  found  in  the  leaden  receptacle  of  that  monarch, 
in  order  to  discover,  if  possible,  of  what  liquids  it  was  com- 
posed.  Oh,  what  a  relish! 

\  The  history  of  this  cup  must  ever  excite  a  smile  on  the 
countenance  of  individuals;  who  are  not  enslaved  by  this  ex- 
traordinary taste  for  relics  of  antiquity;  and  that  the  rea- 
der, therefore,  may  not  accuse  me  of  selfishness,  I  will,  in 
as  few  words  as  possible,  make  him  acquainted  with  the 
fact.  Mr.  Steevens,  who,  for  some  particular  reason,  did 
not  feel  any  great  predilection  for  the  Antiquarian  Society, 


OF  FOOLISH  ANTIQUARIES.  127 

Which,   doubtless,   from  th*  inscription,  held  his 

Rhenish  wine, 
Because  Shaksperian  Steevens  carv'd  himself  the 

line. 

caused  a  cup  to  be  constructed  of  stone,  on  which  he  en* 
graved  some  rude  Saxon  characters,  apparently  intimating, 
from  broken  syllables,  that  it  was  the  vessel,  out  of  which 
Hardi  Knute  used  to  drink  to  his  knights  at  his  round  table. 
This  vessel,  by  the  manceuvres  of  Mr.  Steevens,  was  con- 
veyed to  Somerset  House,  for  the  inspection  of  the  learned 
body  of  antiquaries,  after  undergoing  every  necessary  trans- 
figuration, to  give  it  the  appearance  of  having  imbibed  the 
mould  of  age,  the  solemn  hue  of  antiquity.  Upon  this  cup 
the  erudite  Mr.  Pegge  wrote  a  very  elaborate  and  learned 
disquisition,  stamping  it,  indelibly,  the  vessel  of  Knute; 
after  which  it  was  returned  to  Mr.  Steevens,  through  the 
channel  which  he  had  made  use  of  in  order  to  pass  off  his 
hoax.  When  that  gentleman,  having  thus  gained  his  end, 
most  inhumanly  published  the  whole  transaction  to  the 
world;  still  augmenting  his  barbarity,  by  properly  constru- 
ing the  lines  engraven  on  the  vessel,  which  proved  no  other 
than  a  most  biting  satire  on  the  Society  he  had  thus  im- 
posed upon.  Among  the  impostors  of  this  nature  should  not 
be  omitted  the  Rowleian  Chatterton,  and  the  Shaksperian 
Ireland,  whose  memories  will  live  as  long  as  old  chests  and 
old  manuscripts  stand  on  record.  ' 


128  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Old  stones,  bones,  coffins,  without  number, 
Pots,  pipkins,  pans,  such  kitchen  lumber ; 
Old  chain,  mail,  armour,  weapons  rusty, 
Coins,*  medals,  parchment,  writings  musty: 
Yet,  after  all  antiques,  not  one  compare  I  can 
To  that  most  rare  of  all,  an  antiquarian. 

*  A  very  curious  story  is  related  of  a  collector  of  old 
coins,  who,  after  displaying  his  valuable  store  to  some  ama- 
teurs, suddenly  missed  a  rare  gold  piece,  of  the  Emperor 
Carusius,  which  had  peculiarly  attracted  the  attention  of 
his  visitors,  when,  instantly  securing"  the  door  of  the  apart- 
ment, he  made  the  fact  known,  and  requested  that  the  gen- 
tlemen would  turn  their  pockets  inside  out,  in  order  to  sa- 
tisfy him  that  it  was  not  in  either  of  their  possessions.  Each 
of  the  visitors,  anxious  to  vindicate  himself  from  the  charge 
of  theft,  instantly  acquiesced  with  the  desire  of  the  collec- 
tor, who,  not  finding  his  coin  by  this  means,  proceeded  to 
acquaint  the  company  that  he  must  be  under  the  necessity 
of  administering  a  strong  purgative  to  each  party,  which 
was  accordingly  ordered,  notwithstanding  the  most  vehe- 
ment opposition  on  all  sides;  when  wrought  upon  by  this 
vigorous  mode  of  attack,  one  of  the  amateurs,  at  length, 
.  confessed  that  he  had  been  unable  to  resist  the  powerful 
temptation:  and,  as  he  wanted  that  coin  only  to  render  his 
series  complete,  he  had  literally  taken  the  opportunity  of 
swallowing  it,  in  the  hope  of  bearing  away  the  prize;  so 


N  OF  FOOLISH  ANTiqUARIES.  129 

l'envoy   OF   THE   POET. 
O!  let  me  counsel,  friend— For  modern  art, 
And  British  genius  should  not  be  forgot. 
'Twere  hard  if  Wedgewood  could  not  act  his  part, 
And  vie  with  Greek  or  Roman  ch-mb-r  p-t. 

that  after  evacuation  he  might  be  enabled  to  place  it  in  his 
own  repository.  It  is  almost  needless  to  add,,  that  the  injured 
collector  did  not  suffer  this  swallower  of  emperors  to  quit 
his  mansion,  until  Carusius  had  passed  the  great  ordeal, 
and  once  more  tasted  the  joys  of  light  and  liberty. 

By  way  of  sequel  to  the  above,  the  reader  should  be  in- 
formed, that  shortly  after  the  fact  here  related  had  taken 
place,  an  old  acquaintance  of  this  purging  collector  de- 
manded the  cause  which  had  instigated  him  to  adopt  so  ex- 
traordinary a  method;  when  he  confessed,  that  upon  a  for- 
mer occasion  he  had  himself  pursued  a  similar  expedient, 
in  order  to  become  possessed  of  a  scarce  coin,  which  was 
deficient  in^his  assortment;  and  that,  well  knowing  from  ex- 
perience that  nothing  less  than  a  smart  dose  would  have  im- 
mediately brought  forth  the  hidden  treasure  from  his  own 
bowels,  he  had  consequently  pursued  that  plan,  on  finding 
that  his  lost  treasure  was  not  concealed  in  the  external  ac- 
coutrements of  his  visitors, 


ISO  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS.- 


THE  POET  S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[      131     ] 


SECTION  XXXII. 


0F  FOOLS  WHO  DELIGHT  IN  THE  CHASE. 

L'asino  si  cognosce  all'  orecchie, 

Mounted  on  horse  an  ass  now  see? 
That  puts  his  life  in  jeopardy, 

Because  his  only  care 
Is  o'er  pale,  ditch,  and  gate  to  leap ; 
And  gallop  down  the  hill  that's  steep : 

And  all  for  what?— A  hare. 

'Tis  nobly  done :  with  hounds  a  score, 
And  horsemen  too  as  many  more, 
To  chase  the  timid  deer  :* 

*  In  the  Lives  of  the  Saints,  we  are  informed  that  Hu- 
bert, the  hunter,  became  a  convert  to  fasting  and  p/ayer, 
from  a  stag's  appearing  before  him,  while  following  the 
sports  of  the  field,  with  a  crucifix  between  his  antlers.  As 
to  the  truth  of  this  legend  the  writer  knows  nothing;  but, 


132  l^HE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

To  list  thy  brutal,  senseless  cry, 
When  dogs  condemn  the  prey  to  die. 
Already  dead  with  fear. 

Or,  up  before  the  chant  of  cocks, 
I  view  thee  run  the  cunning  fox  ;* 
When  mark  the  sudden  check : 


at  the  same  time,  conceives,  that  were  such  deer  more  com- 
mon in  the  present  day,  they  might  deter  many  fools  from 
acts  of  cruelty,  which  too  forcibly  bring  to  recollection  the 
beautiful  cogitations  of  Jacques  on  the  wounded  stag,  in 
Shakspeare's  As  you  like  it. 

To  the  which  place  a  poor  sequester'd  stag, 
That  from  the  hunter's  aim  had  ta'en  a  hurt, 
Did  come  to  languish;  and,  indeed,  my  lord, 
The  wretched  animal  heav'd  forth  such  groans, 
That  their  discharge  did  stretch  his  leathern  coat 
Almost  to  bursting;  and  the  big,  round  tears, 
Cours'd  one  another  down  his  innocent  nose, 
In  piteous  chase. 

*  That  a  lover  of  field  sports  may  not  want  for  a  dinner, 
after  one  of  these  hard  runs,  I  would  advise  him  to  adopt 
the  plan  of  the  Huns,  who,  according  to  Ammza?ius  Mar- 
eellinus. 

"  Hunii  semicruda  cujusvis  pecoris  carne  vescunturt 
quam  inter  femora  sua  et  equorum  terga  subsertam,  fotu 
calefaciunt  brevi.— — Or,  to  quote  Butler: 


OF  SPORTING  FOOLS.  133 

I  see  thee  thrown  in  dire  alarm ; 
Snap  goes  a  leg,  a  rib,  an  arm : 
Or,  what's  less  dear,  thy  neck.* 

This  is  not  all  thy  foolery  : 
Guilty  thou  art  of  cruelty, 

Where  most  thou  shouldst  refrain  :f    ' 


His  countrymen  the  Huns, 

Did  use  to  stew  between  their  bums, 
And  their  warm  horses'  backs  their  meat, 
And  ev'ry  man  his  saddle  eat. 

*  Although  the  poet,  in  the  above  line,  has  conveyed  a 
most  bitter  sarcasm  on  the  amateurs  of  the  chase,  we  can- 
not but  reflect  with  pain  on  the  untimely  end  of  the  late 
amiable  and  refined  Marquis  of  Tavistock,  whose  death  w^ts 
occasioned  by  a  fall  from  his  horse  while  hunting',  which 
melancholy  event  soon  occasioned  also  the  demise  of  his  no 
less  amiable  lady.  Nor  can  the  writer  but  reflect  with  sor- 
row on  the  dreadful  effects  which  the  same  diversion  has 
produced  in  the  person  of  the  present  Lord  D-rh-st:  not  to 
mention  innumerable  other  instances  of  a  similar  nature, 
of  which  there  are  living  testimonies,  who  are  not  only 
rendered  objects  to  the  view  of  others,  but  are  an  unceasing 
burden  to  themselves. 

t  It  has  been  the  misfortune  of  the  writer  to  experience 
what  is  termed  a  good  chase ;  and  never  were  his  feelings 

O 


134  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Nay,  thine  is  also  cowardice  ; 
For  noble  minds  disdain  such  vice  ; 
Nor  give  the  pow'rless  pain. 

more  shocked  than  to  witness  the  piercing-  cries  of  the  timid 
hare,  when  the  ravenous  hounds  darted  on  their  inoffensive 
prey.  As  to  the  much  vaunted  music  of  a  pack,  it  may  do 
very  well  for  gentlemen,  whose  ears  are  enamoured  of  no 
softer  tones  than  those  which  resound  from  the  blacksmith's 
hammer,  or  the  united  brayings  of  a  dozen  asses.  But  for 
the  writer,  who  rather  pretends  to  have  a  little  music  in  his 
soul,  he  is  so  tasteless  on  the  score  of  yelping"  curs,  as  to 
find  in  the  sounds  nothing  but  dissonance  and  vile  harsh- 
ness. As  the  annotator  has  been  speaking  of  cruelty,  he  can- 
not but  add  a  few  words  on  the  score  of  cocking,  which 
generally  claims  the  attention  of  sportsmen ;  than  which  no 
pursuit  can  possibly  prove  more  repugnant  to  the  mind  of 
feeling  and  sensibility;  and  when  it  is  remembered  that  the 
great  cockfighter,  Mr.  Ardesoif,  in  revenge  for  his  bird 
having  lost  him  a  main,  literally  roasted  the  unfortunate 
creature  alive;  it  will  not  be  said,  that  the  poet  has  over- 
stretched the  bounds  of  truth  in  speaking  of  the  callosity 
of  those  minds  which  are  swayed  by  pursuits   f  this  nature. 


of  sporting  fools.  135 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

As  custom  will  each  mental  bane  ensure, 

Root  from  thy  soul  the  rank,  corrosive  weeds ; 

Nor,  for  thy  pastimes,  make  the  weak  endure 
Those  pangs  that  stain  thy  heart  with  savage 
deeds. 

the  poet's  chorus  to  fools. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[      136     J 


SECTION  XXXIII. 

©F  FOOLS  WHO  PRETEND  TO  DESPISE  DEATH. 

Summam  nee  metuas  diem,  nee  optes. 

And  all  our  yesterdays  have  lighted  fools 
The  way  to  dusty  death. 

The  senseless  fool,  who  oft  delights 
To  laugh  at  all  religious  rites, 

And  ridicule  the  grave : 
Will,  when  the  hour  of  death  draws  near 
Find  all  his  courage  end  in  fear, 

And  be  no  longer  brave.* 

*  Shakspeare,  in  Measure  for  Measure,  has  delivered  the 
horrors  that  oppress  the  mind,  on  contemplating*  death,  in 
so  beautiful  a  style,  that  the  writer  conceives  no  apology 
rfecessarv  for  the  introduction  of  the  lines  under  this  head: 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  DESPISE  DEATH.  1ST 

Like  gay  Voltaire,*  whose  shafts  of  wit 
Religion's  sacred  altars  hit, 
And  oft  would  death  defy ; 

Claud.  Death  is  a  fearful  thing*. 

Isab.    And  shamed  life  a  hateful. 

Claud.  Ay,  but  to  die,  and  go  we  know  not  where  \ 
To  He  in  cold  obstruction,  and  to  rot : 
This  sensible,  warm  motion,  to  become 
A  kneaded  clod;  and  the  delighted  spirit 
To  bathe  in  fiery  floods  ;  or  to  reside 
In  thrilling  regions  of  thick  ribbed  ice, 
To  be  imprison'd  in  the  viewless  winds, 
And  blown  with  restless  violence  round  about 
The  pendent  world;  or,  to  be  worse  than  worst 
Of  those,  that  lawless  and  incertain  thoughts 
Imagine  howling! — 'tis  too  horrible! 
The  weariest  and  most  loathed  worldly  life, 
That  age,  ache,  penury,  and  imprisonment 
Can  lay  on  nature,  is  a  paradise 
To  what  we  fear  of  death, 

*  This  verse  of  the  poet  is  not  only  applicable  to  the  re- 
nowned and  free  thinking  Voltaire,  but  may,  with  equal 
justice,  be  applied  to  the  Rev.  Dr.  Dodd,  who,  in  his  writ- 
ings, held  up  to  derision  all  idea  of  terror  at  the  contempla- 
tion of  futurity;  yet,  when  condemned  himself,  by  the  dread 
behest  of  justice,  no  individual  ever  evinced  less  firmness, 
on  encountering  his  doom,  than  did  that  unfortunate  de« 

02 


138  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Who,  when  he  drew  his  dying  breath, 
Although  he'd  scoff 'd  at  God  and  death. 
An  atheist  dar'd  not  die. 

Thus,  many  a  modern  wit  gives  birth 
To  blasphemy  and  wicked  mirth, 

While  health  and  pleasure  reign; 
But,  sick  in  body,  weak  in  mind, 
These  proud  philosophers*  soon  find 

Their  tenets  all  are  vain. 

iinquent,  to  whom  the  following  lines  from  Rowe's  Fair 
Penitent  may  be  well  applied. 

Set*  Hast  thou  e'er  dar'd  to  meditate  on  death  ? 
Cat  I  have,  as  on  the  end  of  shame  and  sorrow. 
Sci.  'Tis  not  the  stoic's  lessons  got  by  rote, 

The  pomp  of  words,  and  pendent  dissertations, 
That  can  sustain  thee  in  that  hour  of  terror: 
Books  have  taught  cowards  to  talk  nobly  of  it: 
But,  when  the  trial  comes,  they  stand  aghast. 

*  It  is  no  very  difficult  matter  to  deride  that  which  we 
have  not  experienced:  but,  in  order  to  meet  the  blow  of 
death  with  becoming  calmness,  we  should  ever  keep  the 
words  of  Fergus  in  remembrace,  who  saith, 

Vive  memor  lethi ! 
in  which  concentrates  more  sterling  good,  than  all  the  boas- 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  DESPISE  DEATH*  139 

For  pious  hope  alone  bestows 

The  cordial  drop  which  heals  our  woes ; 

To  which  this  thought  is  giv'n, 
That,  when  life's  stormy  voyage  is  o'er, 
Death  steers  us  to  some  peaceful  shore. 

To  taste  the  joys  of  heav'n. 


L  ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

That  man,    good    sense    with  idiot  name  would 
brand, 

Who,  void  of  food  and  raiment,  journey 'd  far: 
Do  thou  prepare  for  that  same  unknown  land; 

Nor,  by  neglect,  thy  soul's  bright  prospects  mar. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  let  folly  rear  her  whip, 
For  tho'  but  few,  some  fools  will  man  my  ship. 

ted  arguments  of  philosophers  can  inculcate ;  whose  dying1 
moments  have,  generally  speaking,  given  the  lie  to  their 
professions  while  living. 


L    uo   ] 


SECTION  XXXIV. 


OF  DISCONTENTED   FOOLS. 

Diruit,  sedificat,  mutat  quadrata  rotundis. 

He*  bears  a  fardel  on  his  back, 
And  sets  his  mind  upon  the  rack, 

*  It  is  difficult  to  discriminate  to  what  class  of  men  this 
folly  is  most  applicable,  as  they  all  partake  of  it  in  a  certain 
degree;  and  are  so  thoroughly  convinced  of  their'weakness 
on  this  score,  as  to  allow,  that  the  more  they  have,  the  more 
they  want :  travellers  are  peculiarly  the  slaves  of  this  tem- 
perament of  mind,  as  the  globe  itself  is  insufficient,  to  grati- 
fy their  thirst  after  inquiry:  nor  can  a  finer  lesson  be  dis- 
played than  De  Foe's  Robinson  Crusoe,  which  is  a  most 
finished  picture  of  the  instability  of  the  human  intellect.  But 
navigators  are  not  more  unsettled  than  what  are  denomina- 
ted men  of  science,  whose  labours  have  no  termination,  and 
whose  brains  are  eternally  conjuring  up  new  speculations, 
which  are  too  frequently  hazarded  without  the  warranty  Of 
reason. 


OF    DISCONTENTED  FOOLS.  141 

Toiling  for  that,  which  when  attain'd, 
He  cares  not  if  he'd  never  gain'd ; 
Finding  what  most  deserv'd  caressing, 
Unworthy  even  the  possessing. 

Whose  primitive  tradition  reaches 
As  far  as  Adam's  first  green  breeches : 
Deep  sighted  in  intelligences, 
Ideas,  atomes,  influences; 
And  much  of  Terra  Incognita, 
Th'  intelligible  world  can  say. 

Much  has  been  said  of  the  female  part  of  the  creation,  in 
speaking  of  this  folly ;  nevertheless  I  must  candidly  affirm, 
that  I  do  not  perceive  any  feature  so  prominent  in  women, 
as  to  brand  them  more  than  their  lords  with  this  failing;  and 
if  we  talk  of  affection,  which  is,  perhaps,  one  of  the  noblest 
characteristics  of  the  human  mind,  the  feminine  part  of  crea- 
tion undoubtedly  claims  pre-eminence  over  the  male.  Where 
can  we  find  more  extraordinary  instances  of  heroism,  than 
have  been  displayed  by  women  who  have  been  actuated  by 
love  for  men  in  misfortune :  they  generally  give  proofs  of 
possessing  a  greater  portion  of  equanimity :  and,  in  the 
hour  of  success,  the  same  fervor  of  passion  animates  their 
bosoms :  while  men,  yielding  to  the  fascinations  of  pleasure, 
as  universally  waver  from  the  fixed  principle  which  honour, 
duty,  and  gratitude  claim  at  their  hands.  In  fine,  the  page 
of  history  displays  one  unvarying  proof  of  the  discontented 


142  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

What  most  his  folly  doth  augment* 

Exciting  peevish  discontent, 

Is  to  attain  each  point  desir'd, 

Without  opponent  being  fir'd 

To  battle,  for  the  destined  treasure  ; 

For  therein  most  consists  its  pleasure. 

As  April  rays,  the  wav'ring  mind 
Shows  fair,  concealing  foul  behind : 
One  hour,  determin'd  not  to  vary; 
The  next  enacting  quite  contrary : 
Ending,  at  last,  with  pangs  augmented  j 
Unsteady  still  and  discontented. 

and  unsteady  humour  of  mankind;  kings  would  be  gods; 
lords  would  be  kings:  every  captain  would  prove  an  Alex- 
ander; and  every  beggar  an  independent  gentleman:  and 
yet,  if  it  were  possible  to  change  their  several  stations  at 
pleasure,  a  something  would  still  be  wanting  to  realize 
the  scene  of  fancied  happiness ;  and  it  is  therefore  most 
cerv.M,  that  he  who  knows  and  enjoys  the  least,  approxi- 
mates the  nearest  to  that  most  envied  of  earthly  states — 
Content. 

'     Vn  certo  e  meglio  che  died  incerti. 


OF  DISCONTENTED  FOOLS.  143 

l'envoy   OF   THE   POET. 

Curb,  in  thy  bosom,  ev'ry  changeful  thought ; 

And  o'er  thy  wishes  hold  the  steady  rein , 
JFor  he  who's  fancy's  fool,  is  folly  fraught ; 

Grasping  mere  phantoms  of  his  idiot  brain. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[      144     ] 


SECTION  XXXV. 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  GO  TO  LAW  FOR  TRIFLES. 

Cum  licet  fugere,  ne  quaere  litem* 

The  fool,  who  doth  at  trifles  claw ; 
And  to  obtain  'em  goes  to  law : 
Yet,  having  met  with  sad  disaster, 
Applies  to  heal  it,  blister  plaster. 
The  remedy  near  fails  to  stick 
Upon  his  head,  so  wond'rous  thick. 
For,  if  with  law*  you  once  begin, 
'Twill  strip  the  poor  man  to  the  skin : 

*  Time  hath  been  when  this  nation  was  priest  ridden,  but 
now  we  are  law  ridden.  Not  that  the  professional  gentle- 
men are  so  much  to  blame ;  for  it  is  their  province  to  exist 
on  the  folly  of  others:  and  if  mankind  will  squabble  about 
straws,  lawyers  are  in  the  right  to  profit  by  their  want  of 
reason.  As  for  my  own  part,  I  perfectly  agree  with  the  old 
French  proverb,  "  Bon  avocat,  mauvais  voisin  ;"  and  will 
endeavour  to  profit  by  the  advice,  while,  it  shall  please  Hea- 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  GO  TO  LAW.  145 

And  from  the  rich  alike  will  steal 
Enough  to  make  the  client  feel. 

ven  to  make  me  a  sojourner  on  this  side  of  the  grave.  Mer- 
ciful powers!  How  much  do  I  feel  pity  for  that  fool  who,  as 
Butler  saith, 

Believes  no  voice  fan  organ, 
So  sweet  as  lawyer's  in  his  bar  gown; 
Until,  with  subtle  cobweb  cheats, 
They're  catch'd  in  knotted  law,  like  nets: 
In  which,  when  once  they  are  imbrangled, 
The  more  they  stir,  the  more  they're  tangled: 
And,  while  with  purses  can  dispute, 
There's  no  end  of  th'  immortal  suit. 

In  the  rolls  of  parliament,  A.  D.  1445,  is  a  petition  from 
the  commons  of  two  counties,  showing,  that  the  number  of 
attorneys  had  increased  from  eight  to  twenty -four,  whereby 
the  peace  of  those  counties  had  been  greatly  interrupted 
by  suits  :  the  commons,  therefore,  petitioned  that  it  may  be 
ordained,  that  there  shall  be  no  more  than  six  common  at- 
torneys for  Norfolk,  six  for  Suffolk,  and  two  for  the  city  of 
Norwich.  Any  other  person,  acting  as  an  attorney,  to  for- 
feit 20.?.  They  granted  the  prayer  of  the  petition,  provided 
the  judges  thought  it  reasonable! 

Widow  Blackacre,  in  Wycherley's  excellent  comedy  of 
The  plain  Dealer,  is  a  most  finished  picture  of  this  species 
of  folly.;  neither  can  the  writer  refrain  from  noticing  the 
anecdote  of  a  noble  peer,  who  complained  to  a  friend,  that 

P 


i  16  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS, 

Just  like  the  sheep  that,  in  a  storm, 
Sought  'neath  the  hedge  a  covert  warm ; 
And  there,  from  rain  and  wind  defended, 
He  waited  till  the  storm  was  ended  ^ 
Then  bleated  out  a  thousand  thanks, 
And  bounded  blithe  to  sunny  banks : 
But  found,  though  shelter'd  from  the  wind, 
Part  of  his  fleece  was  left  behind. 
Thus,  bramble  like,  we  find  that  law, 
When  once  a  fool  gets  in  its  jaw, 


he  had  a  blood  horse  so  excessively  spirited,  as  to  defy  all 
attempts  at  breaking  In;  and  that  no  place  was  sufficiently 
strong"  to  contain  him.  "  Say  not  so:"  replied  the  gentle- 
man, "  do  you  but  put  him  in  the  Court  of  Chancery,  and 
I'll  be  bound  he  will  never  get  out  again."  Alexander  Ste- 
vens, in  his  Lecture  on  Heads,  used  also  to  relate  the  face- 
tious story  of  Bullam  versus  Boatum,  which  was  a  very 
fair  sarcasm  on  this  kind  of  legal  warfare :  for  no  country 
can  boast  more  obstinacy  and  folly,  on  litigious  points, 
than  my  own  native  island. 

Le  litti  non  generanto,  mai  amicizia. 
The  subjoined  paragraph  will,  it  is  conceived,  prove  a 
further  elucidation  of  the  poet's  meaning: 

The  following  was  copied  from  the  New  Jersey  Journal: 
"  To  be  sold,  on  the  8th  of  July,  131  suits  in  law,  the  pro- 
perty of  an  eminent  attorney,  about  to  retire  from  business. 
Note,  the  clients  are  rich  and  obstinate!" 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  GO  TO  LAW.  47 

Though  from  the  theft  he  saves  his  coat, 
'Twill  steal  the  pound,*  and  leave  the  groat. 

*  If,  previous  to  a  consultation  with  an  attorney,  a  man 
would  give  a  few  moments  to  calm  reflection,  he  would  fre- 
quently save,  not  only  his  property,  but  what  is  far  more 
valuable,  his  peace  of  mind:  for,  in  the  course  of  legal  in- 
vestigations, it  is  astonishing  how  many  unforeseen  circum- 
stances the  parties  have  to  encounter;  what  with  witnesses 
being  fooled  by  counsel,  or  having  rather  deaf  consciences, 
and  juries  swayed  by  prejudice,  or  the  glib  tongue  of  the 
pleader,  it  becomes  a  very  dubious  point,  even  in  the  clear- 
est case,  who  will  come  ofT  the  victor:  and  it  also  very 
frequently  happens  that  the  vanquished,  unable  to  pay  ex- 
penses, surrenders  himself  to  a  gaol,  leaving  the  gainer  to 
liquidate  all  costs,  and  solace  himself  with  the  imprison- 
ment of  his  adversary;  who,  after  a  period,  calls  upon  him 
for  the  daily  stipend  of  sixpence ;  in  failure  of  the  payment 
of  which  the  plaintiff  gives  the  defendant  his  liberty. 

For  witnesses,  like  watches,  go 

Just  as  they're  set,  too  fast  or  slow, 

And  where,  in  conscience,  th'  are  strait-lac'd, 

?Tis  ten  to  one  that  side  is  cast. 

Do  not  your  juries  give  their  verdict, 

As  if  they  felt  the  cause,  not  heard  it? 

And,  as  they  please,  make  matter  of  fact 

Run  all  one  side,  as  they're  packt? 

Nature  has  made  man's  breast  no  nvindores, 

To  publish  what  he  does  within  doors, 


148  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS> 


L  ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

Take  special  care ;  nor  cavil  naught: 
For,  though  a  favourable  verdict's  giv'n; 

Thou'lt  own  revenge,  though  sweet,  is  dearly 
bought, 
To  find  thyself  and  poverty  just  even. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis* 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis, 


[   ^  3 


SECTION  XXXVL 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  PROVIDE  NOTHING  IN  YOUTH  TQ 
LIVE  IN  AGE. 


—  I've  learn' d  tha.  Tearful  commenting 

Is  leaden  servitor  to  dull  delay; 

Delay  leads  impotent  and  snail-pac'd  beggary, 

.    The  insect  gay,  that  takes  its  flight, 
'Midst  summer's  rosy  bowers ; 
And  drinks  the  pearly  dews  of  night, 
From  bells  of  nectar'd  flowers \ 

In  airy  circlets,  light  and  gay, 

On  golden  winglet  flies; 
Enjoys  the  solar  beams  of  day, 

And  in-the  ev'ning  dies. 

Thus,  oft  in  fancy's  fairy  dreams, 

Man's  gay  pursuits  subside: 

P2 


150  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

And  youth  is  spent  in  festive  scenes, 
Which  ne'er  for  age  provide.  * 

*  No  set  of  fools  require  less  commisseratlon  than  those 
at  present  under  our  review;  for,  notwithstanding  the  hour- 
ly proofs  of  the  insufficiency  of  age  in  every  instance  which 
requires  animal,  and  too  frequently,  mental  exertion,  we 
find  the  impulse  of  folly  counteract  each  sober  dictate  of 
reason;  as  if  by  rushing  into  excess,  we  were  to  invigorate 
the  system;  and,  by  dissipating  in  youth,  we  hoarded  up  for 
age.  There  is,  however,  a  medium  between  that  over  wari- 
ness which  contaminates  the  mind  with  avarice,  and  the 
prodigality  which  beggars  him  who  dissipates;  for  it  has 
afforded  matter  for  much  disquisition,  which  of  the  two  is 
most  prejudicial,  the  penurious  man,  or  the  spendthrift:  and, 
notwithstanding  the  ills  resulting  from  the  latter,  it  is,  ne- 
vertheless, a  received  opinion,  that  the  former  is  most  inimi- 
cal to  the  interests  and  well  being  of  society.  It  is  the  pro- 
vince of  every  man  to  remember,  that  if  a  duration  of  life  be 
granted  him,  he  must,  of  necessity,  become  old;  and  that 
his  youthful  powers  are  not  only  accorded  to  him  for  the 
present  enjoyment,  but  to  ward  against  the  evils  of  want  in 
future:  for  he  who  is  incapable  of  assisting  either  himself 
or  others,  will  find  but  a  cold  reception  from  the  world;  and, 
like  the  drone  in  the  hive,  be  turned  adrift,  as  unworthy  the 
protection  of  the  industrious  and  the  frugal.  I  shall  now  re- 


OF  IMPROVIDENT  FOOLS.  i5- 

For  oft  o'er  penury's  sparing  board, 
When  old,  the  spendthrift  sighs; 

And  mighty  man,  creation's  lord, 
A  poor  ephem'ron  dies. 

late  a  fact  respecting  another  species  of  fools,  who  may  be 
classed  under  this  head,  and  whose  history  was  as  follows. 
A  man  finding  himself  possessed  of  so  many  hundred 
pounds,  when  at  the  age  of  forty,  took  it  into  his  head  that  he 
should  just  live  to  attain  his  64th  year;  and,  under  this  con- 
viction he  calculated  how  much  would  be  sufficient  for  his 
annual  expenditure;  which  having  accomplished,  he  divided 
and  subdivided  his  gold  into  the  number  of  portions,  mak- 
ing his  last  farthing  to  be  gone  on  the  completion  of  the 
stipulated  age  of  64.  Now,  it  so  happened,  that  he  not  only 
lived  to  the  above  period,  but  fulfilled  his  73d  year;  conse- 
quently, for  the  last  nine  years  of  his  existence,  being  left 
pennyless,  he  had  recourse  to  charity;  and  was  never  known 
to  fail  in  attending  on  London  bridge,  which  was  his  place 
of  stand,  where  he  appeared  with  a  placard  on  his  breast, 
whereon  he  had  written,  these  words,  "  Wrong  in  my  calcu- 
lation" Which  inscription,  on  account  of  its  singularity, 
used  to  attract  the  attention  of  passengers,  who,  on  hearing 
this  story  from  the  lips  of  the  self-convicted  fool,  used  to 
drop  their  mite,  and  profit  by  the  instruction. 


152  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

l'envoy  OF    THE  POET. 

And  does  the  summer's  radiance  quite  dispel 

All  thought  of  winter's  chilling  blast  from  thee? 
Go  brainless  dolt,  and  banish  famine  fell: 
Thy  lesson  learn  from  the  industrious  bee. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


£     153     ] 


SECTION  XXXVII 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  ARE  IN  LOVE. 


Amare  et  sapere  vix  Deo  conceduntur. 

These  stand  indeed  confess'd  for  fools  in  mind, 
Since  they  select  for  guide  a  child*  that's  blind; 

*  How  shall  I  find  words  to  convey  a  just  idea  of  the 
matchless  power  and  folly  of  this  little  blind  urchin  ?  what 
kingdoms  has  he  not  overthrown,  what  mighty  men  have 
not  been  subjugated  to  his  will!  Alexander  for  his  Thais 
burned  the  famed  city  of  Persepolis.  Marc  Antony  for 
Cleopatra,  bartered  the  dominion  of  the  world.  Love  can 
transform  wisdom  into  folly,  and  turn  reason  into  madness: 
it  will  make  the  hundred  eyes  of  Argus  as  blind  as  their 
resemblance  on  the  peacock's  tail ;  or  lead  in  rosy  bands  the 
fierce  and  strong  Cyclops  famed  workmen  of  the  Lem- 
man  Isle;  it  will  burn  as  fierce  in  Friezeland  as  under  the 
line,  and  animate  the  breast  of  stone :  it  is  the  unquenchable 
furnace  of  the  brain,  a  firebrand  in  the  blood — Woe  be  unto 
the  man  that  cherisheth  it:  for  it  will  engender  naught  but 
folly. 


154  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

And  sigh  and  pine  and  mope  like  idiots  stupid, 
Talking  of  flames  and  darts,  and  cruel  Cupid. 
These  are  your  mad  folks  that  will  hang  and 

drown, 
If  either*  should  requite  a  smile  with  frown; 
Who  boast  pure  passions,  such  as  angels  cherish, 
Passions  which  satedf  soon  are  found  to  perish. 

For,  what  my  fools,  is  this  celestial  fire, 

This  boasted  ray,  save  animal  desire ; 

For  when  in  youthful  vigour  fulf  it  rages, 

While  time's  chill  torpid  hand  the  flame  assuages, 

*  As  to  the  whims  of  lovers,  they  are  innumerable,  being 
as  capricious  in  fancy  as  the  winds  of  March,  or  the  show- 
ers of  April;  their  bickering's,  however,  prove  of  no  very 
serious  consequence,  for  Terence  has  emphatically  said, 
Amantium  irse  amoris  redintegratio  est. 

■j-  In  the  above  line,  and  throughout  the  following  stanza, 
the  poet  very  suddenly  humiliates  the  celestial  properties 
of  love,  and  makes  him  but  a  dependent  on  carnal  gratifica- 
tion: but  as  there  seems  a  degree  of  impiety  in  his  remark, 
I  beg  leave  to  be  excused  from  venturing  any  opinions  upon 
the  subject. 


OF  FOOLS  IN  LOVE.  155 

A  pretty  face,  or  well  turn'd  shape  will  raise, 
These  idiots'  passions,  and  create  a  blaze 
More  raging  far  than  furnace,*  which  they  tell  us, 
The  Cyclops  kindled  when  they  blew  their  bel- 
lows. 

Then  naught  is  heard  but  sighs  and  vows,  till 

•soon, 
Marriage  brings  on  the  billing  honey  moon  ;f 

*  Speaking*  of  the  power  of  this  divinity  over  all  human- 
kind, Voltaire  thus  expressed  himself  in  two  lines  to  be 
graven  under  the  Statue  of  Love. 

Qui  que  tu  soit,  voici  ton  mattre, 
II  est,  le  fut  ou  le  doit  etre. 
And  Butler  makes  his  Hudibras  conclude  the  heroical  Epis- 
tle to  his  Lady  in  these  words. 

Subscrib'd  his  name,  but  at  a  fit 
And  humble  distance,  to  his  wit; 
And  dated  it  with  wondrous  art, 
Givnfrom  the  bottom  of  his  heart. 
Then  seal'd  it  with  his  coat  of  love, 
A  smoking  faggot — and  above, 
,     Upon  a  scroll — /  bum  and  weep, 
And  near  it — For  her  Ladyship. 

i  In  order  to  cool  a  little  this  connubial  phrenzy^we  will 
quote  an  anecdote  of  Rosso  the  Italian  Poet,  who  in  the 


L56  THE  SKIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Which  pass'd,  no  more  is  heard  of  oaths  and 

dying, 
Love*  shakes  his  wings,  and  forth  from  window's 

flying. 

memoirs  of  his  life,  written  by  himself,  states,  that  he  was 
extremely  happy  in  two  marriages:  for  his  first  wife  was 
dumb,  and  his  second  blind;  but,  adds  the  bard,  my  third  is 
neither  one  nor  t'other! 

Neither  should  be  omitted  the  following  remark  of  a  very 
observant  and  clever  man. 

Louis  XIV.  one  day  asked  the  Marshal  Uxelles  why  he 
did  not  marry?  "  Why,"  said  the  blunt  soldier,  "  Sire,  I 
have  not  yet  found  the  woman  of  whom  I  would  wish  to  be 
the  husband,  nor  the  child  of  whom  I  would  wish  to  be  the 
father." 

*  There  is  most  assuredly,  infinite  force  in  this  line  of  the 
poet,  which  obviously  alludes  to  the  third  stanza  of  the  pre- 
sent section,  and  if  indeed,  we  consider  the  point  minutely, 
and  measure  the  whole  by  the  standard  of  the  conduct  of 
married  people  in  general,  there  certainly  appears  some- 
thing like  reason  in  the  conclusion  drawn  by  the  poetaster, 
who  seems  to  indicate,  that  love  is  no  other  than  desire, 
notwithstanding  all  its  votaries- swear  to  their  mistresses 
point  blank  to  the  contrary. 


OF  FOOLS  IN  LOVE.  157 

Some  fools  there  are,  who  prate  of  love*  platonic, 
Just  like  the  secret  fam'd  of  tribe  masonic  ; 
A  secret  of  such  note,  that  those  who  win  it, 
Find  for  their  pains  that  there  is  nothing  in  it. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

Let  not  mere  face  and  form  thy  sense  subdue, 
For,  though  desire  may  blind  thee  for  a  season, 

The  mind  can  only  stamp  affection  true, 
By  permanently  sealing  love  in  reason. 

*  At  length  our  son  of  Apollo  has  let  the  cat  out  of  the 
bag*,  for,  if  he  turns  platonic  love  into  ridicule,  he  doubtless 
means  to  aver,  that  without  sexual  intercourse,  nothing  can 
exist  but  friendship  and  esteem,  thereby  rendering  love  a 
gross  desire  instead  of  an  heavenly  emanation,  and  treating 
it  with  as  much  nonchalance  as  if  he  was  speaking  of  eat- 
ing, drinking,  sleeping,  &c.  &c  yet  what  is  to  be  said  of 
Heloise,  who  was  to  be  content  with  nothing,  and  "  to 
dream  the  rest;"  surely  our  poet  must  allow  himself  in 
error,  if  a  lady  of  such  a  temperament  as  we  are  given  to 
understand  she  possessed,  could  be  satisfied  in  this  easy 
manner;  though  I  must  confess,  that  he  would  confound  me, 
did  he  ask  what  damsels  of  the  present  period,  would  think 
of  such  a  namby  pamby  svstem. 

Q 


\5S  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[     *59     3 


SECTION  XXXVIII.  • 


©F  FOOLISH  ASTRONOMERS  AND  STARGAZERS. 

For  in  much  wisdom  is  much  grief:  and  he  that  increase 
eth  knowledge,  increaseth  sorrow. 

Here's  one,  that  rears  his  thoughts  on  high, 

And  makes  a  ledger  of  the  sky; 

That  he  may  read  the  planet's  motions ; 

Deducing  thence  strange  whims  and  notions ; 

Demonstrating  at  once  with  ease, 

The  moon's  not  made  of  Cheshire  cheese.* 

Or  now  he  shows,  from  certain  reasons, 
Th'  approaching  changes  of  the  seasons ; 

*  Fontaine's  fable  on  the  effects  of  star-gazing,  is  not 
inapplicable  to  this  section;  who  makes  his  Astronomer 
consider  a  planet  for  such  a  length  of  time,  that,  totally 
unmindful  of  his  situation,  he  steps  into  a  well,  at  whose 
brink  he  had  taken  his  station.  And  the  satirist  Butler,  no 
less  exposes  the  folly  of  these  pretended  Savons,  when  he 
causes  the  acute  Sidrophel  to  mistake  a  lanthorn  at  a  kite's 
tail,  for  some  newly  discovered  comet. 


160  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

How  weather  will  become  precarious, 
When  Sol  shall  enter  in  Aquarius ; 
Or  gemaHieat  produce  before  us,* 
The  budding  flow'rs  when  he's  in  Taurus. 

Then  will  he  calculate,  and  from  it 
Tell  ye,  when  next  shall  come  a  comet ; 
With  tail  more  fine  than  coachmen  *s  whips, 
Or  else  will  speak  of  Sol's  eclipse  ; 
All  this  he  makes  a  common  trade  of, 
Yet  knows  not  what  the  comet's  made  of. 

*  Nothing  can  better  expose  the  ridiculous  folly  of  pre* 
tending  to  understand  by  the  stars,  the  events  which  are  to 
happen  to  mankind,  than  the  following  inimitable  Hne3; 

There's  but  the  twinkling  of  a  star, 

Between  a  man  of  peace  and  war; 

A  thief  &rA  justice  >  fool  and  knave, 

A  huffing  officer  and  slave, 

A  crafty  lawyer  and  pickpocket, 

A  great  philosopher  and  a  blockhead, 

A  formal  preacher  and  a  player, 

A  leam'd  physician  and  rnanslayer; 

As  if  men  from  the  stars  did  suck. 

Old  age,  diseases,  and  ill-luck; 

Wit,  folly,  honour,  virtue,  vice, 

Trade,  travel,  women,  cl — ps  and  dice ; 

And  draw  with  the  first  air  they  breathe. 

Battel  and  murther,  sudden  death* 


OF  FOOLISH  ASTRONOMERS,  3cC  161 

Of  wind  he'll  speak,  yet  can't  disclose, 
From  whence  it  comes,  or  where  it  goes ; 
To  regions  unexplor'd  he'll  guide  us, 
Finding  at  length  a  Georgium  Sidus ; 
And  having  other  worlds  made  known, 
Dies,  knowing  nothing  of  his  own.* 

What  though  tow'rd  Sol  the  glass  you  bend, 
His  nature  you  can't  comprehend  ;t 
Or,  if  you  did,  what  would  accrue, 
I  pr'ythee,  friend,  to  me  or  you ; 
Why,  both  must  die,  and  leave  behind, 
What  serves  nor  us,  nor  humankind. 

*  The  great  Newton,  after  all  his  researches  into  the  re- 
gions of  heaven,  wrote  a  treatise  on  the  Revelations;  and 
the  philosophic  Boyle,  whose  mind  soared  sbove  all  vulgar 
prejudices,  nevertheless  quitted  the  tract  he  had  so  long 
pursued,  in  order  to  pen  his  Meditations,  which  were  after- 
wards so  ably  satirized  by  Dean  Swift,  who  inscribed  his 
production  "  Meditations  on  a  Broom  Stick"  But  what 
avails,  let  me  ask,  all  this  boasted  research  ?  Socrates,  with 
his  intense  study,  affirmed,  that  all  he  knew  was,  that  he 
knew  nothing-,  while  Pyrrho,  the  founder  of  scepticism,  al- 
leged that  he  knew  nothing,  not  even  this,  that  he  knew  nothing  ; 
so  much  for  the  subtilization  of  the  schools,  and  the  refine- 
ment on  philosophy. 

f  This  is  most  assuredly  what  may  be  termed  a  dead  hit 
on  the  part  of  our  poet,  who  hath,  in  the  above  line,  struck 

Q2 


162  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS* 


L  ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

Hold,  hold,  vain  man,  nor  let  thy  simple  brain, 
In  fruitless  labour  human  life  bestow ', 

'Mid  endless  space  to  journey  is  but  vain, 
Thy  finite  brain  suits  better  things  below, 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

at  the  root  of  Astronomy,  the  research  into  which  has  never 
yet  enabled  us  to  comprehend  the  properties  of  that  great 
luminary  of  heaven,  although  some  learned  fools  have  af- 
firmed, that  it  consists  of  fire,  and  others  have  stated  it  to 
be  the  effect  of  attraction  and  reflection,  while  Anaxagoras, 
the  Clazomenian  philosopher,  gravely  asserts,  that 

The  Sun  was  but  a  piece 

Of  red  hot  iron,  as  big  as  Greece: 
Believed  the  heavens  were  made  of  stone, 
Because  the  Sun  had  voided  one: 
And,  rather  than  he  would  recant 
Th'  opinion,  suffered  banishment. 

Diogen.  Laert.  speaking  of  the  opinions  of  Anaxagoras., 
thus  expresses  himself: 


€F  FOOLISH  ASTRONOMERS,  &C.  163 

Anaxgoras  affirmabat  Solem  czuidensjerrum  esse,  et  Pe- 
Joponesso  majorem :  Lunam  habitacula  in  se  habere,  et  col- 
les,  et  valles.  Fertur  dixisse  eoelum  omne  ex  lapidibus  esse 
compositum;  damnatus  et  in  exilium  pulsus  est,  quod  impie 
solem  candentem  laminam  esse  dixisset.  In  Aristotle  de  calo, 
we  find,  that  some  Astronomers  were  of  opinion,  that 
the  heavens  were  held  up  like  a  top,  being*  kept  in  constant 
circulation.  Plato  believed,  that  the  Sun  and  Moon  were 
below  all  other  planets;  and  the  Egyptians  have  informed  us, 
that  the  Sun  has  twice  shifted  its  rising  and  setting;  still, 
all  is  as  it  was,  the  Sun  riseth,  the  Sun  setteth,  it  giveth 
light,  and  is  the  nourisher  of  vegetation ;  and  be  it  what  it 
may,  it  still  is,  and  will  ever  be,  what  I  denominate,  the 
Sun.  This  I  call  stating#  facts  which  bid  defiance  even  to 
scepticism. 


I      16*     J 


SECTION  XXXIX. 


OF  FOOLISH  ALCHEMISTS. 

Ars  est  sine  arte,  cujus  principium  est  mentiri,  medium 
laborare  et  finis  mendicare. 

Lo  here's  the  fool  whose  cogitation, 
Will  prove  all  metals'  transmutation  ;  * 
Producing  gold  from  worthless  lead, 
O!  could  he  but  transmute  his  head; 
The  labour  might  repay  his  pains, 
Storing  his  empty  skull  with  brains. 


*  The  professor  of  Alchemy  very  shrewdly  pretends, 
first  to  make  gold,  second  to  discover  an  universal  medicine 
or  '^panacea,  and  third,  an  universal  dissolvent,  or  alkahest; 
the  success  which  has  attended  these  endeavours  I  leave  to 
the  discovery  of  others,  as  my  province  alone,  consists  in 
proving  him  by  his  labours,  in  every  respect,  entitled  to  the 
rank  of  fool;  which  is  accomplished  with  little  difficulty, 
when  it  is  remembered,  that  if  the  alchemist  produces  gold, 
it  is  at  a  greater  expense  than  the  ore.  is  intrinsically  worth, 
while  his  panacea  and  dissolvent  are  yet  in  embryo,  notwith- 
standing all  the  study,  labour  and  expense  bestowed  upon 
the  research. 


OF  FOOLISH  ALCHEMISTS.  165 

O'er  crucible  he  hangs  delighted, 
In  hopes  to  find  his  toil  requited ; 
Building  fine  castles  in  the  air, 
When  gold  shall  recompense  his  care ; 
And  give  to  his  delighted  view, 
The  treasures  of  the  fam'd  Peru.* 

Thus  freely  having  wealth  expended, 
He  finds  when  all  his  labour's  ended ; 
That  time  and  gold  alike  are  lost, 
Since  dross  repays  him  for  his  cost ; 
'Spite  of  experience  still  he's  bent, 
To  try  some  vain  experiment. 

*  Many  fools  have  been  led  astray  by  the  fascinating  hope 
of  making  gold,  and,  among  the  rest,  Mrs.  Thomas,  the 
authoress,  and  intimate  friend  of  Pope,  better  known  by  the 
appellation  of  Corinna,  is  not  to  be  forgotten;  who  was,  for  a 
long  time,  persuaded  to  place  dependence  on  an  Alchemist, 
who  asserted  his  skill  to  be  such,  as  to  have  attained  to  the 
summit  of  this  extraordinary  science;  yet,  let  it  not  be  sup- 
posed, that  the  lady  was  made  the  depository  of  all  these 
wonders  gratis;  on  the  contrary,  she  paid  dearly  for  peep- 
ing, having  in  return  for  the  advance  of  her  palpable  coin, 
nothing  but  the  mere  shadow  expectancy,  which  terminated 
as  it  began,  in  nothing;  to  this  lady,  as  well  as  to  all  fools  who 
yield  to  this  madness,  we  may  use  the  old  Italian  proverb; 
Non  fidatevi  al  alchemista  povero,  6  al  medico  ammalato. 


166  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS, 

Thus  coining  for  himself  new  troubles, 

He  sets  afloat  such  airy  bubbles, 

As  boys,  from  pipes,  with  suds  will  make,  sir, 

Which  float  a  second,  and  then  break,  sir. 

So,  fool,*  be  wise,  to  reason  list, 

Shun  dross  for  sense— thou  Alchemist. 

*  Although  I  may  not  be  exactly  correct,  in  jumbling  As- 
trology with  Alchemy,  yet  their  relationship  on  the  score  of 
probability  and  possibility  is  such,  that  I  cannot   refrain 
from  speaking  under  this   section,  of  the  renowned  black 
art,  concerning  which,  Voltaire,  in  his  satirical  poem  of  the 
Pucelle  D'Orleans,  gives  these  lines, 
De  plus  grand  clerc  en  sorcellerie, 
Savant  dans  Part  en  Egypte  sacr£, 
Dans  ce  grand  art  cultive  chez  les  mages, 
Chez  les  Hebreux,  chez  les  antique  sages; 
De  nos  savans  dans  nos  jours  ignore, 
Jours  malheureux!  tout  a  degenere. 
A  very  remarkable  instance  of  this  study  is  recorded  in 
the  person  of  Cornelius  Agrippa,  whose  dog,  on  account  of 
some  antics  which  he  had  taught  the  animal  to  play,  was 
supposed  to  be  his  familiar  spirit;  but  the  author  of  Magia 
Adamica,  took  infinite  pains  to  vindicate  both  the  master 
and  the  dog  from  this  vile  aspersion,  and  Cornelius  himself, 
on  account  of  the  vulgar  prejudices  which  prevailed  against 
him,  was  subjected  to  the  most  rigorous  persecutions,  in- 
somuch, that  he  in  the  end  found  out  his  folly,  and  wrote  a 
treatise  on  the  Vanity  of  all  Human  Science.    But  this  po- 


OF  FOOLISH  ALCHEMISTS.  167 

l'envoy  OF  THE  POET. 
The  silly  man,  whose  labour  is  but  vain, 

And  still  will  persevere  to  understand ; 
Is  like  a  fool,  who  sows  his  golden  grain, 

Expecting  crop,  tho'  from  the  barren  sand. 

THE    POET'S    CHORUS    TO   FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

pular  odium  is  not  to  be  wondered  at,  when  we  recollect, 
that  the  period  of  ignorance  and  superstition  denominated 
every  thing,  and  every  body,  above  mortality,  which  posses- 
sed knowledge  superior  to  the  vulgar  comprehension:  thus 
we  find  that  most  of  the  gods  of  the  ancients,  from  being 
originally  proficients  in  different  arts  and  sciences,  were, 
after  their  demise,  exalted  to  the  rank  of  immortals.  Friar 
Bacon,  in  the  reign  of  Edward  I.  was  supposed  to  be  in  league 
with  the  devil;  Robert  Grcsthead,  bishop  of  Lincoln,  in  the  time 
of  Henry  III.  was,  on  account  of  his  learning,  deemed  a 
conjurer,  and  degraded  by  Pope  Innocent  IV.  and  Galileo, 
the  astronomer,  for  venturing  to  affirm  that  the  Sun  was  a 
fixed  body,  and  that  the  earth  moved,  endured  captivity  for 
A  series  of  years  in  the  Inquisition;  but  speaking  of  the  Oc- 
cult Sciences,  we  may  say  of  its  student,  that 


168  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

He  had  been  long  t'wards  mathematics, 
Optics,  philosophy,  and  statics; 
Magic,  horoscopie,  astrologie, 
And  was  old  dog  zXphisiologie; 
But,  as  a  dog  that  turns  the  spit, 
Bestirs  himself,  and  plies  his  feet, 
To  climb  the  wheel,  but  all  in  vain, 
His  own  weight  brings  him  down  again. 

Nor  ought  we  to  conclude  this  note,  without  applying  the 
words  of  our  immortal  bard,  who  thus  expresseth  himself  in 
King  Lear.  "  This  is  the  excellent  foppery  of  the  world,  that, 
when  we  are  in  sick  fortune  (often  the  surfeits  of  our  be- 
haviour) we  make  guilty  of  our  disasters  the  sun,  the  moon, 
and  the  stars;  as  if  we  were  villains  on  necessity;  fools  by 
heavenly  compulsion;  knaves,  thieves,  and  treacherous, 
by  spherical  predominance:  drunkards,  liars,  and  adulte- 
rers, by  an  inforced  obedience  of  planetary  influence;  and  all 
that  we  are  evil  in,  by  a  divine  thrusting  on.  An  admira- 
ble evasion  of  whore-master  man,  to  lay  his  goatish  dispo- 
sition on  the  charge  of  a  star!  My  father  compounded  with 
my  mother  under  the  Dragon's  tail,  and  my  nativity  was 
under  Ursa  major;  so  that  it  follows,  I  am  rough  and  leche- 
rous. I  should  be  what  I  am,  had  the  maidenliest  star  in  the 
firmament  twinkled  on  my  bastardizing." 


C    16*   3 


SECTION  XL. 

OF  THE  VAIN  BOASTING  OF  FOOLS. 

Whoso  boasteth  himself  of  a  false  gift,  is  like  clouds  and 
wind  without  rain. 

Here's  one,  who  talks  as  much  of  knowledge. 

As  any  big  wig  at  a  college  ; 

And  thinks  himself  of  wits  the  pillar, 

With  the  assistance  of  Joe  Miller ; 
But  as  for  Latin,  Hebrew,  Greek, 
One  word  he  can,  nor  read,  nor  speak.* 

*  The  garrulity  of  this  class  of  fools  is  so  universally 
heard  in  the  present  day,  that  it  is  hardly  possible  to  fre- 
quent a  company  without  finding  yourself  pestered  to  death 
by  one  of  these  leeches;  who,  to  gratify  his  self-enamoured 
fancy,  sucks  away  every  particle  of  your  good  temper,  thus 
depriving  you  of  the  little  pleasure  which  you  had  imagined 
the  society  might  afford;  this  brings  to  mind  these  lines  in 
the  Merchant  of  Venice: 

"  Gratiano  speaks  an  infinite  deal  of  nothing,  more  than 
any  man  in  all  Venice:  his  reasons  are  as  two  grains  of  wheat 
hid  in  two  bushels  of  chaff,  you  shall  seek  all  day  ere  you 
find  them,  and  when  you  have  them,  they  are  not  worth  the 
search." 

R 


170  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS, 

Or,  if  the  German  you  are  praising, 
His  knowledge  of  that  tongue's  amazing; 
As  well  as  Spanish,  French,  Italian, 
He'll  carve  to  boot  like  a  Pygmalion ; 

And  for  painting,  he  can  show, 

Designs  more  grand  than  Angelo. 

His  wealth,  if  any  friend's  relating, 
Of  Funds  and  Bank  Stock  he'll  be  prating ; 
Or  if  you  speak  of  some  lord  knowing, 
Three  dukes  tow'rd  him  are  favours  showing ; 
And  with  respect  to  Cupid's  darts, 
None  ever  smote  so  many  hearts. t 

*  No  matter  how  difficult  the  art  or  science  may  be,  the 
fool  is  equally  au  fait  at  every  thing,  so  that  ninety-nine 
men  out  of  the  hundred,  only  enact  the  part  of  Bobadil  in  dif- 
ferent ways.  Merciful  Heaven!  what  instances  of  this  pre- 
sumptuous folly  have  I  not  been  the  witness  of,  until  my 
very  bowels  have  yearned  within  me!  I  had  nearly  forgotten 
a  curious  instance  of  literary  vain  boasting,  which  appear- 
ed some  time  since  on  the  title  of  a  book  written  by  a  Ger- 
man Professor,  who  absolutely  thus  worded  the  nature  of 
his  treatise. 

"  Observations  on  all  things  and  several  other  things  be- 
sides." But,  to  conclude,  from  all  such  men,  "  Good  lord 
deliver  me!" 

f  To  here  the  poor  fool  prate  of  riches,  or  the  loathsome 


t)F  THE  VAIN  BOASTING  OF  FOOLS.  271 

But,  to  be  brief,  the  theme  is  naught,  sir, 
In  self  commending  he's  so  fraught,  sir; 

object  talk  of  consequences  in  love  affairs,  is  a  species  of 
vain  boasting  so  palpable,  as  to  draw  down  pity  and  con- 
tempt on  the  wretch  who  practises  it;  yet,  show  me  the  man 
possessed  of  the  smallest  share  of  discernment,  who  has  not 
been  a  witness  of  this  enormous  folly;  nay,  and  in  the  latter 
case  particularly,  it  is  to  be  observed,  that  the  plainest  in- 
dividuals are  the  loudest  in  boasting:  such  men  very  much 
remind  me  of  a  baboon  who  should  watch  his  beautiful  mis- 
tress attiring  herself,  and  afterwards  have  recourse  to  the 
same  methods,  in  order  to  adonize  his  repulsive  figure, 
which  will  appear  to  him  equally  bewitching,  when  reflect- 
ed in  the  mirror,  though  all  other  eyes  but  his  own  perceive 
the  deformity,  and  laugh  in  their  sleeves  at  his  consummate 
vanity.  It  is,  notwithstanding,  very  requisite  in  this  note, 
that  I  should  say  a  few  words  by  way  of  apology  for  this 
latter  class  of  fools,  who  are  certainly,  in  some  respects  en- 
titled to  indulge  in  their  propensity,  on  account  of  the  extra- 
ordinary taste  evinced  by  many  ladies  of  ton  at  the  present 
era,  who  being  possessed  of  every  requisite  that  is  desirable 
in  a  husband,  will  frequently  (for  the  sake  of  diversity,  I 
suppose)  intrigue  with  a  being,  not  only  contemptible  in 
person,  but  debased  in  mind.  To  adduce  instances  would 
be  fruitless;  however,  a  late  crim.  con.  action  is  a  sufficient 
testimony  of  the  justness  of  this  remark. 

Onore,  e  vergogna  sela  donna  liperde  mai  li  ritrova, 


172  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

That  none  in  boasting  can  out  vie  him, 
Or  to  speak  plainer,  friend,  outlie  him  ;  • 
For  if  you'd  dare  him,  it  is  odds, 
He'd  claim  alliance  with  the  gods. 

l 'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Fruitless  are  all  our  efforts,  all  our  pains, 

Perfection  in  one  science  none  can  boast ; 
He  surely  then  is  fool,  who  still  maintains, 

That  o'er  all  excellence  he  rules  the  roast. 

*  FalstafPs  relation  to  the  Prince  of  Wales,  may  be  so 
well  applied  to  these  fools,  that  I  cannot  refrain  from  quo- 
ting his  words: 

Hen.  O!  monstrous!  eleven  buckram  men  grown  out  of 
two! 

Fal.  But,  as  the  devil  would  have  it,  three  mis -begotten 
knaves  in  Kendal-green,  came  at  my  back,  and  let  drive  at 
me;  (for  it  was  so  dark,  Hal,  that  thou  couldst  not  see  thy 
hand). 

Hen.  These  lies  are  like  the  father  that  begets  them,  gross 

as  a  mountain,  open,  palpable, 

Why,  how  could'st  thou  know  these  men  in  Kendal- 

green,  when  it  was  so  dark  thou  couldst  not  see  thy  hand? 
Come,  tell  us  your  reason:  what  say'st  thou  to  this? — 
A  un  grand  bugiardo,  ci  vuol  buona  memoria. 


OF  THE  VAIN  BOASTING  OF  FOOLS.  173 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come*  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

R2 


174     1 


SECTION  XLI. 


OF  AMBITIOUS  FOOLS, 


Cupido  dominandi  cunctis  afTectibus  flagrantio?  est. 

As  sensual  appetites  in  men  we  find, 
Ambition's  but  the  glutton  of  the  mind ; 
That  gorges  worlds,  and  yet  sighs  out  for  more, 
As  famous  Alexander*  did  of  yore. 


*  The  folly  of  this  renowned  chief  is  handed  down  to  us, 
who  blubbered  in  sooth,  because  he  had  no  more  worlds  to 
conquer,  or  rather  because  he  could  cut  no  more  throats j 
•  for  I  should  like  to  know,  if  these  great  men,  your  Caesars, 
Hannibals,  Pompeys,  &c.  &c.  were  any  other  than  a  set  of 
licensed  robbers  and  murderers;  therefore,  well  has  a  reve- 
rend divine  said, 

One  murder  made  a  villain ; 
Millions  a.  hero.  Princes  were  privileged 
To  kill,  and  numbers  sanctify'd  the  crime. 

What  has  not  ambition  done,  and  what  will  it  not  undertake, 
to  attain  its  object?  read  but  the  annals  of  the  world,  nay, 
even  look  to  the  simple  relation  of  Spanish  barbarity  in 
Peru  and  Mexico;  in  short,  there  is  not  a  state  but  has  had 
to  show  its  aspiring  fools.  Yet  how  must  the  braggart 
Lewis  XIV.  have  been  humbled,  who  in  the  progress  of 


OF  AMBITIOUS  FOOLS.  175 

Ambition  is  a  ladder*  rear'd  on  high, 
Which  unsupported  reaches  to  the  sky; 
A  flight  that  none  but  fools  or  madmen  take, 
Who  in  ascending  wish  their  necks  to  break. 

his  glor}',  caused  a  medal  to  be  struck,  representing  (in  al- 
lusion to  himself)  the  sun  in  its  meridian  splendour;  but 
having  received  a  check  from  the  arms  of  King  William, 
at  that  time  Prince  of  Orange,  a  Dutchman  executed  a 
similiar  coin,  with  this  addition,  that  the  prince  of  Orange 
was  represented  as  Joshua  commanding  the  Sun  to  stand 
still.  Such  are  the  reverses  which  high  vaulting  ambition 
must  look  to ;  such  proved  the  downfal  of  a  Wolsey,  and 
may  such  be  the  declension  and  the  fate  of  that  Imperial 
fool,  whose  ambition  even  now  grasps  at  the  attainment  of 
universal  sway !  Abbraccia  tal  volta  la  fortuna  coloro,  che 
vuol  poi  aifogare. 

*  It  is  of  little  consequence,  whether  or  not  the  poet  had 
his  eye  upon  Shakspe are's  simile  in  the  above  line,  as  the 
beauty  of  our  dramatist's  words  it  is  hoped,  will  plead  the 
annotator's  excuse  for  their  introduction  here : 


'Tis  a  common  proof, 

That  lowliness  is  young  ambition's  ladder, 
Whereto  the  climber  upwards  turns  his  face ; 
But  when  he  once  attains  the  upmost  rounds 
He  then  unto  the  ladder  turns  his  back, 
Looks  in  the  clouds,  scorning  the  base  degrees 
By  which  he  did  ascend. 


176  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Ambition  is  a  gilded  bubble  bright, 
That  hoodwinks  sense  and  blinds  the  keenest  sight, 
A  specious  phantom,  deck'd  in  all  that's  fair, 
Which  when  embrac'd  evaporates  in  air. 

Ambition's  every  thing  so  long  as  sought, 

While  wish'd  for  matchless,   when  possess'd  but 

naught; 
'Tis  sunshine,  darkness, — gold  and  worthless  dross, 
The  wise  man's  scarecrow,  and  the  idiot's  loss.* 

*  With  all  deference  to  the  ideas  of  our  bard,  I  must 
nevertheless  alter  a  word  in  one  of  the  lines  given  by  him 
to  King  Richard, 

Great  fooU  have  greater  sins,  &c. 

For  certainly,  the  more  inordinate  the  ambition,  the  grea- 
ter the  fool  who  aspires  to  its  attainment;  when  even  throw- 
ing in  the  back  ground  all  those  break  neck  casualties,  of 
which  history  adduces  so  many  instances,  the  very  summit 
of  these  species  of  fbols'  glory,  will  not  enable  him  to  stifle 
the  yearnings  of  conscience,  to  ward  off  old  age,  to  shut 
out  pain,  and  escape  from  the  jaws  of  death;  if  such  be  the 
case,  I  will  not  only  say  cut  bono?  but  equally  answer  to  the 
cui  malo?  of  any  fool  that  shall  propose  the  question— by 
stating,  that  the  rapacious  mind  can  enjoy  no  ease,  and 


OF  AMBITIOUS  FOOLS.  177 

l 'envoy  OF  THE  POET. 
Weigh  thy  pursuits,  nor  trust  the  golden  toy, 

That  only  lures  thy  fancy  to  admire; 
The  drunkard's  pastime's  visionary  joy, 

The  ignis  fatuus  but  a  specious  fire. 

what  is  life  without  a  quiet  spirit?  Like  a  Sisyphus ,  the  am- 
bitious idiot  rolls  up  the  hill  the  ponderous  stone,  which 
sooner  or  later  must  recoil,  and  crush  him;  say  then,  what 
becomes  of  all  his  glory  ?  well  may  he  at  last  exclaim, 

Farewel; 

I've  touch'd  the  highest  point  of  all  my  greatness; 

And  from  that  full  meridian  of  my  glory, 

I  haste  now  to  my  setting.  I  shall  fall 

Like  a  bright  exhalation  in  the  evening, 

And  no  man  see  me  more. 

A  famous  .       who  might  truly  be  denominated  the 

modern  Semiramis  of  the  north,  was  a  striking  instance  of 
ambitious  folly,  who  did  not  scruple  to  connive  at  the  mur- 
der of  her  own  husband,  as  soon  as  she  had  grasped  the 
reins  of  power:  neither  can  I  forget  to  instance  the  famous 
Cromwell,  in  England,  who,  after  the  publication  of  Colo- 
nel Titus's  work  entitled  Killing  no  Murder,  was  in  such  a 
constant  state  of  apprehension  as  to  drive  his  own  coach  in 
disguise,  fearful  of  assassination ;  while  at  the  same  time, 
he  nightly  changed  his  bedchamber,  to  evade  the  blow  of 
the  assassin, 


[      178     ] 


SECTION  XLII. 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  BOAST  THEIR  ANCESTRY  AND 
PEDIGREE 

Et  genus  et  proavos,  et  quae  non  fecimus  ipsi 
Vi*  ea  nostra  voco. 

From  what  great  stock  dost  thou  boast  blood, 
From  Babel's  workmen  'fore  ithe  flood ; 

Or  else  from  Asiatic  ? 
Or,  dost  thou  spring  from  that  hot  shore, 
Which  rears  the  savage  black-a-moor, 

Who  boasts  the  dye  of  old  nick  ? 

Or,  art  thou  sprung  from  Roman*  race  ? 
Or,  canst  thou  to  the  Grecian  trace 
The  kindred  of  thy  daddy  ? 

*  It  is  said,  that  there  may  be  found  an  English  noble, 
whose  pedigree  goeth  back  even  unto  the  era  of  the  Roman 


OF  FOOLS  THAT  LOVE  PEDIGREES.  179 

Or,  art  thou  from  the  famous  seed 
Of  those  ivha  scratch  beyond  the  Tweed ; 
Or  else  Hibernian  Paddy  ? 

Or,  does  the  harper  e'er  rehearse 
Thine  ancestry,  in  Cambrian  verse, 

And  boast  thee  sprung  from  madam ; 
Whose  noble  ancestry  would  scorn 
The  thought  of  any  man  not  born 

Before  the  day  of  Adam?* 

emperors;  which  may  certainly  be  the  case;  as  we  find  some 
of  their  extraordinary  propensities  handed  down  to  the  pre- 
sent  period  in  his  own  person. 

*  The  Welshmen  are  proverbial  for  priding  themselves 
on  the  antiquity  of  their  origin;  to  whom  these  lines  of 
Shakspeare  may  well  be  applied : 

I  was  born  so  high, 

Our  airy  buildeth  in  the  cedar's  top; 

And  dallies  with  the  wind,  and  scorns  the  sun. 

This  love  of  pedigree  reminds  me  of  the  story  of  a  fool, 
who,  having  suddenly  acquired  wealth,  was  very  desirous 
of  armorial  bearings;  and,  for  that  purpose,  made  application 
to  an  herald,  in  order  to  know  whether  he  had  any  right 
to  a  coat  of  arms  ;  but  the  research  was  vain,  until  the  dea- 
ler in  pedigrees  inquired  whether  or  no  some  of  his  ances- 
tors had  not  rendered  themselves  conspicuous  by  any  nota- 


180  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Unrolling  thy  long  pedigree 
Of  honours,  fourscore  yards  I  see, 
Emblazon'd  bold  as  Tartars?* 

ble  feat :  to  which  the  fool,  after  some  consideration,  replied, 
that  his  father  certainly  had  made  himself  famous  by  escap- 
ing from  the  prison  of  Ludgate,  where  he  had  been  some 
time  confined  for  petty  larceny,  and  that  his  liberty  was  so 
effected,  by  his  parent's  having  affixed  a  cord  round  the 
neck  of  the  statue  of  King  Lud,  whfch  was  placed  over  the 
gateway,  and  by  which  means  he  let  himself  down. — "  'Tis 
well,"  exclaimed  the  herald,  "  I  can  now  draw  you  out  a 
pedigree  often  yards  long,  since  it  is  plain  that  your  father 
was  a  descendant  from  King  Lud." 

*  The  gentlemen  of  the  College  of  Arms  have  a  very 
happy  nack  at  emblazoning,  and  can  as  easily  produce  yards 
as  inches  of  pedigree,  which  tallies  perfectly  well  with  But 
ler's  lines : 

Nor  does  it  follow,  'cause  a  herauld 
Can  make  a  gentleman,  scarce  a  year  old, 
To  be  descended  of  a  race 
Of  ancient  kings  in  a  small  space ; 
That  we  should  all  opinion  hold 
Authentic^  that  we  can  make  old. 

Apropos,  as  we  are  touching  on  the  subject  of  heralds, 
t  will  not  be  amiss  to  say  a  f^w  words  respecting  their 
accoutrements  on  high  days  and  holidays ;  which  very  much 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  LOVE  PEDIGREES.  18) 

With  eagles  truss'd  ;  chevaux  de  frize  ; 
Your  rampant  lions ;  fleur  de  lis  ; 

And  bars,*  wound  round  like  garters. 

resemble  the  leathern  surtouts  of  brewers'  men,  on  the  gilt 
cock  and  breeches  of  Bartholomew  fair:  nay,  I  have  some- 
times thought  that  they  were  not  altogether  unlike  moving 
packing  cases:  at  all  events,  the  wearers  of  tabards  are 
usually  as  empty  headed.  But,  referring  once  more  to  their 
costume,  we  should  not  pass  over  unheeded  the  words  of 
Shakspeare,  who  makes  his  FalstafF  thus  ludicrously  de- 
scribe them:  "  There  is  but  a  shirt  and  a  half  in  all  my  com-- 
pany;  and  the  half  shirt  is  two  napkins  tacked  together, 
and  thrown  over  the  shoulders,  like  a  herald's  coat  without 
sleeves,  &.c." 

*  The  annotator  was  for  some  time  incapable  of  divining 
the  meaning  of  the  poet's  allusion,  till  the  pannel  of  a  ducal 
carriage,  one  day,  unravelled  the  mystery  in  the  following 
manner.  "  Being  lately  at  the  west  end  of  the  town,  a  very 
dashing  chariot  came  tearing  along  the  street,  and  just 
drew  up  to  the  portal  of  a  noble  mansion,  as  the  writer  was 
passing  it  with  a  friend.  The  shower  of  mud,  which  came 
like  hail  from  the  rapid  whirl  of  the  wheels,  caused  us  to 
halt;  and  one  of  the  footmen  vaulting  from  behind,  with  his 
long  cane,  which  maybe  well  termed  the  London  lacquey's 
augural  staff,  opened  the  carriage  door,  when  the  noble 
owner  stepped  forth,  regardless  of  the  dirty  pickle  in  which 
Jie  had  bedizened  us  plebeian  pedestrians.  "  That  is  the- 

S 


182  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Yet,  hold,  surmounting  all  the  rest, 
Appears  a  wondrous,  common  crest, 

To  all  thy  kindred  striking: 
For  they  alike  thy  symbols  bear, 
Bells,  ladle,  and  the  fool's  cap  wear, 

Insignias  of  their  liking. 


L  ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

Consumate  ass,  how  canst  thou  raise  thy  fame 
On  thoughts  of  pedigree  and  boasted  birth; 

The  noblest  title  is  an  honest  name  ; 

For,  after  all,  our  common  parent's  earth. 

Duke  of — ,"  exclaimed  my  friend.  "  Impossible," 

answered  I,  glancing  at  the  arms  emblazoned  on  the  pan- 
nel  of  the  vehicle,  where  I  could  perceive  no  bar  of  bastar- 
dy. "  Pshaw,"  replied  my  friend,  <(  your  heralds,  nowa- 
days, have  a  method  of  disposing  of  them,  so  as  to  draw  a 
veil  over  that  family  obloquy."  Upon  this  he  requested  me 
to  examine  the  arms  more  minutely,  which  I  accordingly 
did;  when  lo!  the  cloven  foot  appeared,  but  so  artfully 
wound  round  the  shield  in  form  of  a  garter,  as  to  take  away 
all  appearance  of  the  fatal  bar,  that  insignia  of  illegitimacy.. 
Thanks  to  the  contrivance  of  the  Collegians  of  Arms. 


OF  FOOLS  THAT  LOVE  PEDIGREES. 


THE  POETS  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Nayis. 


C     184     ] 


SECTION  XLIII. 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  PURSUE  UNPROFITABLE  STUt>Y, 

Learning,  that  cobweb  of  the  brain, 

Profane,  erroneous,  and  vain; 

A  fort  of  error  to  ensconce 

Absurdity  and  ignorance; 

By  making  plain  thing  in  debate, 

By  art,  perplext  and  intricate: 

For  nothing  goes  for  sense  or  light, 

That  will  not  with  old  rules  jump  right 

As  if  rules  were  not,  in  the  schools, 

Deriv'd  from  truth,  but  truth  from  rules. 

What  learned  doctors  of  the  schools 
Set  down  for  academic  rules, 
Serves  to  give  common  sense  the  phthisics ' 
Witness  disputes  on  metaphysics.* 

*  Aristotle,  the  famous  father  of  this  branch  of  philosophy, 
or,  as  others  call  it,  pneumatology,  seems  to  have  intended 
by  his  metaphysics,  a  species  of  natural  theology:  yet,  as 


OF  STUDIOUS  FOOLS.  185 

A  learned  wight,  who  folios  wrote  us, 

A  fam'd  disputant,  nam'd  Duns  Scotus,*  m 

in  all  cases  of  an  abstruse  nature,  the  several  votaries  of  this 
science  have,  in  some  measure,  varied  in  their  ideas  on  the 
subject,  for  instance,  Locke,  in  England,  and  Malebranche, 
in  France,  racked  their  brains  on  this  theme,  and  although 
more  perspicuous  than  the  ancients,  are  frequently  so  intri- 
cate in  their  reasonings,  as  to  send  common  sense  a  wool- 
gathering; so  that,  speaking  of  these  philosophers,  we  may 
well  exclaim  with  the  Roman,  they  are  but  "  deliramenta 
doctrinx:"  or,  to  quote  a  sentence  used  by  Mr.  Locke,  when 
he  considers  the  association  of  ideas,  "  I  conceive  that  such 
deep  men  of  the  schools  only  give  sense  to  jargon,  demon- 
stration to  absurdities,  and  consistency  to  nonsense;  and 
have  proved  the  foundation  of  the  greatest,  I  had  almost 
said,  of  all  the  errors  in  the  world." 

*  This  very  acute  metaphysician  and  logician,  surnamed 
Doctor  Subtilisy  most  assuredly  may  claim  the  wreath  of 
most  consummate  folly:  for,  what  with  speculative  ideas, 
such  as  the  poet  has  instanced  in  the  third  and  fourth  lines 
of  the  above  stanza,  which  alluded  to  corpuscular  philoso- 
phy, together  with  the  jargon  of  the  schools,  he  may  well 
be  said  arenearum  telas  texere,  while  he  intended  to  display 
the  art  of  reasoning  justly.  Yet,  soft,  why  do  I  dare  pre- 
sume to  rail  against  this  renowned  character,  whose  oratory- 
outvied  the  power  of  the  famed  Orpheus,  by  giving  anima- 
tion even  to  ftone,  without  instrumental  assistance:  for  we 

S2 


186  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

are  very  gravely  informed,  that,  while  Buns  Scotus  was 
haranguing  the  learned  doctors  of  the  day,  on  the  subject 
of  the  immaculate  conception  of  the  Virgin  Maty,  he  pointed 
to  the  stone  effigy  of  the  mother  of  our  Saviour,  placed  in 
the  church  of  Notre  Dame,  at  Paris,  upon  which,  in  token  of 
assent  to  the  position  of  the  speaker,  the  image  very  reverent- 
ly bent  its  body,  and  is  stated  to  have  ever  after  continued 
in  that  curbed  attitude.  Another  voluminous  writer  of  later 
date,  known  by  the  name  of  Dr.  Manton,  produced  in  this 
country  a  thick  folio  volume  of  commentaries  on  the  119th 
psalm;  to  the  reading  of  which  the  famous  Lord  Bolingbroke 
attributes  all  his  scepticism  on  religious  subjects :  and  in- 
deed, the  production  of  the  above  doctor  forcibly  brings  to 
mind  these  lines  of  Butler: 

Still  so  perverse  and  opposite, 

As  if  they  worshipp'd  God  for  spite. 

The  selfsame  thing  they  will  abhor 

One  way,  and  long  another  for: 

Quarrel  with  mi?ic'd  pies,  and  disparage 

Their  best  and  dearest  friend  plumb  porridge; 

Fat  pig  and  goose  itself  oppose, 

And  blaspheme  custard  through  the  nose. 

Th'  apostles  of  this  fierce  religion, 

Like  Mahomet's  were  Ass  and  Widgeon; 

As  if  hypocrisie  and  nonsense 

Had  gotth'  advowson  of  his  conscience. 

Dean  Swift,  in  speaking  of  the  folly  of  fast  days,  has  been 
equally  sarcastic  in  these  lines: 


OF  STUDIOUS  FOOLS.  1&7 

Hath  prov'd,  on  needle's  point,  t'amaze,  sir, 
That  countless  atoms  dance*  the  hays,  sir, 

And,  while  we  speak  of  him  a-pro-pos, 
Pedants  there  are  dubb'd  philosophos:f 

Who  can  believe,  with  common  sense, 
A  bacon  slice  gives  God  offence : 
Or,  that  a  herring  hath  a  charm, 
Almighty  vengeance  to  disarm. 

*  In  Erasmus's  Praise  of  Folly,  the  reader  may  find  the 
most  severe  sarcasms  on  these  subtle  fools,  whom  the  au- 
thor exposes  to  the  lash  of  the  most  pointed  ridicule;  nor 
will  Voltaire  be  found  less  acute  in  his  remarks;  who,  upon 
all  occasions,  took  delight  in  exposing  the  fallacy  of  such 
conceited  pedants,  whose  sole  aim  seems  to  have  consisted 
in  bewildering  their  own  and  other  people's  understandings. 
The  doctors  of  the  Sorbonne,  at  Paris,  who  were  esteemed 
the  most  acute  theologians,  are  very  justly  ridiculed  by 
Voltaire,  in  the  following  lines : 

On  fait  venir  des  docteurs  de  Sorbonne, 
Des  perroquets,  un  singe,  un  harlequin,  &c. 

f  The  most  fallacious  opinions  have  been  cherished  by 
numerous  individuals  of  late,  whose  tenets  not  only  proved 
destructive  of  religion  and  morality  in  France,  but  have 
equally  been  disseminated  on  this  side  of  the  Channel,  to 
the  detriment  of  a  great  portion  of  society:  and  certainly 
the  observation  of  Seneca  may  be  justly  applied  to  all  these 


188  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS, 

Who  swear  that  pain's  naught  but  conceit ; 
And  burning  coals  contain  no  heat.* 

They  laugh  to  scorn  what's  superstitious: 
And  as  for  acts  which  I  call  vicious, 
They  deem  not  so ;  for  they  would  free 
The  sinner  with — "  What  is,  must  be."f 

scourges  of  reason  and  common  sense,  who  says,  "  Distra- 
hit  animum  librorum  multitude?"  By  the  bye,  I  had  nearly 
forgotten  my  foolish  friend  Goropius  Becanus,  who  took  an 
infinity  of  pains  to  prove  that  High  Dutch  was  the  language 
which  Adam  and  Eve  spoke  in  Paradise. 

*  In  allusion  to  the  Stoics,  who  were  the  followers  of  Zeno, 
and  maintained  that  pain  is  no  real  evil ;  that  a  wise  man  is 
happy,  even  in  the  midst  of  torture,  &c.  ideas,  that  bring  to 
mind  the  words  of  Seneca,  who  says,."  The  more  subtile 
things  are  rendered,  the  nearer  they  approximate  to  no- 
thing." And  certainly,  all  such  definition  of  things  by  acts 
bears  the  closer  affinity  to  nonsense.  Aristophanes,  in  his 
Comedy  of  the  Clouds,  very  characteristically  introduces 
Socrates  and  Chctrephon^  as  taking  an  admeasurement  of  the 
leap  of  a  flea  from  the  beard  of  the^xme  to  that  of  the  other. 

f  This  is  assuredly  a  healing  plaster,  and  might  do  very 
well,'  if  unfortunately,  conscience  had  not,  some  how  or  other, 
been  made  a  tenant  of  the  human  breast,  whose  cries  will 


OF  STUDIOUS  TOOLS*  199 

They  write,  they  read,  their  study's  intense, 
And  read  and  write  whole  quires  of  nonsense:* 
For  'tis  the  burden  of  my  song, 
That  right  is  right,  and  wrong  is  wrong. 

We  hear  of  matter,  and  of  motion, 
While  chance^  is  now  the  reigning  notion, 
Such  tenets  fools  may  lead  astray: 
Yet  there's  one  God — Him  I'll  obey. 

be  heard,  notwithstanding  the  jargon  of  such  philosophers, 
I  would  say,  fools  !  Meglio  vale  esser  dotto  che  dottore* 

*  If  the  annotator  was  to  enter  upon  this  topic,  a  simple 
note  would  be  swelled  into  a  thick  volume:  so  numerous 
has  been  thi9  race  of  defilers  of  paper.  It  is,  however,  suf- 
ficient to  say,  that  their  ponderous  folios  may  be  found  at 
the  cheesemongers':  "  Yea,  even  unto  the  present  day. 

f  Whether  the  Supreme  Author  of  all  things  be  deno- 
minated God,  or  Nature,  or  Chance,  is,  to  my  mind,  a  mat- 
ter of  little  consequence,  so  that  his  existence  be  but  grant- 
ed in  its  full  extent;  for  a  mere  word  cannot  alter  the 
attributes  of  divinity.  Such,  however,  is  not  exactly  the 
case:  for  there  are  men  who  talk  of  chance,  under  a  differ- 
ent  impression,  though  they  are  incapable  of  comprehending 
it;  which,  after  all,  brings  the  matter  to  one  point;  and  the 
dispute  at  last  is  merely  whether  we  should  say  sheet  of 
leather,  or  leathern  shoes, 


190  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

l'exvoy  OF  THE  POET. 

This  fool,  in  blinding  reason  takes  delight ; 

For  thro9  an  endless  wilderness  he  rambles ; 
As  if  'twould  render  doubly  clear  his  sight, 

To  scratch  his  eyes  out,  rushing  midst  tho 
brambles. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  tQ  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[      191     ]. 


SECTION  XLIV. 


OF  FOOLISH  POETS  AND  AUTHORS. 


Tenet  insanabile  multos 


Scribendi  cacoethes,  aegroque  in  corde  senescit, 

To  sense  refin'd  vile  poetasters 
Act  like  adhesive  drawing  plasters : 
For  who  can  rhymes  reacf  with  prose  diction, 
And  not  feel  mental  crucifixion  ? 
Or  theme  heroic,  penn'd  in  bad  blank  verse  : 
Than  which,  on  earth,  no  torture  can  be  wrorse. 
And,  spite  of  this,  to  hear  the  wretched  poet 
Prate  of  Parnassus  like  the  A  me  who  know  it. 
Or  boast  of  draughts  from  clear  Pierian  springs ; 
Or  mounting  Pegasus,  famM  horse  with  wings  ; 
Excusing  every  fault  of  his  poor  wit,  sir, 
Crying— Poeta  nasciturj  nonjit,  sir.* 

*  Of  this  unfortunate  race  of  fools  there  have,  alas!  been 
>o  many;  and,  to  the  sorrow  of  Apollo,  and  the  Muses, 


192  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Or  what  can  prove  a  blister  more  severe, 
Than  quondam  author's  impudence  to  hear ; 
Whose  vile  productions  are  but  idle  vapour, 
Destructive  of  such  countless  reams  of  paper ; 
Fit  for  that  office,*  long  ordain'd  by  fate, 
Which  I,  from  decency,  refrain  to  state  : 

{here  is  still  an  abundance,  both  as  rhymesters  and  blanl* 
verse  composers:  not  to  lay  any  stress  on  the  score  of 
obscenity,  which  has  been  published  by  these  gentlemen, 
to  the  detriment  of  morality,  there  are,  literally  productions 
of  this  nature,  which  neither  display  one  spark  of  the  fire 
of  imagination,  nor  even  a  trace  of  the  composition,  so  re- 
quisite in  all  poetic  effusions.  To  every  rhymester  of  this 
class,  I  advise  the  selection  of  themes,  similar  to  those 
which  follow,  for  the  trial  of  his  skill  in  versification. 

He  would  an  elegy  compose, 

On  maggots,  squeez'd  out  of  his  nose  ; 

In  lyric  numbers  write  an  ode  on 

His  mistress  eating  a  black  pudden; 

And,  when  imprison'd  air  escap'd  her, 

It  puft  him  with  poetic  rapture. 
To  all  such  dabblers  in  the  puddles  of  Parnassus,  I  will 
content  myself,  with  saying,  in  the  words  of  Boiicau, 
Pauvre  gens,  je  les  plains,  car  on  a  pour  les  foux, 
Plus  de  pitie  que  de  corroux, 

*  Supposed,  in  allusion  to  the  offerings  presented,  of  ne- 
cessity, at  the  altars  of  the  renowned  goddess,  Cloacina. 


Ot  FOOLISH  POETS.  193 

For  vendors*  now  of  books  do  not  aspire 
To  publish  sense,  but  nonsense,  by  the  quire. 

*  Having  annotated  the  theme  of  our  bard,  as  far  as  re- 
lates to  the  mushroom  tribe  of  poets  and  authors,  who 
have  of  late  years  sprung'  up,  it  would  be  highly  culpable 
in  me  not  to  say  something  on  the  score  of  publishers;  as  I 
shall,  by  this  means,  put  the  other  two  classes  of  fools  into 
better  humour  with  me  than  they  enjoy  in  the  present  in- 
stance. 

It  is  necessary,  in  the  first  place,  to  remark,  that  printers 
and  publishers  were,  formerly,  one  and  the  same  thing; 
while  it  must  be  added  that  their  scientific  knowledge  was 
extensive,  and  not  circumscribed,  as  at  the  present  period, 
to  the  title  and  dimensions  of  a  work.  No  bookseller  thinks 
of  purchasing  a  production,  now-a-days,  without  sending  the 
MS.  to  be  perused  by  some  supposed  learned  critic  in  the 
back  ground,  who  is  payed  for  his  trouble,  whose  fiat  is 
irrevocable  with  the  dealer;  possessing  a  head,  in  most 
instances  as  thick  and  ponderous  as  the  binder's  hammer, 
which,  at  some  future  period,  belabours  the  publication, 
previous  to  its  adonization  in  morocco,  russia,  or  calf.  There 
is,  however,  no  rule  without  an  exception,  as  may  be  in- 
stanced in  a  famous  vendor  of  modern  made  books,  whom 
I  shall  denominate  the  great  Maecenas  of  literary  lumber. 
This  gentleman  arrogates  to  himself  exclusively  the  title  of 

T 


194  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

For,  as  to  wisdom  pure,  they  long  have  lost  her  i 
For  she  ran  raving  mad  in  Paternoster : 

author  and  book-maker  general;  as  no  work,  he  affirms, 
issues  from  his  warehouse,  which  had  not  only  received  his 
mere  sanction,  but  was  positively  planned  by  himself;  so 
that,  upon  all  occasions,  lie  converts  his  writers  into  labour- 
ers,  who  are  to  commit  his  sublime  conceptions  to  paper. 
Nervis  alienis  mobili  lignum. 
Therefore  it  is  no  longer  the  author  who  supports  the 
bookseller,  but  the  bookseller  the  author,  according  to  his 
maxim.  But  to  have  done  with  this  M&cenq^j  let  us  but 
glance1  our  eyes  from  Tower  Hill  to  Hyde  Park  Corner, 
and  where  shall  we  find  a  publisher  possessed  of  one 
genuine  spark,  connected  with  the  love  of  Les  Belles  Let- 
tres?  no  where  is  this  phoenix  to  be  found.  Genius  may 
go  hang  or  drown  itself,  while  the  execrable  trash  of  men 
of  fortune  and  rank  is  caught  at  with  avidity;  and,  being 
bedecked  with  margin  and  plates,  struts  into  the  world 
to  be  bought  by  fools,  whose  judgment  is  circumscribed 
to  the  love  of  Gewgav,  and  whose  reading  extends  no 
further  than  the  gold  tinsel  which  bedecks  the  bindings  of 
their  trumpery  purchase.  As  such,  O!  poets  and  authors* 
are  the  publishers  of  the  present  era,  no  wonder  that  your 
idiot  reveries    are  committed  to  the  press,  since    being 


OF  FOOLISH  POETS,  19$ 

And,  far  from  human  eyes,  mopes  melancholy, 
To  see  the  idiot  world's  consummate  folly; 
Which   in   her    stead,    chose    men    who    place 

reliance 
On     wire-wove    paper,     margin,     plates — not 

science.* 

yoke  fellows  all,  it  would  be  strange,  indeed,  to  find  the  fog! 
capable  of  discriminating  and  despising  his  brother's  folly, 

*  Not  to  lay  any  stress  on  the  voluminous  productions  of 
of  that  class  of  metaphysical  and  philosophical  fools,  men- 
tioned by  the  poet  in  the  foregoing  section,  there  are,  indeed, 
a  sufficient  quantity  of  a  different  species  to  warrant  these 
lines;  and  of  that  number  we  may  particularly  instance  the 
works  of  plagiarists,  which  are  incessantly  issuing  from  the 
press,  and  managed  with  so  little  skill  and  such  barefaced 
effrontery,  as  absolutely  to  create  astonishment.  This  ne- 
glect, however  on  their  parts,  may  be  construed,  in  some 
respects,  as  a  proof  of  their  knowledge  of  society,  as  it  is, 
which  contents  itself  with  the  froth,  the  saperface,  or  fly- 
away literature,  leaving  the  sterling  to  the  few  who  have 
minds  sufficiently  enlightened  to  profit  by  the  instructions 
they  contain.  Of  plagiarists  we  may  say  with  Jovius:  Cas- 
trant  alios,  ut  libros  sitos,  per  se  graciles,  alieno  adipe  sttffar- 
ciant.  With  respect  to  novels  and  romances,  they  are  of 
longer  standing  than  may  at  first  be  imagined:  not  to  men- 
tion ancient  metrical  romances,  the  Arcadia  of  Sir  Philip 


196  the  ship  of  fools. 

l'exvoy  of  the  poet. 

Ere  thou  aspir'st  to  rhyme,  and  stand  high  stilt 

on, 
Consult  a  Dryden,  Pope,  Shakspeare,  and  Milton ; 
And,  if  from  thence,  thou  feel'st  assur'd,  endite. 
So,  after  study  and  unceasing  toil, 
Vying  with  Locke,  Swift,  Newton,  Burton,  Boyle, 
Then,  authors,  pr'ythee,  wield  your  pens,   and 

write. 

Sidney,  written  in  the  reign  of  Elizabeth,  &c.  and  which  is 
justly  lashed  by  my  Lord  Orford,  who  calls  it  a  dull  pedan- 
tic production,  which  a  love -sick  maid  could  not  wade 
through,  we  have  other  instances  which  are  of  French  ex- 
traction; such  as  Cassandra,  The  Grand  Cyrus  of  madam 
Scudery,  Sec.  which  were  translated  into  English  by  sir 
Clement  Cotterel,  Loveday,  &c.  and  which,  doubtless,  led 
the  way  to  the  after  productions  of  a  similar  stamp,  and 
which  are  now  not  daily,  but  hourly  produced,  to  the  dis- 
grace of  modern  times.  These  reams  of  Leaden  Hall  lum- 
ber, though  issuing  under  the  auspices  of  a  Minerva,  are 
not,  however,  to  be  solely  condemned  on  the  score  of  non- 
sense, but  are  deserving  the  severest  lash  of  criticism,  on 
account  of  the  frequent  destructive  tendency  they  have  to 
the  morality  of  the  rising  generation,  which  reads  this  spe- 
cies of  production  with  such  marked  avidity. 


OF  FOOLISH  POETS.  197 

So  shall  the  poet  wreaths  unfading  wear, 
And  praise  immortal  crown  the  author's  care. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

T2 


[    198  3 


SECTION  XLV. 


OF  IMPERIAL  FOOLS. 


O,  but  man!  proud  man! 


Drest  in  a  little  brief  authority, 

Most  ignorant  of  what  he's  most  assur'd, 

His  glassy  essence;  like  an  angry  ape, 

Plays  such  fantastic  tricks  before  high  Heav'n, 

As  make  the  angels  weep. 

Come,  senseless  men,  and  view  your  god, 
Who  rears  on  earth  the  idiot's  rod, 

And,  prostrate  'fore  his  stool, 
Your  hands  and  hearts  at  once  upraise, 
To  sing  your  mighty  sovereign's  praise, 

The  great  imperial  fool.  * 

*  Who  can  peruse  the  annals  of  the  Roman  emperors, 
without  allowing  the  truth  of  this  remark;  as,  with  very  few 
exceptions,  their  reigns  were  characterized  with  murder, 
prodigality,  incest,  extravagance,  voluptuousness,  bestiali- 
ty, and,  in  short,  every  folly  and  vice  that  is  abhorrent  to 
human  nature.    As  to  the  emperor  who  made  a  consul  of 


OF  IMPERIAL  FOOLS.  199 

His  glitt'ring  crown,  his  purple  robe, 
His  massive  sceptre,  golden  globe, 

And  armed  legions  see; 
While,  bending  at  his  nod,  appear 
The  trembling  sons  of  palsied  fear, 

That  crouch  'fore  sov'reignty. 

Here  view  the  despot,  void  of  friend; 
For  here's  ambition  without  end, 

And  rapine,  blood,  and  fire; 
Here's  jealousy  and  direful  hate; 
Here's  too  the  wish  insatiate, 

That  would  at  heav'n  aspire.* 

his  horse,  he  can  s  carcely  be  denominated  a  fool;  as  that 
noble  animal  is,  most  assuredly,  deserving  any  dignity <> 
when  placed  in  the  company  of  a  set  of  asses. 

*  Many  instances  might  be  displayed  of  this  inordinate 
folly  in  imperial  idiots :  but  one,  which  particularly  stands 
on  record,  and,  at  the  present  moment,  occurs  to  my  recol- 
lection, is  adduceable  in  the  person  of  Alexander  the  Great, 
who  thought  fit  to  bastardize  himself,  by  assuming  a  cer- 
tain degree  of  heathenish  godhead,  in  pretending  to  derive 
his  being  from  the  great  Jupiter  Ammon. 


200  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Here's  public  smiles — thoughts  that  appal, 
External  state — internal  gall, 

With  grave -consigning  breath: 
Yet,  while  condemning  to  the  rack, 
He  views  not,  fool,  behind  his  back, 

The  grinning  spectre,  death:* 

*  Nothing  can  possibly  display  more  forcibly  the  folly  of 
imperial  or  kingly  vanity,  than  the  energetic  lines  of  Shaks- 
peare,  in  his  tragedy  of  King  Richard  the  lid.  which  run 
thus: 

I  pr'ythee,  friends,  let's  sit  upon  the  ground, 
And  tell  sad  stories  of  the  death  of  kings ; 
How  some  have  been  depos'd,  some  slain  in  war, 
Some  haunted  by  the  ghosts  they  dispossess'd, 
Some  poison'd  by  their  wives,  some  sleeping,  kili'd; 
All  murder'd.  For  within  the  hollow  crown, 
That  rounds  the  mortal  temples  of  a  king, 
Keeps  death  his  court ;  and  there  the  antic  sits, 
Scoffing  his  state,  and  grinning  at  his  jpomp ; 
Allowing  him  a  little  scene, 
TO  monarchise,  be  fear'd,  and  kill  with  looks, 
Infusing  him  with  self  and  vain  conceit ; 
As  if  this  flesh,  that  walls  about  our  life, 
Was  brass  impregnable;  and,  humour'd  thus, 
Comes  at  the  last;  and,  with  a  little  pin, 
Bores  thro'  his  castle  walls,  and  farewel,  king ! 


OF  IMPERIAL  FOOLS.  201 

Whose  bolt,  when  least  expected,  flies, 
And  then  the  fool  imperial  dies; 

Of  fate  the  common  slave. 
So  farewel  grandeur;  for,  'tis  found, 
Thou  only  need'st  sufficient  ground, 

To  delve  for  thee  a  grave.* 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

If  lowly  men  could  view  turmoils  of  state, 
They  ne'er  would  thirst  for  sov'reignty  and 
power. 

The  greatest  earthly  curse  is  to  be  great; 
For,  like  the  fire,  it  doth  itself  devour. 

*  The  renowned  William  the  Conqueror  affords  an  in- 
stance, even  more  striking  than  the  fact  above  stated;  since 
it  is  recorded,  that  after  his  demise,  his  corpse  continued 
some  days  above  ground,  on  account  of  the  difficulty  there 
was,  even  to  procure  a  spot  of  earth  in  order  to  bury  him, 
owing  to  the  animosity  that  individual  entertained  towards 
him  while  living,  on  whose  domain  he  expired.  The  great 
Charles  the  Fifth,  the  emperor,  after  all  his  conquests  and 
glory,  terminated  his  career  by  entering  a  monastery;  and 
thus  relinquishing  that,  for  which  he  had  toiled  with  so 
much  assiduity.  Then,  farewel  to  regal  folly !  for 


202  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS, 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

Imperial  Caesar,  dead,  and  turn'd  to  clay, 
Might  stop  a  hole,  to  keep  the  wind  away. 
Oh!  that  that  earth,  which  kept  the  world  in  awe, 
Should  patch  a  wall,  t'expcl  the  winter's  flaw. 


SECTION  XLVI. 

OF  FOOLS  WHO    THINK  NONE  SO  WISE  AS  THEM- 
SELVES. 

Stultus,  nisi  quod  ipse  facit  nil  rectum  putat. 

Here's  one  who  boasts  conceit  refinM, 
As  if  all  sense, 
By  Providence, 
To  his  wise  pate  had  been  consign'd; 
And  plac'd  in  him  such  sterling  reason, 
That  to  dispute  it  were  rank  treason. 

In  argument  he'll  knock  you  down, 

With  yes  or  no,  * 

It  must  be  so, 
And  if  presumptive  you  dare  frown; 

*  This  species  of  egotism  is  as  frequent  in  society  as  any 
other  epidemic  folly  with  which  it  is  assailed,  and  well 
merits  the  following  quotation  from  Terence; 
Homine  impcrito  nunquam  quidquid  injustius 
Qui,  ni3i  quod  ipse  facit,  nihil  rectum  putat. 


204  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Take  special  care,  he'll  butt  with  horns  of  Box, 
For  doubting  one  as  famous  as  Delphos.* 

Mark,  ye  hist  countenance  and  air; 

Which  well  might  pass, 

For  living  brass, 
While,  bold  and  arrogant,  his  stare, 

*  The  poet,  in  the  above  line,  alludes  to  the  celebrated 
Delphian  Oracle  of  Apollo,  which  was  supposed  by  the  an- 
cients, never  to  fail,  and  was  delivered  by  a  virgin  named 
Pythia  or  Phcebus.  Whether  the  Bos  in  the  foregoing  line, 
alludes  to  the  brazen  bull  presented  by  the  tyrant  of  Agri- 
gentum  to  this  famed  temple,  we  are  at  a  loss  to  conjecture; 
from  the  emptiness,  however,  of  the  skull  of  that  brazen 
animal,  and  from  the  brassy  impudence  of  his  countenance, 
it  is  shrewdly  surmised,  that  the  poetaster  might  have  in- 
tended it  in  allusion  to  the  properties  of  that  species  of 
fools  who  were  then  under  his  consideration. 

f  The  vanity  of  Nero  the  emperor,  is  recorded  by  many 
historians;  who  needs  must  pique  himself  on  being  the  best 
actor  and  musician  in  Rome;  and  in  order  that  he  might 
have  no  competitor,  he  caused  the  finest  performer  of  that 
time  (who  had  acquired  great  fame)  to  be  murdered;  and 
with  respect  to  his  musical  talents,  the  burning  of  the  then 
capital  of  the  universe,  was  deemed  but  a  fit  accompani- 
ment to  one  of  his  solos  on  the  fiddle. 


OF  SELF-CONCEITED  FOOLS.  20j 

Bespeaks  to  all  that  he's  the  cherish'd  elf, 
Of  no  one  creature  living — but  himself. 

As  the  fierce  tenant  of  some  den, 
With  one  accord, 
By  all  abhorr'd, 
This  fool's  turn'd  forth  from  haunts  of  men; 
For  those  who  would  be  all  in  others'  sight, 
Are  subject  to  the  world's  contempt  and  spite.* 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

If  thou  feel'st  conscious  of  thy  skill,  be  wise, 
Nor  publish  it,  thy  vanity  to  sate; 

For  he  who  builds  on  others'  fall  his  rise, 
Brings  on  himself  the  universal  hate. 

*  Notwithstanding  the  gratification  which  these  conceit- 
ed fools  may  derive  from  their  overbearing  impertinence,  it 
is,  nevertheless,  impossible,  but  that  they  must  frequently 
experience  the  keenness  of  rebuke,  and  suffer  a  degree  of 
mental  pain  on  witnessing  the  marked  hatred  of  such  as  are 
tortured  in  their  society;  during  such  moments,  therefore, 
I  would  recommend  to  their  consideration,  these  lines  of 
our  bard,  so  truly  applicable  to  their  situation : 

Why,  all  delights  are  vain;  but  that  most  vain, 
Which,  with  pain  purchas'd,  doth  inherit  pain. 

U 


J06  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


207     ] 


SECTION  XLVII. 

OF  POOLS  WHO  DAILY  PROLONG  THEIR  OWJS 
AMENDMENT. 

To-morrow  and  to-morrow,  and  to-morrow, 
Creeps  in  this  petty  pace  from  day  to  day, 
To  the  last  syllable  of  recorded  time; 
And  all  our  yesterdays  have  lighted  fools 
The  way  to  dusty  death. 

I  feel  conviction  of  my  sin, 
And  will  anew  my  course  begin,* 
Full  oft  the  voice  of  folly  cries  out ; 
But  when  the  fool  next  morning  hies  out, 


*  The  advice  of  Hamlet  to  his  mother,  when  he  urges 
her  to  refrain  from  any  further  converge  with  his  uncle,  is 
admirably  calculated  to  impress  the  mind  with  the  neces- 
sity there  is  for  beginning  at  once  a  reformation;  and 
that  when  the  first  step  is  taken,  every  subsequent  one 
becomes  Jess  arduous.  Nor  are  the  words  of  the  Prodigal 
Son,  in  the  inimitable  parable  of  our  Saviour,  less  requisite 
to  these  fools,  when  he  says,  "  I  will  arise  and  go  unto  my 
Father,  and  will  say  unto  him — Father,  Ihave  sinned  against 
Heaven,  and  against  thee,  and  am  no  more  worthy  to  be 
called  thv  Son,'" 


203  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

The  sage  resolve  's  forgot,  'mid  senseless  crowds, 
Nor  heeded  more  than  last  year's  passing  clouds.* 

O  !  now  I'll  live  to  read  and  think, 
Nor  longer  game,  and  wench  and  drink ; 
A  painted  harlot's  Satan's  daughter, 
And  wine  inflames,  so  I'll  take  water ; 
Forego  ail  gaming — yet,  produce  the  dice, 
The  wine  and  wench — all's  then  forgot,  but  vice. 

No  more  my  dress  shall  cause  the  stare, 
My  brain  shall  henceforth  be  my  care ; 
No  more  with  whip  I'll  bloods  beat  hollow, 
My  race  I'll  now  run  'gainst  Apollo. 

But  dress  and   Bond    Street,    Tandem^  brazen 
wh-r-s, 

Bear  sway  and  kick  the  muses  out  of  doors. 

*  This  reminds  me  of  the  story  of  Balaam,  who  would 
not  believe,  though  his  ass  spoke!  and  indeed,  to  the  multi- 
tude of  feds  who  yUld  to  this  propensity,  we  may  say  with 
Horace, 

Vivendi  recte  qui  prorogat  horam, 

Rusticus  expectat  dum  defluat  amnis. 

f  A  vehicle  which  neither  comes  under  the  head  of  curri- 
cle or  buggy,  being  drawn  by  two  horses  at  kngtk,  and  not 


OF  PROCRASTINATING  FOOLS.  209 

Cries  age  'tis  certain,  by  the  bye, 

That  all  men  at  some  time  must  die  ; 

How  simple  not  to  have  reflected ! 

No  more  this  point  shall  be  neglected;* 
To-morrow  I'll  turn  o'er  a  better  leaf, 
The   morrow   comes,   and   pleasure   proves  the 
thief.f 

abreast,  in  order  to  display  the  dexterity  of  gentleman  coach- 
men. This  appellation,  which  originated  at  one  of  the  Uni- 
versities, is  perfectly  consonant  with  the  wit  of  the  present 
race  of  what  are  termed  students,  whether  with  trencher  caps, 
or  fellow  commoners'  ?o~Lvns. 

*  In  the  prayers  of  the  famous  Dr.  Johnson  is  recorded, 
a  curious  instance  of  this  foolery;  for  even  that  learned  man. 
therein  confesses,  that  he  nightly  returned  to  rest,  with  the 
determination  of  amending  his  course  of  life,  and  rising 
early  in  the  morning,  but,  when  the  morrow  came,  he  as.  in- 
variably yielded  to  his  old  propensities,  and  continued  in 
bed  till  mid-day.  It  would  have  been  well  for  our  Lexico- 
grapher, had  he  called  to  mind  the  following  Italian  pro- 
verb, which  so  well  expresses  the  fruits  derived  from  labour. 
Travaglio  vinea  la  palma,  e  monda  la  rugine  dell'  alma. 

f  The  folly  considered  by  the  poet  in  this  section,  which 
may  be  well  termed  obduracy  in  sinning,  is  far  more  excusa- 
ble in  youth  than  in  old  age,  for  when  we  view  deadened 

U2 


210  the  ship  of  fools. 

l'envoy  of   the  poet. 
Thus  ev'ry  fool  to  pleasure  yields  control, 

And  makes  himself  the  veriest  abject  slave  ; 
For  though  assured  such  acts  disease  his  soul, 

Yet  he  delays  the  cure,  till  in  the  grave. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


passions,  and  the  gray  hairs  of  experience,  still  obedient  to 
foolery,  and  lost  to  conscience  and  approaching  death,  there 
is  certainly  no  excuse  to  palliate  the  dereliction  from  reason, 
which  frequently  involves  the  fool  in  dangers  from  which, 
not  even  the  grave  itself  can  relieve  him,  having  tainted 
the  soul  as  well  as  the  body  with  vice. 

Assidua  occupatione  impedisce  la  tentatione. 


[     211     ] 


SECTION  XLVIIL 


OF  NOBLE  FOOLS. 

Came  there  a  certain  Lord,  neat,  trimly  dress'd; 

Fresh  as  a  bridegroom;  and  his  chin,  new  reap'd, 

Show'd  like  a  stubble  land  at  harvest  home: 

He  was  perfumed  like  a  milliner; 

And,  'twixt  his  finger  and  his  thumb,  he  held 

A  pouncet  box,  which  ever  and  anon 

He  gave  his  nose 

My  Lord  and  Lord  Duke, 

I  needs  must  rebuke, 
In  defiance  of  star  and  of  garter ; 

For  ye,  like  the  rest, 

It  must  be  confess'd, 
For  the  fool's  cap  your  common  sense  barter, 

£rom  ye,  my  grave  peers^ 
With  Midas's  ears, 


212  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

I  have  long  heard  each  boastful  profession; 

But  were  I  to  probe, 

I  fear  that  your  robe, 
Is  the  last  gem*  ye  have  in  possession. 

Neglectful  of  fame, 

And  that  boasted  name, 
Which  your  ancestors  proud  were  to  bear  O ; 

Ye  think  less  of  state, 

Than  setting  up  late, 
And  your  fortunes  all  losing  atf  Faro. 


*  This  is  certainly  a  pretty  pointed  stroke  at  our  present 
race  of  nobles,  who  merit  the  sarcasm,  I  am  sorry  to  add, 
but  too  justly;  as  therefore  it  would  be  impossible  to  cleanse 
the  existing  Augean  stable,  we  offer  the  following1  lines  to 
the  youthful  fry,  who  will  at  some  future  period,  inherit  the 
titles  and  estates  of  their  fathers;  Heaven  grant  that  their 
follies  may  not  equally  bear  them  company ! 

Peace,  master  Marquis — you  aremallapert; 

Your  fire  new  stamp  of  honour  is  scarce  current. 

O!  that  your  young  Nobility  could  judge, 

What  'twere  to  lose  it,  and  to  be  miserable! 

They  that  stand  high  have  many  blasts  to  shake  them ; 

And,  if  they  fall,  they  dash  themselves  to  pieces. 

f  The  destructive  vice  of  gambling  is  most  particularly 
cultivated  by  our  fools  of  rank  and  title,  not  only  males, 


OF  NOBLE  FOOLS.  213 

Ye  now  can't  afford 

For  tenants  a  board,* 
And  to  give  to  the  poor  food  and  raiment  j 

To  raise  a  large  sum, 

For  bill —  comes  a  bum,t 
Who  levies  on  goods  for  its  payment. 

but  females;  and  in  too  many  instances,  I  fear,  has  the  dame, 
after  losing  every  shilling1  of  cash,  staked  her  reputation  on 
the  cast  of  the  die,  and  thereby  entailed  the  title  of  her 
lord  upon  a  bastard  progeny. 

A  donna  cattiva  poco  giova  la  guardia. 

*  This  is  alas,  too  true,  for  although  the  feudal  system 
had  its  vices,  it  was  not  destitute  of  hospitality ;  for  then 
the  hall  of  every  chieftain's  castle  rung  with  the  strains  of 
joy,  while  the  thick  oaken  board  groaned  beneath  the  weight 
of  viands  and  nappy  brown  ale;  (vid.  by  way  of  proof,  nume- 
rous items  in  the  Northumberland  household  book,  and 
many  MSS.  of  a  similar  kind,  preserved  in  other  ancient 
families;)  whereas,  in  the  present  day,  those  sums,  which 
might  alike  procure  the  blessings  of  the  multitude,  by  being 
so  dispensed,  are,  on  the  contrary,  squandered  in  the  me- 
tropolis, on  every  species  of  wanton  extravagance,  and,  too 
frequently,  low  and  disgraceful  debaucheries. 

La  nobilta  non  s'acquista  nascendo,  ma  virtuosamente 
vivendo. 

f  This  is  a  fact  which  repetition  has  rendered  so  notori- 
ous, that  it  would  be  folly  to  offer  any  apology  for  the  poet, 
who  well  knew,  that  though  the  persons  of  our  peers  are 


214  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Or  if  less  profuse, 

You  still  have  a  use, 
For  each  guinea  your  follies  to  pamper ; 

All  sense  you  degrade, 

With  rout,  masquerade,* 
And  with  sensual  appetites  tamper. 

Since  thus  ye  debase 

The  name  of  your  race, 
'Mid  the  tribe  of  great  fools  I  enthrone  ye ; 

For  if  your  sires  brave, 

Could  rise  from  the  grave, 
They  wou'd  shrink  back  with  shame,  and  disown 
ye. 

not  tangible,  their  goods  are  no  ways  secured  from  the 
clutches  of  the  hungry  law. 

*  As  to  dancing  Peers  and  great  folks,  they  are  of  ancient 
standing;  witness  Sir  Christopher  Hatton,  who  wo.o  the  fa- 
voured of  Elizabeth,  from  being  quite  aufait  at  turning  out 
his  toes.  But  of  later  date,  who  does  not  know,  that  Lord 
Lainsborough,  in  Queen  Anne's  reign,  was  so  fond  of  this 
amusement,  as  to  advise  his  sovereign  to  jig  away  her  grief 
for  the  loss  of  George  of  Denmark — nay,  even  the  solemn 
station  of  a  Lord  Chancellor  has  not  withheld  him  from 
dancing  reels,  to  the  no  small  wonder  of  hi:s  brethren,  the 
sapient  periwigged  judges. 


OF  NOBLE  FOOLS.  215 

l'envoy  OF  THE  POET. 
Refinement  ne'er  is  look'd  for  in  the  hind, 

But  when  the  great  in  birth  and  title  fail; 
They  ne'er  can  hope  respect  and  love  to  find; 

For  lowly  fools  'gainst  noble  fools  will  rail. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[     216     ] 


SECTION  XLIX. 


OF  THE  DISEASED  FOOL,  THAT  WILL  NOT  ATTEND 
TO  HIS  PHYSICIAN. 

Crudelem  medicum  intemperans  xger  facit 

14  What  ails  thee  fool?"  some  friend  doth  cry, 

"  I'm  passing  sick,  and  like  to  die;" 

«  What's  thy  disorder?" — «  Bile  and  rheum," 

"  Thou  hast  a  doctor  I  presume?" 

"  A  doctor,  yes;  who  sends  me  oceans, 

M  But  I  ne'er  take  his  filthy  potions."* 

*  This  folly  is  the  more  unaccountable,  as  it  is  certain  to 
terminate  finally  in  that  event  which  is  the  most  dreaded 
by  every  class  of  fools;  so  that  it  may  certainly  be  said,  the 
foolery  brings  with  it  the  reward  of  its  folly;  but,  speak- 
ing of  sickness,  who  can  call  to  mind  these  beautiful  lines 
of  Shakspeare,  and  not  allow  their  sterling  merit. 

Infirmity  doth  still  neglect  all  office, 
Whereto  our  health  is  bound:  we  are  not  ourselves, 
When  nature,  being  oppress'd,  commands  the  mind, 
To  suffer  with  the  body. 


OF  DISEASED  FOOLS.  217 

The  fev'rish  fool  thus  having  said. 
Rising  with  hectic  cough  in  bed; 
Pulls  loud  the  bell — in  John  doth  steal, 
And  to  his  master  takes  the  meal; 
When,  lo,  to  cure  this  sick  man's  croaking, 
A  roast  duck  stuff'd  appears  quite  smoking. 

Astonish'd  at  so  strange  a  sight, 

And  wond'ring  at  his  appetite; 

The  friend  exclaims,  "  Why,  this  is  fuel!" 

44  To  quench  thy  fever,  take  some  gruel;" 

44  Pshaw!"  cries  the  fool,  "  'tis  vain  entreating. 

44  I'll  rather  die  than  quit  good  eating." 

A  week  transpires,  the  sick  fool's  worse, 
The  knocker's  ty'd,  he's  got  a  nurse; 
Another  comes,  his  situation 
Demands  physicians'  consultation : 
A  third  ensues,  there  ends  all  scoffing, 
He's  safe  screw'd  up  in  sable  coffin.* 

*  There  is  another  folly,  which,  when  opposed  to  that  at 
present  under  consideration,  is  no  less  ridiculous.  It  con- 
sists in  placing  too  much  reliance  on  physical  aid;  a  very 
curious  instance  of  which  is  related  by  the  French  histo- 

X 


218  THE  SHIP  OF  TOOLS. 

l 'envoy  OF  THE  POET. 
Why,  if  advice  thou  wilt  not  heed, 

Need'st  thou  for  a  physician  send? 
If  thou  wilt  act  thyself  the  deed, 

The  doctor  can't  prolong  thine  end. 

rians,  in  the  person  of  the  savage  Lewis  XI.  who,  while  he 
inflicted  tortures  on  hundreds,  was  himself  even  more 
afflicted;  for  we  are  informed,  that  he  was  so  much  the 
slave  of  one  Jacques  Coctier,  his  physician,  that  lie  suffered 
at  his  hands  the  most  insolent  and  threatening  language; 
conceiving  that  his  life  wras  solely  preserved  to  him  by  the 
skill  he  professed;  and  Jacques  Coctier,  on  such  occasions, 
would  increase  the  horrors  of  the  monarch,  by  exclaiming — 
"  Je  serais  que  vous  me  donnerez  mon  conge,  comme  vous 
Pavez  donne  a  d'autres ;"  then,  rolling  his  eyes  and  swearing, 
he  would  add,  "  mais  vous  ne  vivrez  pas  huit  jours  apres." 
Upon  which,  the  king  wrould  humbly  crave  mercy,  and  sub- 
mit to  any  degradation.  But  at  this  conduct  of  Coctier  to  his 
sovereign  we  need  not  be  surprised,  when  we  are  told  by 
Gaguin,  in  his  Latin  history,  that  the  wretch  did  not  scru- 
ple to  order  as  remedies  for  his  royal  patient,  the  warm 
blood  of  infants  to  drink,  as  well  as  to  bathe  in.  That  the 
reader,  however,  may  learn  the  consummate  folly  of  this 
monarch,  in  its  full  extent,  it  is  necessary  to  add,  that  when 
he  found  the  powers  of  medicine  fail,  Al  mal  mortale  ne 
medicar,  ne  medecina  vale,  he  sent  for  a  very  pious  hermit, 


OF  DISEASED  FOOLS.  219 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

called  Francois  Martotille,  whom  he  received  with  as  much 
ceremony  as  if  he  had  been  the  sovereign  Pontiff,  and  to 
this  pious  old  man  he  prostrated  himself  to  earth,  supplicat- 
ing by  promises  and  gifts  that  he  would  intercede  with 
Heaven,  to  grant  him  a  prolongation  of  existence;  but 
Martotille  being  too  honest  to  profit  by  this  foolery  of  the 
king,  exhorted  him,  on  the  contrary,  rather  to  think  of  the 
world  to  come,  than  the  present  state  of  existence;  which 
advice  was  far  from  the  monarch's  wish,  who  therefore  dis- 
missed the  hermit,  and  as  a  dernier  resort,  being  wrought  upon 
by  superstitious  timidity,  he  literally  caused  various  relics 
of  saints  to  be  arranged  around  his  bed  (which  were  not  only 
brought  from  different  parts  of  his  own  dominions,  but  pro- 
cured at  an  enormous  expense  from  Rome  and  Constanti- 
nople) by  means  of  which,  he  conceived,  that  the  approach 
of  death  would  be  barred  from  him.  It  is  merely  necessary 
to  add,  that  the  punition  Lewis  XI.  thus  experienced,  seem- 
ed but  a  manifestation  of  the  just  vengeance  of  Omnipo- 
tence, for  the  sanguinary  proceedings  which  characterized 
the  reign  of  that  monarch. 


I     220 


SECTION  L. 

OF  FOOLS  THAT  WILLINGLY  PUT  THEMSELVES  IN 
THE  WAY  OF  PERIL. 


Idemens!  et  szevas  curre  per  Alpes, 


Ut  pueris  placeas  et  declamatio  fias. 

Of  sportsmen  I've  already  spoken, 

Whose  limbs  and  necks  so  oft  are  broken ; 

But  now  behold  the  buck  quite  dashing, 

Who  down  fam'd  Bond  Street  must  be  splashing, 

On  boot  high  perchM  the  palm  to  win, 

With  four  blood  horses  half  broke  in. 

For  fame  as  knight  o'the  whip  thus  striving, 
Through  ranks  close  hemm'd  of  coaches  driving; 
His  furious  steeds  each  moment  whipping, 
And  all  competitors  outstripping; 
Is  all  his  aim,  and  that  each  stranger, 
May  see  him,  fool-like,  dare  all  danger.* 

•  It  is  certain  that  though  the  rashest  actions  have  at 
times  been  crowned  with  success,  they  are  but  few  in  num- 


OF  HAZARDOUS  FOOLS.  221 

If  racing,  that  the  fool  may  win  it, 
He'd  fain  go  one  mile  in  the  minute; 
For  which  he  urges,  spurs,  and  whips, 
In  hopes  to  vie  with  fam'd  Eclipse; 
And  striving  still  to  gallop  faster, 
Down  drops  the  racer  with  his  master. 

ber,  when  compared  with  the  destructive  termination  which 
has  in  general  accompanied  this  species  of  folly. — Charles 
the  Twelfth,  of  Sweden,  proved  himself  a  rash  fool,  in  op- 
posing- the  whole  army  of  the  Turks  at  Bender,  when  he 
had  but  a  few  followers;  nor  was  there  more  real  bravery  in 
his  conduct  than  was  displayed  some  years  back,  by  the  fool 
who  walked  round  the  iron  balustrade  which  appears  at  the 
summit  of  the  monument;  for  in  both  cases,  the  same  fact  will 
hold  good,  viz.  had  the  Swedish  monarch  been  shot,  no  one 
would  have  pitied  his  fate,  but  branded  him  with  the  well 
earned  appellation  of  fool;  and,  in  like  manner,  if  the  idiot 
who  sported  himself  on  the  rail  of  the  monument,  had  been 
precipitated  to  the  bottom,  there  would  have  been  but  one 
opinion — That  his  foolhardiness  well  merited  its  punish- 
ment. Such  being  the  fact,  let  all  rash  men,  ere  they  un- 
dertake an  action,  consider  only  what  will  be  the  derision 
of  mankind,  if  they  fail,  and  that  simple  interrogatory  will 
at  once  instruct  them,  whether  or  no  their  conduct  is  sanc- 
tioned by  the  dictates  of  reason,  common  sense,  and  prudence, 
for  the  latter  requisite  is  as  absolutely  essential  to  real 
courage,  as  any  other. 

X2 


222  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

A  strumpet's  character's  so  tender, 
That  fools  there  are,  who,  to  defend  her, 
Their  lives  consult  no  more  than  pullets, 
And  willing  meet  th'  offender's  bullets; 
Thus  wisely  surfeiting*  his  hobby, 
By  being  shot  * — for  row  in  lobby. 


*  Notwithstanding  the  modern  vocabulary  of  honour, 
which  tells  a  man  to  risk  his  life,  because  another  treads 
upon  the  tail  of  his  dog;  I  must  nevertheless  affirm,  that 
such  conduct  has  nothing  to  do  with  real  courage;  for  there 
are  but  very  few  injuries  of  such  a  glaring  nature  as  to  de- 
mand the  blood  of  one  fellow  creature  at  the  hands  of 
another.  Would  it  argue  real  courage,  let  me  ask,  for  a 
man  of  a  delicate  and  weak  habit,  and  quite  devoid  of  skill, 
to  put  his  strength  in  opposition  to  an  experienced  bruiser? 
or  would  it  redound  to  the  credit  of  an  individual  who  had 
never  fired  a  pistol,  to  place  himself  within  twelve  paces  of 
a  man  who  could  hit  a  crown  piece  at  thirty  yards,  and  who 
was  to  have  the  first  shot  into  the  bargain;  if  such  be  the 
standard  of  bravery,  and  the  touchstone  of  honour,  I  must 
certainly  coincide  with  FalstafF,  when  he  exclaims, 

"  What  is  honour?  a  word — What  is  that  word  honour? 
Air;  a  trim  reckoning.  Who  hath  it?  He  that  died  a  Wed- 
nesday. Doth  he  feel  it?  No.  Doth  he  hear  it?  No.  Is  it  in- 
sensible then?  Yea,  to  the  dead.  But  will  it  not  live  with  the 
living?  No." 


OF  HAZARDOUS  FOOLS.  22c 

No  jot  are  modern  belles  less  tardy, 

To  show  themselves  alike  fcol  hardy; 

Who  of  their  health  are  grown  so  thriftless, 

As  to  go  next  akin  to  shiftless ; 

"Art,"  they  exclaim,  "  is  naught  to  us," 

Infiuris  naturalibus, 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Short  is  life's  span,  and  much  we  have  to  do, 

Their  final  doom  none  court  but  little  wits ; 
For  death' your  fools  and  madmen  only  sue,    . 

Wise  men  will  live  as  long  as  God  permits. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


Dr.  Paley,  in  his  Political  and  Moral  Philosophy,  very 
justly  observes,  that  honour  is  nothing"  more  than  a  law  in- 
stituted by  one  certain  class  of  people  which  is  to  act  as  a 
tie  upon  another,  having  no  reference  whatever,  either  to 
religion  or  morality;  and  with  respect  to  that  species  of 
honour  which  prompts  a  man  to  rush  headlong  into  ruin,  it 
is  invariably  the  rule,  that  if  the  actor  succeeds,  he  is 
crowned  with  the  applause  of  the  multitude ;  whereas,  if 
he  fails,  he  is  sure  to  be  as  universally  reprehended. 


[     224     j 


SECTION  LI. 


OF    GENTLEMEN  FOOLS. 

Licet  superbus  ambules  pecuniae, 
Fortuna  non  mutat  genus. 

Some  cheesemonger  or  tallowchandler, 
Who's  got  by  trade  of  gold  command  sir ; 

To  vie  with  gentlefolks  aspires; 
Thinks  no  one  half  so  bless'd  by  fate, 
As  when  he's  got  a  fine  estate; 

And  to  his  country  seat  retires.* 

With  purse-proud  folly  overbearing, 
And  ignorance  beyond  comparing, 


*  On  the  score  of  tradesmen  having  country  seats,  I  have 
only  to  remark,  that  if  our  men  of  title  and  fashion  do  not 
look  sharp  about  them,  all  the  estates  of  their  ancestors 
will  become  the  property  of  the  mercantile  part  of  this 
country.  Thanks  to  their  own  depravity ! 


OF  GENTLEMEN  FOOLS.  ~2a 

He  struts  the  potent  village  peer; 
Not  conqu'ring  Alexander  fam'd, 
Could  with  this  pompous  fool  be  nam'd 

Or  half  so  high  his  visage  rear.* 

Forgetful  when  he  was  his  shop  in, 
And  bacon  rashers  sold  in  Wapping, 

With  cheese  and  butter,  eggs  in  scores; 
Or  else  the  cotton  which  was  dipping 
In  stinking  tallow,  cook  maids'  dripping; 

And  sold   spruce  moulds,  short  eights,  long 
fours. 

No  longer  such  plain  truths  allowing, 
He  looks  of  course  to  others'  bowing; 

As  when  on  Sabbath  holy; 
Quite  consequential  to  the  view, 
He  struts  along  the  aisle  to  pew, 

While  peasants  bend  quite  lowly. t 

*  Shakspeare  says  truly, 

"  Small  things  make  base  men  proud;" 

and  certainly  to  him  who  knows  not  justly  how  to  appreciate 
riches,  nothing"  can  be  more  despicable— It  is  but  "  throw* 
ing  pearls  before  swine/' 

A  chi  Fortuna  suona,  poco  senno  basta. 

f  It  is  the  province  of  ignorance  to  lord  it  most  when  fa- 
voured  with  the  smiles  of  fortune,  for—. 


226  THE  SHIP  OF  IOOLS. 

Behind,  his  rib— dame  Lard,  or  Wick,  sir, 
Struts  on,  with  heir  apparent  Dick,  sir, 

And  miss,  with  tawdry  sash  and  frock; 
Mamma,  with  face  both  broad  and  brawny, 
And  lank-hair'd  master,  quite  a  sawney, 

The  miss's  head  a  barber's  block. 

Devoid  of  manners,  taste,  and  science,* 
To  books  this  jolt-head  bids  defiance, 

His  booby  spoiFd  son  goes  astray; 

Spends  all  his  wealth- — weds  a  street-walker; 
Miss  is  in  love — John's  a  fine  talker, 

So  with  dad's  footman  runs  away.. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Vain  would  this  dolt  the  mental  pow'rs  refresh. 

And  banish  ills  by  habit  long  inhal'd; 
What's  in  the  bone  must  ever  taint  the  flesh, 

He's  the  bad  shilling  to  the  counter  nail'd. 


•  Pride  hath  no  other  glass 


To  show  itself  but  pride:  for  supple  knees 
Fee  arrogance,  and  are  the  proud  man's  fees. 

*  A  ludicrous  trial,  in  which  a  sugar  plumb  City  Knight 
was  defdrJant,  having  assaulted  a  Carman  in  the  Green- 


OF  GENTLEMEN  FOOLS.  22T 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

wich-road,  on  the  score  of  precedence,  affords  a  true  spe- 
cimen of  this  species  of  ignorant  and  overbearing  pride. 

He  that's  proud  eats  up  himself.  Pride  is  his 

own  glass,  his  own  trumpet,  his  own  chronicle :  and  whate- 
ver praises  itself  but  in  the  deed,  devours  the  deed  i'the 
praise. 


I  ~28  ] 


SECTION  LII. 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  IN  AGE  GIVE  BAD  EXAMPLES  TO 
YOUTH. 


■  Velocius  ac  citius  nos, 


Corrumpunt  vitiorum  exempla  domestica,  magnis, 
Cum  subeant  animos  auctoribus. 

If  old  fools  are  to  eating  prone, 

And  will  indulge  when  at  the  table; 

'Tis  little  wonder  sense  must  own, 

That  youths  should  guttle  while  they're  able. 

If  gray  hairs  will  get  drunk  with  wines, 
And  yield  to  shameful  conversation; 

No  wronder  youth  that  way  inclines, 
And  wafts  to  lewdness  his  oblation.  * 

•  If  we  are  to  judge  of  our  ancestors,  by  the  conduct  ot 
the  rising  generation,  they  must  indeed  have  been  very  ex^ 
pert  practitioners  in  every  species  of  debauchery  and  ini- 
quity; as  we  may  well  exclaim  to  ninety-nine  out  of  the 
hundred  of  both  sexes  in  the  present  era,  Ecce  signum! 


OF  BAD  EXAMPLES  TO  YOUTH.  229 

If  dotards  will  be  fops  and  game, 

And  'spite  of  impotence  be  wenching;* 

Why  feel  surprise?  youth  doth  the  same, 
Whose  raging  fuel  needs  some  quenching. 

If  mothers  will  give  bad  advice, 

'Tis  little  wonder  that  the  daughter 

Is  not  in  virtue  over  nice, 

When  we  reflect  the  parent  taught  her.f 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

If  moral  thou  vouldet  see  the  rising  race, 
Beware,  nor  let  thy  faults  appear  in  view; 

Such  conduct  will  their  dawning  ills  efface, 
And  they'll  prove  virtuous,  finding  worth  in 
you. 

*  We  certainly  have  a  sufficiency  of  old  fools,  both  with 
and  without  titles,  to  corrupt  any  youthful  race  that  has 
flourished  since  the  period  of  our  great  progenitor  Adam, 
and  on  the  score  of  conversation,  they  certainly  verify  the 
Latin  proverb, 

Corrumpunt  bonos  mores,  colloquia  prava. 

t  Would  to  Heaven  that  the  string*  of  divorces,  which 
has  of  late  years  contaminated  the  page  of  female  morality 
in  high  life,  did  not  avouch  the  truth  of  our  Poet's  asser- 

Y 


230  THE  SHIP  OF  TOOLS. 

THE    POET'S    CHORUS    TO   FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

tion,   and  that  the  conduct  of  modern  wives  was  not  an 
escort  to  these  lines  from  Butler. 

When  o'er  the  breeches  greedy  women, 
Fight  to  extend  their  vast  dominion ; 
When  wives  their  sexes  shift  like  hares, 
And  ride  their  husbands,  like  nightmares; 


For  when  men  by  their  wives  are  cow'd, 
Their  horns  of  course  are  understood. 


C     231     ] 


SECTION  LIIL 

OF  THE  ENVIOUS  FOOL, 

Invldus  alterius  macrescit  rebus  opimis. 

Can  you  no  worth  in  others  see. 
That  you  will  nourish  jealousy, 

And  from  just  praise  refrain? 
What  reason,  fool,  have  you  to  care, 
Although  your  face  be  not  so  fair, 

Should  that  give  cause  for  pain?* 

Or,  will  you  cherish  rancour's  probe? 
Because  you  see  another's  robe 
More  costly  to  the  view? 

*  The  female  sex  is  proverbial  for  envy ;  and  particularly 
that  part  whom  Nature  has  not  arrayed  in  such  external 
fascinations  as  others  can  boast ;  as  if  the  human  counte- 
nance was  everlasting ;  and  that  the  mind  and  manners  did 
not  possess  more  sterling  fascinations  than  those  of  the  body, 

"  My  heart  laments  that  virtue  cannot  live 
Out  of  the  teeth  of  emulation." 


232  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Or,  that  you  can  less  science  show 
In  music?  Or,  like  Parisot, 
The  figure  steps  can't  do?* 

Or,  why  should  man  his  spirits  vex, 
To  hear  from  all  the  female  sex, 
Another's  form  commended?! 


*  Every  little  accomplishment  is  equally  a  source  of  envi- 
ous detraction ;  but  not  alone  to  the  bodily  requisites  do 
these  meannesses  extend;  virtue  itself  is  not  proof  against 
calumny;  for  so  rancorous  is  her  tooth,  that,  as  Livy  says, 

Cceca  invidia  est;  nee  quidquam  aliud  scit,  quam  detrac- 
tare  virtutes. 

f  I  have  alluded  above  to  the  folly  of  females,  in  regard 
to  envy :  not  that  I  can  discriminate  the  difference  of  a  shade 
between  them  and  the  male  part  of  the  creation,  which  is 
equally  enslaved  by  this  degrading  folly  :  for,  let  a  man  be 
extolled  in  a  society  of  males  for  any  superior  endowments, 
whether  mental  or  corporeal,  and  you  will  never  fail  to  hear 
the  hue  and  cry  raised  against  him  for  numberless  faults,  to 
counterbalance  the  eulogium,  whether  they  belong  to  him 
or  not.  The  injured  man,  however,  has  always  this  consola- 
tion, that,  notwithstanding  the  tale  may  be  credited  by  the 
multitude  of  fools,  the  wise  man  will  always  discern  the 
truth,  and  see  clearly  through  the  flimsy  veil,  which  mali- 


OF  THE  ENVIOUS  FOOLS.  23' 

Why  feed  on  mean  and  envious  thought, 
To  see  a  mind  with  learning  fraught, 
And  polish'd  manners  blended? 

Rather  let  such  the  model  be 
Of  emulation  unto  thee: 

A  sure  reward  thou'lt  find. 
For,  by  such  tributary  praise, 
Thou'lt  weave  for  thine  own  brow  the  bays; 
Ennobling  soul  and  mind. 


-       L  ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

Be  wise,  O  fool!  and,  if  thou  wouldst  find  rest, 
Forth  from  thy  mind  each  envious  thought  dis- 
pel: 

For  he  that  hugs  this  demon  to  his  breast, 
Is  curs'd  thro'  life  with  an  eternal  hell.* 


cious  spirits,  conscious  of  their  own  inferiority,  purposely 
weave,  in  order  to  conceal  the  truth  from  their  envious 
minds. 

*  This  advice  of  the  poet  cannot  be  better  illustrated  than 
by  quoting  these  words  of  Juvenal : 

Invidia  Siculi  non  invenere  tyranni; 
Tormentum  majus. 

YD 


234  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


C  235  3 


SECTION  LIV. 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  BELIEVE  IN  PREDESTINATION. 

Che  sara  sara. 

Make  fools  believe  in  their  foreseeing 
Of  things,  before  they  are  in  being; 
As  if  the  planet's  first  aspect, 
The  tender  infant  did  infect, 
In  soul  and  body,  and  instil 
All  future  good  and  future  ill. 

This  fool,  who  shows  bells,  cap,  and  ladle^ 
Vows  that,  ere  yet  a  babe  in  cradle, 

His  destiny,  by  fate,  was  told, 
How  he  should  wear  both  clout  and  frock; 
The  meazles  suffer,  chicken  pock, 

The  hooping  cough;  and  catch  a  cold. 

'Twas  equally  a  point  momentous, 
And  a  forewarning,  most  portentous, 
For  playing  truant,  jest  in  church; 


236  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Or,  when  in  school,  neglecting  book, 
Or,  running  scores  with  pastry  cook, 

That  breech  should  feel  the  twitch  of  birch.* 

In  youth,  'twas  no  less  necessary 
For  him  to  fall  in  love  with  Mary, 

And  pay  to  parish  pounds  for  fun: 
That  he  full  oft  should  be  a  failer, 
In  sett'ling  bills;  and  that  his  tailor 

Should  hire  the  bailiff  for  his  dun. 

That  he,  in  age,  should  need  no  lasses;        * 
But,  for  his  eyes,  on  nose  wear  glasses; 

With  pain  rheumatic  crawl  about: 
With  toothless  gums  his  victuals  mumble; 
And,  with  ill  nature,  often  grumble, 

When  he  endures  a  fit  of  gout. 

*  This  species  of  foolish  foreknowledge  brings  to  mind 
these  lines  of  Butler: 

Some  towns  and  cities,  some,  for  brevity, 
Have  cast  the  'versal  world's  nativity; 
And  made  the  infant  stars  confess, 
Like  stars  on  children,  what  they  please. 


©F  FOOLISH  PREDESTIKARIANS.  237 

v,  In  short,  my  fool,  in  mere  rotation, 
Your  boasted  wise  predestination,* 

Is  nothing  more  than  all  men  know: 
That  some  have  griefs,  and  some  have  joys; 
Ware  born,  and  live  till  death  destroys; 

Omnipotence  will  have  it  so. 

Some  calculate  the  hidden  fates 
Of 'monkeys , puppy  dogs,  and  cats; 
Some  take  a  measure  of  the  lives 
Of  fathers,  mothers,  husbands,  wives. 

*  Voltaire's  Candid,  or,  All  for  the  Best,  is  an  admira- 
ble production,  and  calculated,  in  every  respect,  to  prove 
the  fallacy  of  the  doctrine  of  predestinarians:  if  any  instance 
is  required  to  prove  this  folly  in  its  full  extent,  the  reader 
has  only  to  consider  the  conduct  of  the  Turks,  who  are  such 
rooted  votaries  of  predestination,  as  absolutely  to  suffer  the 
dead  bodies  to  be  exposed  in  a  putrid  state,  in  the  time  of 
a  plague,  rather  than  be  at  the  trouble  of  burying  them;  as 
they  are  firmly  of  opinion,  that  such  conduct  would  not 
conduce  to  extend  the  infection;  for  that  if  the  plague  is  to 
rage  more  furiously,  it  was  previously  ordained  by  fate* 
and  therefore  no  human  endeavour  could  prevent,  in  the 
smallest  degree,  its  destructive  ravages. 


238  THE  SHIP  OF  TOOLS. 

l'envoy  OF  THE  POET. 

Before  a  man's  birth,  'tis  thought,  his  fate  is  cast, 
Be  he  a  beggar,  or  a  chief  renown'd: 

Yet,  when  all's  said,  'tis  oniy  found  at  last, 

That  rogues,  when  hung,  are   certainly  not 
drown'd. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


[     239     ] 
SECTION  LV. 

OF  MARTIAL  FOOLS. 

Bella!  Horrida  bella! 
Matronis  detestata. 

Who  would  not  be  a  brave  commander;* 
In  war  a  raging  salamander, 
And  do  as  his  superior  teaches: 

*  A  cuspide  corona,  should  be  the  soldier's  motto:  for, 
even  suppose  that  he  is  slain,  he  has  acquired  the  wreath 
of  glory  in  the  grave ;  that  is  to  say,  according  to  the  world's 
opinion:  though,  for  my  own  part,  I  am  perfectly  well  satis- 
fied with  the  glory  of  living  as  long  as  I  can.  Iniquissimam 
pacem  justissimo  bello  antefero.  For  I  never  think  of  fight- 
ing, but  it  reminds  me  of  the  story  of  the  late  facetious 
Captain  Grose,  of  antiquarian  memory,  which  ran  as  fol- 
lows: "  Old  Lord  Ligonier  took  the  charge  of  his  nephew, 
when  commanding  the  British  forces  abroad,  and  at  the 
commencement  of  the  first  engagement  he  was  greatly  ex- 
asperated at  the  timidity  which  was  evinced  by  his  eleve, 
who  excused  himself,  on  the  score  of  the  novelty  of  the 


240  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

With  sword  in  hand  mount  deadly  breaches: 
Or,  when  the  desp'rate  foes  beset. 
Rush  on,  to  eat  his  bayonet.* 

dreadful  scene;  as  the  slaughter  increased,  the  young  man's 
fear  became  less  conspicuous,  until  a  musket  ball  not  only 
levelled  to  the  earth  a  soldier  who  was  at  his  side,  hut 
splashed  his  coat  with  the  brains  of  the  deceased.  On  wit- 
nessing this,  a  visible  emotion  was  depictured  on  the  fea- 
tures of  the  young  soldier,  which  was  noticed  by  the  en- 
raged uncle,  who,  with  a  bitter  imprecation,  vowed  that 
his  nephew  was  a  poltroon,  and  only  fit  to  be  tied  to  his 
mother's  apron  string.  "  I  beg  your  pardon,  uncle,"  replied 
the  nephew,  archly,  and  looking  at  his  bedaubed  regimen- 
tal coat,  "  I  am  not  afraid,  but  am  only  astonished  to  find 
that  a  skull  here  should  be  possessed  of  any  brains  at  all." 

*  The  Irish  commander,  of  whom  the  following  anecdote 
is  related,  was,  in  all  probability,  one  of  those  fiery  hot  gen- 
tlemen, of  whom  it  may  be  said, 

II  sangue  del  soldato  fa  grande  il  capitano. 

But  to  the  point  in  question. 

When  General  O'Kelly  was  introduced  to  Louis  XIV. 
soon  after  the  battle  of  Fontenoy,  his  Majesty  observed, 
that  Clare's  regiment  behaved  well  in  that  engagement. 
"  Sire,"  said  the  general,  *c  they  behaved  well,  it  is  true; 
many  of  them  were  wounded:  but  my  regiment  behaved 
better,  for  nae  were  all  killed!" 


OF  MARTIAL  FOOLS.  24* 

Who  would  not,  when  the  fight  increases, 
Dash  forward  to  be  hack'd  in  pieces:* 
And,  to  maintain  his  courage  stainless, 
Present  to  musket  head  that's  brainless; 
All  death,  save  that  of  honour's  hum: 
For,  who'd  be  wounded  in  the  b — m?t 

*  Even  the  sacred  functions  of  the  clerical  character  have 
been  stained  with  blood,  in  despite  of  the  precepts  of  Chris- 
tianity; for  it  is  related  in  history,  that  Richard  Cceur  de 
Lion,  having  taken  a  fighting  bishop  prisoner,  the  Pope 
claimed  him  as  one  of  his  spiritual  sons.  When  the  king 
jocosely  sent  the  Pope  the  hacked  and  bloody  armour  of 
the  bishop,  saying,  "  Lo,  this  have  I  found,  now  know  thou 
if  it  be  thy  son's  coat  or  no!'* 

Such  being  the  case,  we  may  well  exclaim, 

Sure  war  must  be  the  Lord's  delight, 
When  priests  'mid  seas  of  blood  will  fight, 

f  No  man,  surely,  reared  to  that 

heroic  trade, 

That  demi  gods  and  heroes  made; 

Slaughter,  and  knocking  of  the  head; 

The  trade  to  which  they  all  are  bred, 
could  bear  such  an  ignoble  idea: 

What! 

Just  in  the  place  where  honour's  lodg'd, 

As  wise  philosophers  have  judg'd; 

Because  a  kick  in  that  part  more 

Hurts  honour,  than  deep  wounds  before* 


242  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

On  siege  how  noble  to  be  doting, 
And  lie  in  trenches  till  quite  floating;* 
Or  trudge  'mid  dust,  and  sun  that  parches. 
To  cut  off  thousands  by  forc'd  marches; 
Till  stopp'dj  at  length,  by  some  redoubt, 
Half  kill'd,  the  rest  must  wheel  about! 

5Tis  brave  to  form  a  barrier, 

And  guard  the  ensign,  a  rag  carrier;! 

It  is  a  scandal  of  such  magnitude,  that  the  mere  supposition 
alone  is  sufficient  to  make  a  soldier's  cocked  hat  leap  from 
off  his  head,  or  curl  the  whiskers  of  an  Austrian  hussar;  it 
would  give  animation  to  the  boots  of  a  French  chasseur,  or 
blow  up  a  light  horseman's  leather  breeches.  In  short,  there 
is  nothing  wonderful  that  even  the  bare  idea  would  not  ef- 
fect. La  guerra  fa  i  ladx-i,  e  la  pace  glimpicca. 

*  Bravo!  Bravissimo!  What  are  rheumatic  pains,  or  the 
loss  of  the  use  of  limbs,  when  put  in  competition  with  mili- 
tary glory?  To't  again:  nay,  stand  up  to  the  neck,  and  fire 
away  against  a  flinty  wall;  'tis  all  on  the  score  of  honour, 
which  you  may  thus  acquire.  "A  capite  ad  calcem. 

f  What,  witness  the  taking  oft  a  pair  of  colours!  Behold 
an  enemy  march  away  in  triumph  with  half  a  dozen  yards 
of  silk!  Zounds  and  death!  Who  could  submit  to  suqh  in- 


OF  MARTIAL  FOOLS.  243 

Or  rivers  cross  as  wide  as  Shannon, 
First  duck'd,  and  then  made  food  for  cannon: 
Or5  hem'd  in  fortress,  starve  like  fiats, 
Having  devour' d  cats,  micS,  and  rats.* 

After  being  slain  in  bloody  battle, 
You're  well  repaid  with  tittle  tattle;! 
Which  friends  at  home  rehearse  so  snugly, 
For  you,  a  mangled  corse  quite  ugly  4 

dignity!  No;  rather  lead  on  the  elite  of  your  forces;  let  it 
become  bellum  interned ?ium9  to  save  the  precious  stuff, 
though  it  only  dangles  in  the  wind,  slit  into  shreds  and  tat- 
ters. For,  be  it  remembered, 

Sotto  Pinsegna  si  fanno  i  migliori  capitani. 

*  Delicacies,  beyond  compare,  when  seasoned  with  Ao/j- 
our:  for  what  will  not  a  military  stomach  digest,  whose  de- 
light is  to  feast  on  death,  and  play  with  bullets! 

f  Ay;  and  a  very  decent  recompense  too,  considering  that 
your  single  arm  may  have  made  twenty  widows,  and  as 
many  orphans,  in  that  day's  battle,  by  sending  to  the  shades 
so  many  husbands  and  fathers  as  your  avant  couriers.  But 
it  is  all  perfectly  acceptable  to  military  policy:  because  two 
potentates,  or  ministers,  have  quarrelled,  and  therefore  call 
upon  the  multitude  to  avenge  their  injured  honours. 

t  This  is,  certainly,  rather  a  cold  supper  for  those  who 


244  The  ship  of  fools. 

Who,  with  your  friends,  the  kindred  brave, 
Have  reap'd  it,  fool  like,*  in  the  grave. 

prefer  The  beginning  of  a  fray  to  the  end  of  a  feast,  and  af- 
fords a  striking  contrast  to  the  spirited  lines  of  our  bard : 
I  saw  the  soldier,  with  his  beaver  on, 
His  cuisses  on  his  thighs,  gallantly  arm'd, 
Rise  from  the  ground,  like  feather'd  Mercury; 
And  vaulted  with  such  ease  into  his  seat; 
As  if  an  angel  dropt  down  from  the  clouds, 
To  turn  and  wind  the  fiery  Pegasus, 
And  'witch  the  world  with  noble  horsemanship. 

*  A  truce  to  joking:  for  though  the  leading  stanzas  of 
the  bard  excited  risibility,  the  sober  contemplation  of  this 
subject  is  sufficient  to  excite  the  keenest  emotions  in  the 
breast  of  sensibility,  to  behold  thousands  of  men,  ranged  in 
battle  array,  fighting  for  they  know  not  what,  and  slaugh- 
tering they  care  not  whom;  and  yet,  if  the  very  man  who 
falls  had  been  with  his  enemy  in  a  pot-house,  he  would  as 
cordially  have  drank  with  him,  nor  dreamt  of  enmity  O 
war!  Accursed  war!  Well  may  thy  fabled  deity  have  been 
depicted  as  drawn  by  terror  and  fear,  led  on  by  discord,  and 
followed  by  clamour  and  anger.  Well  may  Bellona  rear  the 
bloody  whip,  brandish  the  flaming  torch,  and  on  her  head 
display  snakes,  driping  with  gore.  No  picture  can  be  too 
disgusting,  no  thought  more  dreadful:  as  if  Omnipotence 
created  men  to  murder  one  another.  "  Did  these  bones  cost 


of  martial  fools.  245 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
Honour,  saith  Falstaff,  is  mere  bubble,  sound, 

An  empty  name,  the  madman's  darling  prize; 
Most  cherish'd  when  in  cold  sepulchral  ground, 
Most  bright  when  veil'd  in  death  from  mortal 
eyes. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

no  more  the  breeding-,  but  to  play  at  loggats  with  'em  ?" 
Were  the  pangs  of  the  mother  felt,  and  the  difficulties  she 
had  to  encounter  in  rearing  her  infant,  experienced  only  to 
serve  as  food  for  cannon?  Think  of  that,  ye  potentates,  and 
let  the  contemplation  stay  your  thoughts  from  bloody  ex- 
termination: and  since  the  human  life  is  but  a  span  at  best, 
learn  to  abstain  from  its  curtailment. 

Z2 


[     246     ] 


SECTION  LVI. 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  DO  NOT  UNDERSTAND  A  GAME, 
AND   YET  WILL  PLAY. 

Al  firnir  del  givoco  si  ve  de  chi  guadagna. 

He  fights  against  experience  stout, 
That,  always  losing,  holds  it  out; 
And,  knowing  nothing  of  the  game, 
Makes  skilful  players  do  the  same; 
Who,  leading  card  for  him  to  answer, 
He'll  only  do  it  by  mere  chance,  sir.* 

Supposing  hundreds  were  at  stake, 
And  all  the  senses  wide  awake, 

*  This  is,  eertainly,  a  very  amusing  circumstance;  par- 
ticularly when  the  partner  has  betted  upon  the  rubber  with 
half  a  dozen  persons;  and  expects,  that  what  was  the  effect 
of  chance,  originated  in  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the  game, 
which  he  too  soon  finds  out,  by  lamentable  experience>  was 
not  the  case-. 


OF  IGNORANT,  GAMBLING  FOOLS.  247 

5Tis  sure  enough  to  make  one  sick, 
When,  fighting  hard  for  single  trick, 
To  view  the  fool,  who  then  might  choose  it, 
Trump  your  best  card,  and  thereby  lose  it.* 

'Gainst  player  fam'd  the  idiot  see, 

Who  bets  at  billiards  gallantly, 

To  strike  a  cannon,  pocket  balls; 

When  mark  what  sad  mischance  befals: 

He  makes  the  daring  effort,  silly  elf! 

And,  missing  all,  naught  pockets  but  himself. t 

In  all  those  games  which  skill  require, 
Your  fools,  thus  obstinate,  admire 


*  For  a  splenetic  man,  and  a  very  fine  player,  or  a  crab- 
bed old  maid,  that  has,  for  the  last  twenty  years,  been 
glued  to  a  whist  table,  and  who  places  great  reliance  on  her 
card  money,  to  experience  this  circumstance,  is  a  shock 
easier  conceived  than  expressed,  and  productive  of  effects, 
not  unlikely  to  set  all  the  company  present  in  a  dreadful 
uproar. 

f  This  game,  which  solely  depends  on  science  and  practice, 
is  too  often  mangled  by  unskilful  hands:  and  the  ridiculous 
attitudes  into  which  it  frequently  throws,  not  only  the  player, 
but  the  bye  standers,  is  well  exposed  in  Bunbury's  carica- 
ture of  the  Billiard  Room. 


248  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

To  persevere,  and  thereby  choose 
Their  time  and  cash  at  once  to  lose. 
Nay,  more — they'll  laugh,  and  think  it  funny, 
To  squander  thus  their  partner's  money.* 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

If  thou  enact' s  the  zany,  'tis  no  rule, 

That  others  should  be  deck'd  in  idiot  fame. 
'Tis  sure,  enough  to  play  thyself  the  fool; 
And  not  make  them  the  partners  of  thy  game. 

the  poet's  chorus  to  fools. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

*  This  race  of  fools  is  very  extensive ;  no  card  room  be- 
ing without  some  of  its  votaries,  to  the  no  small  discomfi- 
ture of  such  as  have  to  own  them  for  partners  in  a  game. 


[     249     } 


SECTION  LVII. 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  PLACE  THEIR  TRUST  IN  HERI- 
TAGE. 

Tho'  I  look  old,  yet  I  am  strong  and  lusty; 
For,  in  my  youth  I  never  did  apply 
Hot  and  rebellious,  liquors  in  my  blood; 
Nor  did  I,  with  unbashful  forehead,  woo 
The  means  of  weakness  and  debility: 
Therefore  my  age  is  as  a  lusty  winter, 
Frosty  but  kindly. 

Thine  uncle,  fool,  thou  say'st,  is  sickly, 
And  therefore,  doubtless,  will  die  quickly, 

And  leave  to  thee  his  lands  and  gold. 
But,  folks  in  years,  will  act  contrary; 
And,  growing  of  their  pelf  quite  wary., 

Will  live  to  guard  it  till  they're  old, 

Year  after  year  is  still  succeeding, 
While,  anxious,  thou  thine  uncle  heeding; 
At  eighty  view'st  him  hale  as  thee: 


250  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

'Tis  then  thou  think' st  he'll  sudden  hop  off, 
In  fit  of  apoplexy  pop  off, 

And  end,  at  length,  thy  misery. 

How  vain  thine  hope!  To  heritage  farewell 
Thine  uncle,  hearty,  hears  thy  passing  bell.* 

*  Every  day  affords  instances  of  this  nature;  proving  the 
fallacy  of  this  species  of  dependence  in  fools:  an  instance, 
however,  of  rather  a  different  nature,  and  where  the  youth 
was  greatly  to  be  pitied,  is  recorded  in  the  Lowther  family,^ 
to  the  following  effect:  The  uncle  of  that  name,  who  was 
as  rich  as  he  was  penurious,  had  a  nephew,  without  a  shil- 
ling, and  whose  whole  dependence  was  on  his  relative's  will, 
which  would  have  been  in  the  young  man's  favour,  but  for 
the  following  circumstance:  Old  Lowther,  returning  home 
one  night,  fell  down,  and  dangerously  wounded  his  leg;  for 
which,  however,  he  would  not  have  advice,  on  account  of 
the  expense  which  would  be  thereby  incurred:  when  the 
nephew,  feeling  for  his  relative's  situation,  applied  to  a 
surgeon,  explaining  the  penurious  principle  of  the  old  gen- 
tleman, and  requesting  that  he  would  attend  him,  as  if 
through  charity,  but  that  he  should  be  secretly  paid  by 
himself  for  his  trouble;  which  being  agreed  upon,  the  ne- 
phew informed  old  Lowther  that  he  could  procure  advice, 
gratis,  which  greatly  delighted  his  uncle;  who,  in  conse- 
quence, assumed  a  different  name,  and  took  a  mean  lodg- 
ing in  the  purlieus  of  St.  Giles's,  where  he  was  attended  by 


OF  EXPECTANT  FOOLS.  251 

Or  else  prim  aunt.  Old  women  live  long, 
Is  the  dear  burden  of  some  youth's  song, 

Who  rests  all  hope  upon  her  will; 
Stifles  to  please  her  jocund  pleasures, 
And  ponders  o'er  the  bible's  treasures; 

And  heeds  those  morals  she'll  instil. 

Thus  in  hope's  bright  sunshine  basking, 
The  youth,  one  day,  his  spleen  unmasking, 

Pinches  her  pet;  loud  Ponto  cries: 
Or  treads  on  tabby's  tail — unwilling; 
For  which,  poor  youth,  he  finds  one  shilling 

Jn  will  bequeath'd  him  when  she  dies.* 

the  surgeon,  who,  after  some  weeks,  saved  the  loss  of  his 
leg*,  and,  in  ail  probability,  his  life,  by  effecting  a  complete 
cure.  Unfortunately  for  the  youth,  the  real  fact  came  to  the 
uncle's  ear,  who  had  amused  himself  with  the  supposition 
of  his  cure  having  been  completed  without  cost:  when,  in 
return  for  the  kind  proceedings  of  his  nephew,  he  not  only 
discountenanced  him  from  that  hour,  but  made  a  fresh  will, 
and  cut  him  off  with  a  shilling. 

*  Lady  D— y  afforded  an  instance  of  this  kind,  who 
literally  left  every  shilling  away  from  her  next  of  kin,  be- 
cause he  one  day  chanced  to  tear  out  a  fly  leaf  from  her 
prayer  book. 


252  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Go,  fool,  and  for  the  loss  of  time  repent, 
Which  thus,  in  hope  of  heritage  was  spent. 


L  ENVOY    OF    THE    POET. 

He  who  exists,  desiring  other's  death, 
Lives    but    on    air,   and  wagers  breath  'gainst 
breath. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


f     £53     ] 


SECTION  LVIIL 

OF  TRADING  FOOLS. 
Fortuna  multis  dat  nimium,  nulli  satis. 

To  gold  this  fool  pays  such  devotion, 

That,  to  ensure  the  precious  store, 
He,  on  the  wide,  inconstant  ocean, 

Ventures  his  certain  wealth  for  more.* 
Now  billows  raging,  winds  loud  beating, 

Soon  the  fragile  bark  destroy: 
Or,  if  rocks,  shoals,  or  quicksands  meeting, 

Farewel  the  golden  dreams  of  joy. f 

*  "When  the  mercantile  fool  acts  thus,  he  may  well  ex- 
claim, Fortune  cjetera  mando:  or  verify  the  Italian  pro- 
verb, that  says,  A  torto  si  lamenta  del  mare,  chi  due  volte 
ei  vuol  torn  are. 

j  When  the  evil  arrives,  the  fool  then  recollects  the  words 
of  Syrus  too  late,  who  saith,  Fortuna  vitrea  est,  turn  cum 
splendet,  frangitur. 

Aa 


254-  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS, 

But,  if  dame  fortune,  less  capricious, 

Wafts  to  thee  the  precious  mine; 
Awake,  thou  fear'st — while  dreams  suspicious, 

Ev'ry  succeeding  night  are  thine.* 

For  what's  possess'd,  thou  prov'st  ungracious; 

And  thus  defy'st  all  common  sense; 
Relying  on  pursuit  fallacious, 

Though  bless'd  with  ease  and  competence. 

Thus  ever  thankless  fools,  unsteady, 

Spite  of  their  reason,  act  amiss: 
And,  to  exchange  for  ills,  are  ready, 

The  body's  ease  and  mental  bliss. t 

*  This  stanza  of  the  poet  brings  to  mind  the  words  of 
Shakspeare,  who,  speaking  of  fortune,  thus  expresses 
himself: 

Will  fortune  never  come  with  both  hands  full; 
But  write  her  fair  words  still  in  foulest  letters? 
She  either  gives  a  stomach,  and  no  food; 
Such  are  the  poor  in  health:  or  else,  a  feast, 
And  takes  away  the  stomach:  such  the  rich, 
That  have  abundance,  and  enjoy  it  not. 

j  No  country  can  afford  more  instances  of  maniac,  spe- 
culative fools,  than  England,  where  they  not  only  risk  their 


OF  TRADING  FOOLS.  2  55 

l'envoy   OF   THE   POET. 

Take  special  care,  my  friend,  of  what  is  thine; 

For,  this  plain  truth  I'd  have  thee  understand; 
The  storm  will  follow,  tho'  the  sun  doth  shine: 

Two  birds  in  bush  are  not  worth  one  in  hand. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis,     . 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

fortunes  in  ventures  abroad,  but  will  equally  grasp  at  any 
mad  scheme  at  home.  Some  delve  for  mines  in  the  bowels 
of  the  earth,  and  procure  naught  but  dust  for  their  cost  and 
pains;  whilst  others  must  build  houses  for  wise  men  to  pur- 
chase  at  half  price,  when  the  speculator  has  become  a  bank- 
rupt. In  short,  there  is  nothing  too  absurd  for  the  folly  of 
discontented  minds,  which  prompts  them  to  exchange  af- 
fluence for  poverty,  ease  and  liberty  for  the  confines  of  a 
gaol. 


[     256     ] 


SECTION  LIX, 


OF  FOOLS  THAT  WILL  NOT  SPEAK    THE  TRUTH,  FOR 
FEAR  OF  PUNISHMENT. 

Quern  psenitet  peccasse,  pene  est  innocent 

The  wily  fool,  by  fraud  and  lies, 
Will  strive  to  veil  from  others'  eyes, 
A  fault  that's  of  inferior  name, 
Compar'd  with  that  abhorred  shame, 
Which  doubly  taints  him  with  disgrace, 
While  striving  smaller  faults  t'efface.* 

*  The  lines  of  Shakspeare,  on  falsehood,  are  beautifully 
expressive,  where  he  says, 

. Two  beggars  told  me 

I  could  not  miss  my  way.  Will  poor  folks  lie, 

That  have  afflictions  on  them;  knowing  'tis 

A  punishment,  or  trial?  Yes:  no  wonder, 

When  rich  ones  scarce  tell  true.  To  lapse  in  fullness 

Is  sorer  than  to  lie  for  need;  and  falsehood 

Is  worse  in  kings  than  beggars. 


OF  LYING  FOOLS.  257 

For,  there's  in  lying  such  a  charm, 
Men  thereby  think  t'escape  the  harm,* 
And  thus  punition's  lash  evade; 
Being  in  tenfold  sin  array'd: 
Forgetful  that,  by  frank  confession, 
You  half  efface  the  first  transgression. 

Full  oft  you  find  that  heedless  youths,t 
Bring  on  themselves  by  such  untruths; 
A  father's  unrelenting  ire, 
When,  from  his  knowledge  they  desire 

*  La  scusa  del  peccato  accresce  il  peccato. 

f  There  is  some  palliative  for  the  petty  untruths  of  chil- 
dren, who  seek  to  evade  the  rod,  through  the  medium  of 
falsehood;  as  well  as  for  the  felon,  who  knows  that  confes- 
sion must  bring  him  to  the  gallows;  but  when  we  find  vera- 
city neglected,  where  it  would  not  only,  in  a  great  measure, 
obliterate  the  first  offence,  but  save  the  guiltiness  of  a  se- 
cond fault,  (than  which  none  is  more  mean  and  despicable) 
there  can  be  no  excuse  whatsoever  for  its  commission.  Thus, 
the  fool,  though  he  laughs  in  his  sleeve,  having  practised 
on  others,  by  his  falsehood,  hath  too  frequently  to  rue  the 
effects  of  the  folly  committed  against  himself:  therefore  let 
these  words  of  Seneca  be  ever  kept  in  remembrance: 

Quem  psenitet  peccasse,  pene  est  innocens, 

Aa2 


258  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Their  faults  to  hide:  whereas  contrition, 
With  truth,  had  banish'd  all  punition. 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 

He,  who  conviction  of  one  fault  doth  feel, 
And  errs  anew,  the  former  sin  to  hide, 

Flies,  like  the  ruin'd  gambler,  to  conceal 
His  rashness,  by  the  stroke  of  suicide. 


the  poet's  chorus  to  fools. 
Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


I     259     J 


SECTION  LX, 


OF  FOOLS  WHOSE  LABOUR  CONSTITUTES  THEIR 
PLEASURE. 

As  a  dog  returneth  to  his  vomit,  so  a  fool  returneth  to 
his  folly. 

To  rise  at  dawn  this  fool  takes  pains; 
Tho'  not  to  stock  his  silly  brains, 

And  boast  bright  wisdom's  rules; 
He  rather  idles  time  away, 
And  loves  from  wisdom's  path  to  stray. 

With  other  kindred  fools. 
He  riseth  with  the  matin  sun. 
And  takes  his  pointer  and  his  gun, 

To  toil  thro'  foul  and  fair; 
To  wade  thro'  bog,  o'er  hedge  to  scramble, 
And  feel  the  wound  from  many  a  bramble, 

In  hopes  to  kill  an  hare.* 

*  That  pursuit  must  indeed  be  noble  which  has  for  its  aim 
so  glorious  an  achievement,  as  the  slaughter  of  an  animal  in- 


260  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Thro5  new  plough'd  lands  well  drench'd  with  rains, 
Up  the  steep  hills,  o'er  swampy  plains, 

While  wet  o'ertops  his  boot, 
Full  thirty  tedious  miles  he  trudges, 
Fatigue  nor  loss  of  time  he  grudges, 

So  he  his  brace  can  shoot. 

Jaded  at  dark  he  gains  his  doors, 
Gorges  and  drinks  and  yawns  and  snores, 

And  hies  at  length  to  bed; 
What  fool  but  envies  him  the  lot 
Of  being  dubb'd  a  d-^-d  good  shot, 

The  most  that  can  be  said?* 

offensive  and  timid  like  the  hare;  but  indeed  the  avocations 
of  these  fools,  are  upon  a  par  with  the  perspicuity  of  their 
understandings,  which  are  invariably  circumscribed  to  the 
capability  of  breaking  in  a  pointer,  shooting  at  a  mark  with 
precision,  cleansing  the  lock  and  barrel  of  a  fowling-piece, 
finding  out  the  best  covers,  giving  the  view  halloo,  and  sit- 
ting the  longest  at  the  table  without  getting  dead  drunk. 
These  are  sporting  glories,  which  afford  copious  matter  for 
conversation  and  exultation,  even  when  the  idiot  has  not  an 
eye  left  to  discern  a  partridge  from  a  wofldcock,  or  a  hand 
steady  enough  to  hit  the  great  tun  at  Heidelbergh,  though 
at  the  distance  of  one  yard. 

*  Truly  a  very  pretty  and  concise  way  of  winding  up  or 
giving  the  ultimatum  of  a  gentleman's  education!  yet  it  is 


of  laborious  fools.  261 

l'envoy  of  the  poet. 
If  half  the  time  thus  spent  in  useless  toil, 

Was  giv'n  but  to  th'  instruction  of  the  mind, 
These  fools  would  not  at  common  sense  recoil, 

And  in  laborious  follies  pleasure  find. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

a  true  billy  as  sufficient  instances  are  adduceable  in  every 
county  of  the  united  kingdoms  of  this  realm,  to  warrant  the 
opinion  of  the  poet. 


[     262    3 


SECTION    LXL 

OF  FOOLS  WHO  DESPISE  MISFORTUNE; 

Quemcunque  miserum  videris,  hominem  scias. 

Contemn  not,  fool,  with  idiot  laugh, 
Those  pangs  which  others  may  endure; 

From  mis'ry's  cup  thou  soon  mays't  quaff, 
And  be,  like  them,  despis'd  and  poor. 

If  others  are  bereft  of  store,* 

And  pine  in  poverty  away; 
Why  shonldst  t.hon  add  one  pang  the  more, 

Augmenting  griefs  with  smiles  so  gay? 

*  The  purse-proud,  overbearing  ostentation  of  menial 
minds,  when  gifted  with  riches,  is  one  of  the  acutest  tor- 
ments a  liberal  and  scientific  man  can  experience,  who  is 
the  sport  of  untoward  fortune;  since  he  has  not  only  to  en- 
dure the  evil  from  a  wretch  in  every  respect  his  inferior, 
but  also  to  stifle  those  generous  emotions  which  a  just 
sense  of  contempt  inspires,  when  heightened  by  the  polish 
of  education. 

Want  is  the  scorn  of  ev'ry  wealthy  fool, 
And  wit  in  rags  is  turn'd  to  ridicule. 


OF  FOOLS  WHO  DESPISE  MISFORTUNE.  263 

Or  if  the  body  should  sustain 

Some  direful  shock;  some  dread  disguise; 
Hast  thou  the  heart  to  jeer  at  pain, 

Canst  thou  deformity  despise?* 

If  loss  of  parent  or  of  friend, 

Excites  the  pungent  thrill  of  woe; 
Need'st  thou  thy  shameful  mirth  extend, 

And  laugh  to  scorn  death's  rueful  blow?f 

Why  should  thy  folly  fear  deride, 
The  timid  ne'er  can  harm  thy  rest; 

The  downfal  too  of  pompous  pride, 

With  joy  should  never  swell  thy  breast4 

*  No  folly  can  be  more  indecorous  than  that  of  deriding" 
any  bodily  infirmity;  for  the  province  of  a  wise  man  is  to 
profit  by  the  example,  and  offer  due  thanks  to  the  great 
Father  of  all,  for  having  spared  him  from  a  similar  misfor- 
tune. 

f  This  is  a  species  of  barbarity  which,  though  less  fre- 
quent among  fools,  is,  nevertheless,  indulged  in  at  periods, 
to  the  utter  disgrace  of  its  practitioner,  therefore,  let  the 
words  of  Ovid  be  ever  kept  in  mind,  who  emphatically  saith, 

Res  est  sacra  miser. 

\  To  ridicule  the  timid,  or  deride  fallen  greatness,  is  a 
certain  index  of  a  mean  and  dastardly  spirit;  nor  can  the 


264  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Think,  fool,  altho'  thou  smil'st  this  hour. 
The  next  may  give  the  cause  to  weep; 

For  there's  yet  one  Omniscient  Pow'r, 
Whose  justice  ne'er  was  known  to  sleep. 

I/ENVOY  OF  THE  POET. 

The  bless'd  religious  precept  ne'er  disclaim, 
Which  tow'rd  philanthropy  unceasing  tends, 

Instructing  thee  to  cherish  all  the  same, 
And  even  feel  for  foes  as  well  as  friends. 

THE  POET  S  CHORUS   TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 

annotator,  however  enamoured  of  Shakspeare,  peruse,  with- 
out a  sensation  of  disgust,  those  particular  scenes  in  Henry 
VIII.  and  the  Merchant  of  Venice;  in  the  former  of  which 
drama  is  conveyed  the  mean  tauntings  of  the  noblemen  sent 
to  divest  Wolsey  of  his  state  offices,  while  the  latter  con- 
tains the  most  ungenerous  reflections  on  the  religion  and 
misfortunes  of  the  ruined  Shylock:  there  is,  however,  little 
doubt,  but  that  the  poet,  in  the  latter  instance,  was  guided 
more  by  the  popular  prejudice  of  those  times,  than  promp- 
ted to  indulge  in  mean  reflections  against  the  vindictive 
Israelite  from  anv  inherent  littleness  of  mind. 


E   ^  3 


SECTION  LXIL 

OF  THE  FOLLY  OF  ALL  THE  WORLD. 

Ce  monde  est  plein  de  fous,  et  qui  n'en  veut  pas  voir, 
Doit  se  renfermer  seul,  et  casser  son  miroir. 

All  the  world's  a  mass  of  folly, 
Youth  is  gay,  age  melancholy; 
Youth  is  spending,  age  is  thrifty, 
Mad  at  twenty,  cold  at  fifty. 
Man  is  naught  but  folly's  slave, 
From  the  cradle  to  the  grave.* 

What  creates  the  infant's  joy? 
Rattle,  bells,  and  painted  toy: 
What  the  youth's?  the  wish  to  prove, 
All  his  fervor,  all  his  love; 
And  these  pastimes,  when  grown  old, 
All  forgot;  absorb'd  in  gold.t 

*  It  is  sufficient  to  annotate  this  stanza  with  the  words 
of  Horace, 

Omnes  stultos  insanire, 

f  From  the  moment  reason  begins  to  assume  its  empori- 
um, folly  and  vice  equally  claim  a  'share  of  the  human  mind, 

Bb 


266  THE   SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

What  but  wealth  is  man  pursuing, 
What  but  gold  is  man's  undoing; 
Mundane  glory's  supposition, 
*  Worldly  pleasure's  imposition; 
Health's  precarious,  life's  uncertain, 
Soon  or  late,  death  drops  the  curtain. 

Rear'd  in  folly's  idiot  schoolerie, 
Ev'ry  age  thus  boasts  its  foolerie; 
From  the  mewling  infant  season, 
To  man's  dotage — want  of  reason:* 
Then  bravo,  fool,  thy  flag's  unfurl'd, 
And  waves  the  ensign  of  the  world. 

because  the  passions  ripen  quicker  than  the  intellect,  and 
it  was  on  this  account,  that  Bias,  one  of  the  seven  sages  of 
Greece,  hath  said,    - 

*  It  appears  very  surprising",  on  the  first  contemplation, 
that  men  should  slip  into  the  different  stages  of  existence, 
indulging  in  their  foibles,  without  being  scarcely  ever  no- 
ticed by  those  individuals  who  surround  them;  yet  this 
is  not  at  all  to  be  wondered  at,  when  we  consider  that 
Niminum  insarms  paucis  videatur,  eo  quod, 
Maxima  pars  hominum  morbo  jactatur  eodem. 


FOLLY  OF  ALL  THE  WORLD.  267 

L'ENVOY  OF  THE   POET. 

Folly  and  humankind  agree  so  well, 

Zany  shall  toll  dame  Reason's  passing  knell. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  cheer  up  fools,  these  welcome  tidings 

greet, 
For  now  the  world  is  yours,  there's  room  for 

bliss ; 
Such  countless  numbers  shall  fit  out  a  fleet, 
Instead  of  manning  only  one  Navis. 


L     268     J 


SECTION  LXIII- 

OESCRIPTION  OF  A  WISE  MAN 

Hated  by  fools,  and  fools  to  hate ; 
Be  such  my  motto  and  my  fate. 

La  piu  gloriosa  di  tutte  le  vittorie  a  vincer  se  medesimo 

Show  me  the  man,  less  read  in  Romans,  Greeks, 
Than  prone  to  think  before  his  mind  he  speaks; 
Whose  judgment  is  not  founded  on  mere  rules 
Of  college  pedants,  and  your  men  of  schools; 
But  well  digested  in  his  classic  mind, 
From  active  converse  with  all  human  kind. 

Show  me  the  man,  so  temperate  and  cool, 
As  rather  to  be  mute  than  cope  with  fool; 


DESCRIPTION  OF  A  WISE  MAN.  269 

Glad  to  instruct  where  knowledge  is  desired, 
And  at  the  call  of  reason's  voice  inspir'd: 
Most  cautious,  how  he  grounds  an  argument, 
And  in  pronouncing  judgment  diffident. 

-  me  the  man,  who  with  great  fools  ne'er  vies, 
,\ncl  in  discerning,  sees  with  his  own  eyes; 
Who  in  bright  virtue  views  the  soul's  best  balm, 
And  feels  that  science  keeps  the  passions  calm; 
Whose  trust  in  Heav'n  all  thoughts  of  hate  allays, 
Learns  him  to  pity  those  he  cannnot  praise. 

Show  me  the  being,  so  well  understood, 
Whom  none  e'er  found  to  do  what  was  not  good, 
Whose  judgment  ne'er  arraign'd  the  will  of  God, 
And  tho'  thus  pure,  obedient  kiss'd  his  rod; 
Who  neither  hugg'd  his  life,  nor  wish'd  to  die, 
His  hope  nVd  stedfast  on  eternity. 

Show  me  this  man;  or,  if  I  ask  too  much, 
Produce  that  one  who  aims  at  being  such; 
And  he,  as  rock  unmov'd,  'mid  tempests'  roar, 
Shall  smile  when  fools  and  folly  are  no  more; 

Bb  2 


270  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

And,  'mid  the  crash  of  worlds — true*  Rara  Avis, 
View  the  great  wreck  of  Stultifera  Navis.f 

*  Happy  would  the  annotator  conceive  himself,  was  he 
but  enabled  to  adduce  a  single  instance,  wherein  he  might 
display  to  his  readers,  a  Rara  Avis  like  that  described  by 
thejpoet;  but,  unfortunately,  neither  the  page  of  history,  nor 
his  own  converse  with  mankind,  has  yet  empowered  him  to 
note  down,  in  his  vocabulary,  a  single  instance  of  the  kind; 
every  individual,  either  from  tradition,  or,  after  his  actual 
association  with  him,  having  proved  in  some  measure  im- 
pregnated with  the  mania  of  folly,  not  even  to  spare  the  sa- 
ges of  antiquity;  who  either  lost  their  reason  in  the  mazes 
of  research,  or  had  some  latent  spark  of  animal  depravity 
attached  to  their  lives.  The  conduct  of  Cincinnatus,  per- 
haps, is  as  much  characterized  by  wisdom  as  that  of  any 
famous  individual  recorded  in  the  annals  of  history,  since 
he  displayed  his  love  for  content,  Huomo  contento  a  piu 
rico  del  mondo;  yet  even  the  mode  of  action  which  he  adop- 
ted, may  be  arraigned  by  sceptics  on  the  score  of  selfishness, 
since  it  was  his  duty  to  dispense  for  the  common  good,  the 
virtues  which  adorned  his  character,  instead  of  retiring 
from  the  scene  of  action,  to  bury  his  glories  in  a  turnip  field. 

f  Should  any  mortal  feel  so  enamoured  of  the  character 
above  depicted,  as  to  become  desirous  of  realizing  this 
Rara  Avis  in  himself,  I  will  lay  down  a  rule  of  action,  which;, 
if  pursued,  cannot  fail  of  producing  the  desired  end: 


DESCRIPTION  OF  A  WISE  MAN.  271 

Vivi  come  se  tu  havessi  domani  da  morire,  studia  come 
se  havessi  da  viver  sempre. 

O !  let  each  new  revolving  day  be  pass'd, 
As  if  to-morrow  was  to  be  the  last; 
But  in  thy  studies,  as  industrious  be, 
As  if  thy  life  were  an  eternity. 


[     272     ] 


SECTION  LXIV. 

OF  THE  REWARD  OF  WISDOM.* 

The  wise  shall  inherit  glory;  but* shame  shall  be  the  pro- 
motion of  fools. 

Wisdom  looks  calmly  on  the  shafts  of  fate, 
Truly  enthron'd  in  its  own  mental  state; 
Arm'd  against  vice,  its  empire  it  destroys, 
And  tastes  hereafter  everlasting  joys.f 

*  Happy  is  the  man  that  findeth  wisdom,  and  the  man 
that  getteth  understanding. 

f  The  poet  having  so  well  described  in  one  stanza,  the 
reward  of  wisdom,  here  and  hereafter,  it  would  be  needless 
to  add  any  thing  further  by  way  of  note  upon  the  subject: 
his  only  hope,  therefore  is,  that  more  individuals  may  de- 
serve the  recompense,  than  have  come  within  the  pale  of 
his  cognizance;  for  the  words  of  Solomon  have  been  too 
universally  verified,  who  saith, 

"  Wisdom  crieth  out  in  the  streets ;  but  no  one  regardeth 
her." 


OF  THE  REWARD  OF  WISDOM.  273 


THE  POETS  EXCLAMATION  TO  FOOLS. 

How  strange  that  godlike  man  will  persevere. 
And  spurn  the  good,  rejecting  wisdom  here; 
Since  'tis  as  easy  this  reward  to  win, 
As  stain  the  body  and  the  soul  with  sin! 


[     274 


,  SECTION  LXV. 

OF  BACKBITERS  AND  SUCH  AS  SHALL  DESPISE  THIS 
WORK. 

O  ye  simple,  understand  wisdom,  and  ye  fools,  be  ye  of 
an  understanding  heart. 

Wisdom  crieth  without;  she  uttereth  her  voice  in  the 
streets: 

How  long,  ye  simple  ones,  will  ye  love  simplicity  ?  and 
the  scorners  delight  in  their  scorning;  and  fools  hate  know- 
ledge? 

Many  there  are,  who  on  my  page  shall  look, 
That  doubtless  will  revile  this  little  book; 
The  reason's  plain— «for  there  are  few  indeed, 
Who  will  not  trace  their  portraits,*  as  they  read; 

*  That  this  will  prove  the  case,  there  needs  no  ghost 
from  the  grave  to  tell  us;  but  that  there  will  be  found  any 
possessed  of  sufficient  candour  to  allow  it,  is  quite  a  differ- 
ent matter;  for  the  cry  will  be  on  all  sides — "  God  bless 
me!  how  much  that  reminds  me  of  so  and  so !"  "  Well,  one 
would  really  suppose,  that  the  poet  had  had  Lord  this,  or 
the  other  in  his  eye,  when  he  committed  his  ideas  to  paper;" 


OF  DERIDING  FOOLS.  275 

And  naught  in  folly's  brain  creates  such  terror, 
As  to  proclaim  aloud  its  favourite  error. 

Yet  tho'  condemned  by  most  part  of  mankind, 
As  censor  public— .Critic  most  unkind; 
I  shall  not  shrink,  nor  from  the  truth  abstain, 
For  wounds  when  prob'd  must  give  the  patient  pain: 
Therefore   I'll  publish — naught   the    clamour  heed- 
ing,* 
Lavish'd  by  fools,t  while  they  my  theme  are  reading 

yet,  while  those  wondrous  discoveries  are  making",  the  fools 
will  carefully  withhold  from  the  mention  of  their  own  foole- 
ries, howsoever  well  their  heads  may  be  adapted  for  the  cap 
which  has  been  made  for  them. 

*  This  is  certainly  very  contemptuous  of  the  poet,  who 
might  have  used  the  words  of  our  bard,  to  convey  his  idea 
of  the  effect  produced  upon  his  labours  by  the  slander  of 
fools. 

■  For  haply  slander, 

Whose  whisper  o'er  the  world's  diameter, 

As  level  as  the  cannon  to  his  blank 

Transports  his  poison'd  shot,  may  miss  our  name, 

And  hit  the  woundless  air. 

1 1  make  no  doubt,  but  that  numerous  fools,  on  the  pe- 


276  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

Some  minds  there  are,  not  so  much  zany's*  toojs, 
As  with  deaf  ears  to  greet  my  Ship  of  Fools; 
To  such,  tho5  few,t  I  dedicate  my  lays, 
My  muse  well  recompens'd  by  their  just  praise; 

rusal  of  this  little  book,  would  be  heartily  glad  to  realize 
the  Italian  proverb,  which  saith, 

Se  la  lingua  fosse  una  lancia  farebbe  piu  male,  che  dieci 
altra. 

*  The  poet  has  ventured  a  great  deal  in  this  line;  grant 
that  his  affirmation  may  be  verified  by  experience.  I  must 
certainly  say,  that  if  there  are  any  such,  who  refuse  the 
meed  of  approbation,  I  shall  at  once  pronounce,  that  they 
were  not  possessed  of  a  single  grain  of  gratitude,  which  is 
the  worst  that  can  be  said  of  human  nature,  for, 

Ingratum  si  dixeris  omnia  dicis, 
Or,  to  use  the  words  of  Young: 

He  that's  ungrateful  has  no  crime  but  one, 
All  other  vices  may  pass  for  virtues  in  him. 

f  In  this  third  line,  the  bard  has  checked  himself  with 
the  word  Jew,  a  very  lucky  circumstance  truly,  for  to  find 
him  tripping  in  judgment,  after  censuring  all  the  world, 
(his  Jew  excepted)  would  indeed  have  subjected  him  even 
to  the  ridicule  of  folly,  which  would  have  been  warranted 
in  its  full  extent,  while  the  scoffers,  in  arraying  him  in  their 
own  bells,  cap,  and  ladle,  and  calling  him  foot,  would  have 
said  with  Horace, 


OF  DERIDING  FOOLS.  2£7 

But  as  for  countless  numbers  that  refuse  'em, 
They  are  but  fools,  and  therefore  I  excuse  'em.* 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Come,  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis. 


•  Ridentem  dicere  verum 


Quid  vetat  ? 

*  And  doubtless  will  repay  their  neglect  as  Jaques  did 
the  moralizing  of  the  fool,  who  saith, 

■      When  I  did  hear 

The  motley  fool  thus  moral  on  the  time, 
My  lungs  began  to  crow  like  chanticleer, 
That  fools  should  be  so  deep  contemplative: 
And  I  did  laugh,  sans  intermission, 
An  hour  by  his  dial.  O!  noble  fool, 
A  worthy  fool — motley's  the  only  wear! 

Cc 


[     278     ] 


SECTION  LXVI. 


THE  AUTHOR  A  FOOL. 

A  fool,  a  fool!  I  met  a  fool  i'the  forest; 

A  motley  fool — a  miserable  world — 

As  I  do  live  by  food,  I  met  a  fool. 

Good  morrow,  fool,  quoth  I. — No,  Sir;  quoth  he: 

Call  me  not  fool,  till  Heav'n  hath  sent  me  fortune. 

As  I've  judg'd  others,  by  that  very  rule, 
Must  I  alike  condemn  myself  for  fool:* 

*  Heyday!  What  have  we  here?  A  very  pretty  confession, 
indeed!  So,  after  all,  I  have  only  been  annotating  the  sec- 
tions of  a  fool :  a  glorious  recompense,  truly  for  all  my  toil. — 
Yet,  soft;  let  us  not  condemn  too  rashly:  for,  perhaps  the 
two  next  lines  may  be  tantamount  to  the  unsaying  what  hath 
been  before  said:  therefore,  by  your  leaves,  gentle  fools. 


THE  AUTHOR  A  FOOL.  279 

For  who,  that  was  not  oaf,  would  take  such  pains, 
To  store  a  world  of  empty  skulls*  with  brains? 
Then,  row  on,  fools;  my  vessel's  ably  mann'd, 
Well  freighted,  sense  and  virtue  to  withstand. 
Vain  are  opponents:  wisdom  naught  can  do, 
While  this  great  globe's  the  ship — mankind  the  crew. 

*  Ho!  Ho!  That's  your  meaning,  is  it,  Mr.  Poet?  I  now 
comprehend  the  text  perfectly:  ay,  and  must  coincide  with 
you  in  opinion,  by  calling1  you  a  most  consummate  fool. 
Why,  as  I  live,  there  will  not,  perhaps,  be  one  zany  found, 
who  will  think  fit  to  requite  the  bard,  by  even  honouring 
his  labours  with  a  perusal;  or,  if  any  such  should  appear, 
what  will  avail  all  this  exposition  of  folly,  and  the  advice  to 
fools?  Why,  it  is  but  scattering  chaff  before  the  wind,  or 
strewing  pearls  in  the  way  of  swine;  and  then,  what  are  to 
become  of  all  my  notes,  truly;  and  who  is  to  repay  me  for 
the  time  I  have  expended,  which  might  have  been  so  much 
more  profitably  employed  under  the  directions  of  a  Miner- 
va? Zounds  and  death!  Why,  I  shall  starve!  Pens,  ink,  and 
paper  too,  as  I  live,  all  gone  to  pot!  I  have  no  remedy  left 
but  to  publish,  if  I  can  get  credit,  that  is  to  say.  Therefore, 
imperial  fools,  noble  fools,  reverend  fools,  nay,  fools  all,  do 
read  me:  and  I  was  going  to  promise  you  a  second  volume 
in  Praise  of  Folly;  but  another  and  a  wiser  man  hath  given 
it  you  before  me. 


280  THE  SHIP  OF  FOOLS. 

THE  POET'S  CHORUS  TO  FOOLS. 

Then  trim  the  boat,  row  on  each  Rara  Avis, 
Crowds  flock  to  man  my  Stultifera  Navis, 


[     281      J 


INDEX. 


A. 


Age,  bad  example  given  by,  228. 
Agrippa,  Cornelius,  166. 
Alchemy,  note  on,  164. 
Ambition,  Shakspeare  on,  175. 

note  on,  1-74. 

ditto,  176. 
Anaxagoras,  his  opinions,  162. 
Anacreon,  death  of,  35. 
Anne,  Queen,  and  Lord  Lainsborough,  214. 
Annotator,  his  exclamation  to  the  Poet,  278, 

his  complaint,  279. 
Apollo,  Delphian  Oracle  of,  204. 
Arcadia,  Sir  Philip  Sidney's,  195. 
Ardesoif,  Mr.  the  Cockfighter,  134. 
Aristotle,  philosophy  of,  184. 

de  ccelo,  163. 
Aristophanes,  Comedy  of,  188. 
Arms,  the  College  of,  180. 
Astrology,  Butler  on,  160. 

note  on,  166. 

C  c  2 


282  INDEX. 

Astronomers,  learning  of,  161. 
B. 

Bacon,  Lord,  prodigality  of,  94. 

Friar,  167. 
Bajazet,  1 10. 
Bar  of  Bastardy,  181. 
Battle,  end  of,  243. 
Becanus  Goropius,  188. 
Becket,  Thomas,  6 1 . 
Beggar  on  London  Bridge,  151. 
Bias,  opinion  of,  266. 
Bills  at  Ladies'  Schools,  89. 
Billiards,  Game  of,  24. 
Biographical  History,  Granger's,  122. 
Boileau  on  bad  Poets,  192. 
Bolingbroke,  Lord,  and  Dr.  Manton,  186. 
Books,  modern  collectors  of,  120. 

Black  letter,  121. 
B-sw-11's  Tour  to  the  Hebrides,  75. 

Jemmy,  anecdote  of,  74. 
Boudoirs,  2. 

Busy  bodies,  note  on,  1 17. 
Butler  on  whipping,  90. 

on  the  Occult  Sciences,  168. 

on  abstruse  Study,  186. 


INDEX.  285 

Bunbury,  his  caricature  of  Billiard  playing,  247. 


Carausius,  coin  of,  128. 

Caxton,  William,  1. 

Charles  V.  201. 

Charles  XII.  of  Sweden,  221. 

Ch-rtr-s  Colonel,  16. 

Chancery,  Court  of,  sarcasm  on,  146. 

Chesterfield,  Lord,  and  his  Son,  63. 

Christians,  usurious,  83. 

Cibber,  Theophilus,  anecdote  of,  100.    ^ 

Cincinnatus,  270. 

Cleopatra  and  her  pearl,  92. 

Clergyman  in  Yorkshire,  anecdote  of,  57. 

Clouds,  the  Comedy  of,  by  Aristophanes,  188. 

Cockfighting,  and  Mr.  Ardersoif,  134. 

Coctier,  Jacques,  and  Louis  XI.  217. 

Coin  of  Carausius,  128. 

Collectors  of  Books,  1 20. 

a  purging  one,  129. 
Colours,  preservation  of,  242. 
Conceit,  note  on,  205. 
Conniving  Cuckold,  anecdote  of,  104. 
Conscience,  188. 


284  INDEX. 

Costello,  counsellor,  anecdote  of,  24. 
Cromwell,  Oliver,  177. 
Cuckkoldom,  lines  on,  28. 
Cup,  Hardi  Knute's,  127. 
Curiosity,  note  on,  95. 
Curls  a  la  Recamiere,  9. 


D. 


Dancing  at  Seminaries,  87. 

Dancing,  nobility  fond  of,  214. 

Dangerous  Connexions,  novel  of,  2. 

D'Aulnoi,  Countess  of,  her  Fairy  Tales,  96. 

Death,  horrors  of,  137. 

Death,  ridicule  of,  263. 

D — rh — st,  Lord,  133. 

De  Foe's,  Daniel,  Robinson  Crusoe,  140. 

Discontent,  note  on,  141. 

Disease,  note  on,  216. 

Shakspeare  on,  216. 
Divorce,  by  whom  unattainable,  29. 

note  on,  229. 

lines  on,  from  Butler,  230. 
Dodd,  the  Rev.  Dr.  137. 
Drawing  at  Seminaries,  89. 
Dutch,  the  language  of  Adam  and  Eve,  188. 


INDEX.  285 

E. 

Education,  modern,  fallacy  of,  85. 
Education  of  a  Sportsman,  260. 
Edward  III.  and  Alice  Pierce,  17. 
Election  Feast,  Hogarth's  print  of  36. 

folly  of  interfering  in,  118. 
Elizabeth,  Queen,  anecdote  of,  17. 

and  Sir  John  Perrot,  106. 
Empire,  note  on,  193. 
English  drunkenness,  Shakspeare  on,  39>. 
Envy,  note  on,  with  respect  to  Females,  23 1. 

note  on,  with  respect  to  Males,  232. 
Epicurus,  his  gluttony,  35. 
Erasmus,  his  freedom  on  religious  topics,  60. 


F. 


Fairy  Tales  of  the  Countess  D'Aulnoi,  96, 
Falsehood,  Shakspeare  on,  256. 
Fasts,  Dean  Swift  on,  186. 
Feudal  Times  and  Modern,  213. 
Fighting,  perseverance  in,  242. 
Fisher,  Kitty,  anecdote  of,  92. 
Flattery  of  Females,  76. 
Folly,  indulgence  in,  266. 


286  INDEX. 

Food,  any  acceptable  in  war,  243. 
Fortune,  instability  of,  110. 
Shakspeare  on,  254. 


G. 


Galau,  Bishop  of  Munster,  inventor  of  bombs,  62. 
Galileo,  167. 
Gambling,  52. 

instability  in,  53. 

thirst  after,  in  the  lowest  classes,  53, 

effects  of,  among  our  nobles,  212. 

Stock  Exchange,  54. 
Garrick,  anecdote  of,  80. 
Garrulity,  note  on,  169. 
Garnish,  always  necessary,  46. 
Gay's  Miser  and  Plutus,  quotation  from,  67. 
Gentlemen  Jockeys,  54. 
Gentlemen  upstarts,  224. 
Gluttony,  34. 

Grace  at  table,  a  long  one,  64. 
Granger's  Biographical  History,  122. 

portraits,  collectors  of,  123. 
Grose,  Captain,  anecdote  related  by,  239. 
Grosthead,  Robert,  167. 
Guagin,  his  Latin  History,  217. 


INDEX.  287 


H. 


Harleian  Miscellany,  anecdote  from,  58. 
Hatton,  Sir  Christopher,  214. 
Hazardous  enterprizes,  note  on,  220. 
Heloise  of  Rousseau,  2. 

and  Abe  lard,  157. 
Heliogabalus,  his  feasts,  35. 
Hoax,  a  Stockjobbing  one,  54. 
Honour,  Butler  o:\,  245. 

wonderful  effects  produced  by,  242 

modern  notions  of,  222. 

Falstaff  on,  222. 
Hogarth's  Harlot's  Progress,   16. 
Election  Feast,  36. 
on  Wigs,  24. 
Hopkins,  Matthew,  124. 
Hubert,  Saint,  the  Hunter,  131. 
Huns,  anecdote  of,  from  Marcellinus,  132. 


I. 


Jaques,  on  the  Fool's  moralizing,  277. 
Jealousy,  note  on,  99. 
Interludes,  plays,  and  tracts,  12 1, 
Infirmity,  derision  of,  263. 
Jockeys,  gentlemen,  54. 


288  INDEX. 

Johnson,  Dr.  and  B-sw-11,  anecdote  of,  74. 
Dr.  prayer  of,  209. 


K. 


Killing  no  Murder,  by  Col.  Titus,  177. 
Knute,  Hardi,  his  Cup,  127. 
KouliKhan,  110. 


Ladies'  Schools,  bills  at,  89. 
Lainsborough,  Lord,  anecdote  of,  214. 
Law  suits,  sale  of,  1 3 1 .  146. 

note  on,  147. 
L'Envoy  of  Alexander  Barclay,  4. 
Lewis  XIV.  anecdote  of,  174. 

and  General  O'Kelly,  anecdote  of,  240. 
Lewis  XI.  anecdotes  of,  237. 

and  Francis  Martotille,  219. 
Ligonier,  Lord,  anecdote  of,  239. 
Litigation,  Folly  of,  144. 
London  Bridge,  Beggar  on,  151. 
Love,  unnatural,  28 
note  on,  153. 
humiliation  of,  154. 
Lovers,  quarrels  of,  154. 
Voltaire  on,  155. 


INDEX.  289 

Love,  Butler  on,  155. 
but  desire,  156. 
Lowther  Family,  anecdote  of,  250. 
Lying,  note  on,  257. 

M. 

Maitres,  Petits,  19. 
Man,  a  wise  one,  note  on,  2 TO. 
Manton,  Dr.  and  Lord  Bolingbroke,  186. 
Marcellinus,  his  anecdote  of  the  Huns,  132. 
Mariana,  unfortunate  anecdote  of,  42. 
Marriage,  improper,  lines  on,  40. 
Martotille,  Francois,  and  Lewis  XL  219. 
Masquerades,  inebriety  at,  50. 
ill  effects  of,  49. 
Maecenas,  a  modern  Publisher,  193. 
Merchants,  note  on,  253. 
Military  Commander,  anecdote  of,  37. 
Modern  Antiques,  126. 
Modern  and  Feudal  Times,  2 1 . 
Music  at  Seminaries,  87. 

N. 

Nero,  vanity  of,  204. 

Novels,  196. 

Dd 


290  INDEX. 

Nobility,  note  on,  212. 

lines  on,  212. 

gambling  among,  212. 

fond  of  dancing,  214. 
Northumberland  Household  Book,  2 1  * 


O. 


Office,  petty  Clerks  in,  45. 
Officers,  Parish,  vanity  of,  45. 
Opinions,  fallacious  ones,  187. 
O'Kelly,  General,  anecdote  of,  240. 

P. 

Pad,  the,  9. 

Paley,  Dr.  his  Political  and  moral  Philosophy,  223. 
Parish  Officers,  venality  of,  45. 
Parliament,  Extract  from  the  Rolls  of,  respecting 
Lawyers,  145. 

In  and  out  of,  44. 
Pedigree,  Antiquity  of,  in  an  English  Noble,  178. 

an  anecdote  of,  179. 
Petits  Maitres,  19. 
Perrot,  Sir  John,  106. 
Peruques,  10. 

Philosophy,  Political  and  moral,  of  Dr.  Paley,  223. 
Pierce,  Alice,  and  Edward  III.  17. 


INDEX.  29 

Plagiarists,  note  on,  195. 
Plato  on  Astronomy,  163. 
Play,  disappointment  at,  246. 
Plays,  Interludes,  and  Tracts,  121. 
Poems,  Little,  3. 
Poetic  prescription,  28. 
Poets,  bad,  191. 

Boileau  on,  192. 
Pope,  Mr.,  false  versification  of,  5. 
Pope,  the,  and  Richard  Cour  de  Lion,  24  L 
Portraits,  Collectors  of,  123. 
Predestination.  Turks  believers  in,  237. 

Butler  on,  236. 
Prescription,  a  poetic  one,  28. 
Pride,  note  on,  259. 

quotation  on,  227. 
Priestcraft,  pride  of,  6 1 . 
Procrastination,  note  on,  207. 

note  on,  209. 
Prodigality,  note  on,  150. 
Professor,  a  German's  title,  170. 
Promises,  false,  of  Parliamentary  Men,  Sec.  77 
Prussian  soldier,  anecdote  of,  36. 
Publishers,  modern,  note  on,  193. 
Pyrrhus,  King  of  Epirus,  107, 


292 


INDEX. 


R. 


Reason,  Age  of,  Sec.  31. 
Recamiere  Curls,  9. 
Religious  Hypocrites,  77. 
Richard  I.  anecdote  of,  241. 
Richard  II.  quotation  from,  200. 
Rolls  of  parliament,  extract  from,  respecting  Law- 
yers, 145. 
Ross,  the  Player,  anecdote  of,  72. 
Rousseau,  J.  J.  2. 
Rosso,  the  Poet,  anecdote  of,  155. 


Sailors,  foolish  Extravagancies  of,  93.  i 
Sake,  Mull'd,  122. 

Saunter,  Sir,  original  anecdote  of,  2 1 . 
Scotus,  Duns,  the  Logician,  185. 

and  the  Statue  of  Virgin  Mary,  186. 
Scudery,  Madam,  196. 
Seminaries,  Dancing  at,  87. 

Music  at,  87. 

Drawing  at,  89. 

Whipping  at,  89. 
jShakspeare  on  English  Drunkenness,  39. 

opinion  of,  264. 


in&icx.  293 

Sidney,  Sir  Phillip's,  Arcadia,  195. 
Slander,  note  on,  114. 

Shakespear  on,  274. 
Sloper,  Mr.  and  Theophilus  Cibber,  100. 
Sorbonne,  the  doctors  of,  187. 
Sportsmen,  note  on,  259. 
Speculation,  English  famous  for,  254. 
Stael,  Madame  de,  3. 
Stays,  a  la  Je  ne  sais  quoi,  8. 
Standard,  fighting  for,  242. 
Steevens,  Mr.  and  Knute's  Cup,  126. 
Stock  Exchange  Gambling,  54. 
Stockings,  Silk,  coloured,  10. 
Study,  abstruse  Folly  of,  184. 
Supreme  Being,  difference  in  opinion  upon  the>  189, 
Swift,  Dean,  of  Fasts,  186. 
Sweden,  Charles  XII.  of,  221. 


Tabards,  description  of,  181. 
Tandem,  a  new  species  of  Carriage,  208, 
Tavistock,  Marquis  of,  133. 
Thomas,  Mrs.  anecdote  of,  165. 
Titus,  Col.  his  Killing  no  Murder,  177. 
Tracts,  Plays,  and  interludes,  121. 
Trial,  a  ludicrous  one,  226. 


294  INDEX. 

Trowsers  worn  by  the  Ladies,  8. 
Turf,  the,  gambling  on,  54. 
Turks,  Predestinarians   237. 
Timidity,  derision  of,  263. 

V. 

Vain  Boasting,  note  on,  171. 
Voltaire  on  Astrologers,  166. 
his  Candid,  237. 

U. 

Usury,  note  on,  8  . 

Uxelles,  Martial,  saying  of,  156, 

W. 

War,  causes  and  effects  of,  243. 

Food,  acceptable  in,  243. 

termination  of,  243. 

note  on,  244. 
Warrior,  Shakspeare's  lines  on,  244. 
Whist,  ill  play  at,  247. 
Welshmen,  their  love  of  Pedigrees,  179. 
Whipping  at  Seminaries,  89. 

Butler  on,  90. 
Wigs,  the  judges',  Sec.  23, 

Ladies',  10. 


INDEX.  295 


Wigs,  Flaxen,  of  old  Men,  12. 
William  the  Conqueror,  201. 

King,  and  Lewis  XIV.  175. 
Wise  Man,  note  on,  270. 
Wood  Cuts  in  old  Books,  121. 
Wolsey,  Cardinal,  61. 
Worlidge,  anecdote  of,  35. 
Wycherley's  Plain  Dealer,  145. 

Z. 

Zeno,  his  opinions,  138. 


THE  END. 


